Remarkably Unsuccessful

April 18, 2008

My experience in coming out to my parents was best described by one of the participants interviewed in the documentary For the Bible Tells Me So. When she was asked how it was when she came out to her mother she paused and then with a thoughtful look and a smile responded, “It was remarkably unsuccessful.”

Remarkably unsuccessful. Bingo. Coming out to my parents was remarkably unsuccessful. After all, this was ground-breaking for all three of us and it’s safe to say we weren’t at our best. In the turmoil of the moment, unnecessary things were said on both sides and if given the option I’m sure my parents would have wanted a do over as much as I did but in the end, despite the mess of it all and the awkward strain to our relationship that fell over the proceeding months, we loved each other. Bottom line, our love was never in question. I was their daughter, they were my parents. And even now, years later, though our relationship has been restored by the passing of time and God’s grace (a remarkable combination), I still look back hoping that in those first painful days they held on to the certainty of my love for them as I held tightly onto the certain truth of their love for me, regardless of all our acting out and emotional collisions.

That coming out to my parents was remarkably unsuccessful wasn’t limited to their reactions or mine, but rather, it was remarkably unsuccessful because I wasn’t prepared to come out. I didn’t get to choose when I would come out to my folks because the time was chosen for me through a series of circumstances and so I never had the chance to get ready and think and pray things through. As a result, I talked too much and I understood too little. I desperately wanted a do over.

Over the next couple entries I’m going to share a few of the things I wish someone had told me before I came out to my parents and I’m relying on those of you with your own coming out experience with parents and other significant relationships (young or adult children, ex-spouses, pastors) to add your reflections too and we’ll all be the wiser and blessed by what you’ve shared with us.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Posted in Coming Out