Serving Her Country

January 1, 2006

As an Army ROTC cadet and a sophomore in college that grew up with Southern Baptist roots, I denied to myself along with everyone else in my life that I was gay. Several years prior to me entering college, while in high school, grew a deep longing for a relationship with a woman.

Being raised Southern Baptist taught me that my feelings were an abomination to the God that I so dearly loved and sought for a relationship with. Many times mom and I would be shopping in the mall and we would pass two women that looked as though they were together. Mom would turn to me and say, “love the sinner but hate the sin.” These words grew deep roots separating me from God because I thought that I was disgusting to Him. All through high school I would date guys but as soon as they tried to hold my hand or kiss me I would run away and treat them as if I didn’t know them the following day. I was well liked in school and graduated with many academic scholarships.

With all of these great things going for me, a strong sense of unhappiness dwelled in my heart.

After a year in college I met a woman with whom I started a sexual relationship but feared emotional intimacy because this made being gay more apparent. The sexual intimacy was so natural to me and what I had longed for all of my life, yet I was unable to accept myself. I feared everyone finding out that was close to me. At the time I was in the Army ROTC program working on a commission as an officer and this kind of relationship was forbidden. I had many dreams of serving my country and leading with integrity but at the same time I felt I had no integrity because I would lie to everyone about having this wonderful boyfriend in another state. Not only did I feel guilty inside for lying but I also felt farther away from God. I later dropped out of ROTC and I began to be angry, forsaking God because I felt that I had immoral feelings.

After graduating college my dreams of serving my country were so strong and I felt that I could hide being gay. I found the nearest Navy recruiter and signed up for officer candidate school. During the vigorous training of OCS, I wanted so badly to turn to God, knowing that I couldn’t complete this training on my own when I was so mentally in shambles. Being the hardheaded person that I am, I wouldn’t turn to God, feeling that he wouldn’t hear my prayers, so I turned my back on Him and focused on earning my officer bars. All this time God was beckoning me and each time I hardened my heart so I wouldn’t hear his cry of hurt.

After completing OCS and later pilot training I went to my first active duty command. The day I checked into my command I had an indoctrine briefing. This briefing explained what type of conduct an officer is supposed to have and not have. My heart sank when I read the page about homosexual conduct in the military, an offense that requires a court martial. Part of me began to resent the military because I felt that sexual orientation didn’t have anything to do with doing my job serving my country, on the other hand, the other part of me believed I was immoral because the doctrine of the Universal Code of Military Justice was influenced with Christian roots. As time progressed at my new command, the anger for God became stronger. My philosophy was how could a loving God make me gay and yet be disgusted with me. This idiotic philosophy of mine led to many many rebellious and insignificant sexual relationships with women that was based on nothing more than having a good time that night. I began to abuse alcohol. On the outside I hid what I was feeling and I hid the alcohol abuse. I received outstanding reports from my commanding officer because I was a skillful pilot although I was breaking inside.

My rebellious philandering with women led to rumors about me at my squadron because I had ran into several of the girls of my squadron in the nearby lesbian bars around town and they had seen me with different women. All along I kept denying these rumors and each time more of my self-esteem was torn to shreds. I told myself that I had no integrity or honor. Nothing about my perceived character stood for who I really was. I feared my family finding out and being embarrassed that their only daughter may face a courts-martial. Instead of facing this problem I ran from it. I resigned my commission to an enlisted rank and was sent to a reserve unit in my hometown. At first I felt that this was a cowardly way of handling things but as time progressed, I found a good civilian job as a stockbroker and financial advisor in a more gay friendly environment.

As I tried starting my life over God still tugged at my heart. At night I would lay in bed and cry to Him until there weren’t any tears left, begging him to hear me. One evening it hit me, a peace came over me and I felt what God wanted me to feel. It wasn’t my sexual orientation that was separating me from God, it was the infidelity, the lying, the anger, the pride, the self-centeredness, the alcohol abuse, the unforgiveness that was separating me from God. I now realize what God intends for me, to guide my growth as a Christian. God was always beside me, it was me who had turned my back on Him. Now that I’ve turned back to Him, there is peace in my heart.

This personal story of faith and reconciliation comes from the archives of www.christianlesbians.com and was originally posted in 2004.

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Posted in Personal Stories