SisterFriends: The Cliff Notes Version If Cliff Notes Were Really Long
September 11, 2008
Kelley over at A Wonderful Journey wrote a post yesterday that got me get weepy in Starbucks. I hate getting teary-eyed at Starbucks. The napkins make rotten tissues. My nose gets plugged, dulling the taste of my espresso. People look at me with puzzled expressions. More so than usual. But there you have it. On a sunny but cool Thursday afternoon, having scored the one table near an electrical outlet and accompanied to the sounds of coffee grinding, espresso shushing, and steamed air hissing into pots of frothy milk, I’m blowing my runny nose into tissues one step up in softness from cardboard. Thanks Kelley. I owe you. Oh, how I owe you.
SisterFriends. For those who don’t know the history of what happened here or what it truly has come to mean to so many of us, I thought I’d provide a summary of how we came to be because it’s quite a story of amazing grace and God making something good from something sucky.
Less than a year after I came out as a lesbian, I fell in love and then within the next year proceeded to have my heart broken in true lesbian-drama fashion. After a few months of living in the land of Woe-Is-Me, I decided to do something about it by turning my attention away from my heart break to my gratitude and so I created a web page to share my story of being a Christian and a lesbian.
I often say that I began christianlesbians.com as a way of sharing my testimony and while that’s true, the underbelly of the truth is I also did it to keep my mind and spirit occupied with thoughts and feelings unrelated to my grief over a broken relationship. Some people drink to forget. Other people take up a hobby to fill their days. I went cyber.
As the months passed by, I began receiving a continual stream of emails from women around the world who were reaching out for support in their journey to reconcile their faith and sexuality. The one thing I had plenty of in those days was time and so I’d spend hours each day, from early afternoon until late evening writing back to every woman (man, parent, spouse, child) who wrote me. The stories of courage, heartbreak, integrity, and hope coursing through those emails inspired me. These strangers who were reaching out for help in emails had no idea their emails were healing me.
At some point I couldn’t keep up with the correspondence that was coming in and at the same time it became increasingly obvious that what these women needed was more than a connection with me but with a whole community of others with shared concerns, interests, and life experiences. Besides, here I was, privileged to be meeting and talking with all these incredible, delightful, and brilliant Christian (or Jewish or seeking or agnostic) women through email and I realized the time had come for me to introduce them to each other and so I started a mailing list to bring them all together. In time the number of mailing circles grew to include 16 lists with a total membership of approximately 800-1000 women. Initially these mailing lists were called “Christian Lesbians” but that created a problem for women who were closeted and sharing their computer so we eventually changed the names of our mailing lists to “SisterFriends” to provide a little more ambiguity should a family member stumble across their email.
While some of the mailing lists have dissolved over time, a handful of the original lists continue to correspond with one another up to today and over the years these women have grown into a strong community of friends. They love each other and care about each other. They’ve stood with each other through every moment of life; coming out to family and church, endings of relationships, beginnings of new ones, the birth of grandchildren, the loss of aged parents, diagnosis of cancer, celebrations of weddings and anniversaries and birthdays. They’ve welcomed new members into their circles and tearfully said goodbye to a few women who after long and courageous battles succumbed to illness. Through all these years they’ve shared words of encouragement and support, prayed for one another, hoped for one another, and teased one another mercilessly.
SisterFriends-Together is an extension of this community of gay, straight, bisexual, and transgendered women. I know the words I write are my words and the stories I tell are my stories but really, it’s always done with every woman who’s a part of SisterFriends in mind. I’m thinking of the emails I’ve received over the years, the stories I’ve been honored to hear, the heart-wrenching questions that have asked and those images and words and emotions are with me. It’s hard to explain because it’s held so close in my heart that I fear any attempt would miserably fail. I guess the thing is this, I recognize that I’m not in a position from this distance and in this medium to offer genuine ongoing pastoral care to anyone who reads what I write or to develop the kind of personal relationship with anyone that would allow me to be their pastor. I acknowledge fully my limitations in this capacity but even while I’m not a pastor to any of the women of SisterFriends, I love each of them, each of you, with a pastor’s heart. Question my authenticity and judge me about a thousand different things. Just believe this as the most real and true thing I can and ever tell you. I care very much about you and more than I want anything else, I want you to live fully in the love and grace of God. I long for you to walk fully and confidentally as the woman or man God has created you to be. I desire above all else that you would know peace, peace within yourself and in your relationship with the God who at this very second as my finger is touching the keyboard is loving you beyond your wildest imagination and is unabashedly proud to call you son or daughter. Here’s God’s perfect timing in all this. As I was typing the last couple sentences D came into the Starbucks where I’m writing to meet me for a coffee. “Your face is red. Are you okay?” she asked with a sweet little look of concern. “Oh I’m fine,” I answered. “I’m just trying to tell the women how much I care about them and what I hope for them.” She wasn’t at all surprised by my explanation because she’s heard it before.
So here we are. SisterFriends Together. No one is more surprised by me than what God has done here and is continuing to do among us. It’s the craziest thing and I love God for it, and I’m knocked-to-the-knees grateful and humbled that I get to just be a part of it.
If you find yourself longing for a community of people who will understand you, accept you, and welcome you, then I want to encourage you take a few minutes to join our Community forum. If you’re struggling with questions about your sexuality and faith, there are women there on a similar journey, some further down the road than where you find yourself today, who can talk with you and pray with you. Get involved in the commuity and in time you’ll feel like you’re among friends because you will be. If you’re bisexual and have felt in the past that lesbians have judged you in anyway, I hope you give our community a chance to welcome you and honor your life just as it is. If you’re a transwoman who feels held to the outside of other lesbian circles, please come join us and we’ll embrace you as a Sister in Christ and as the woman you’ve always known you are. We’re all learning and growing together and so we’re going to make mistakes at times. We might say things the wrong way but with the best of intentions. Be patient with us and help us do better for those who follow you.
I pray that in some way, however small it might be that SisterFriends would be a place of grace in your life. After all, we can all use a little more grace.
Posted in SisterFriends
September 11th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
You have pastored me in ways that my pastors never could. God has used you to equip me, educate me, lift me up when I was really low, love me, stand by me, speak truth and strength into me and support me. A lot of the time probably unaware that you were even affecting my life in this way. I love and appreciate you AC!
September 11th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I don’t know of any other Christian lesbians except for the ones I know on here. I am forever grateful to you and everyone else on SisterFriends for helping become the person I am today. You have inspired me to help other young women to come out and be comfortable with their sexuality. This website is an answer to prayer! I prayed for a long time, about 4 years ago, when I was coming out, that there would be other Christian Lesbians out in the world so that I don’t feel alone or feel like a freak. A week after I prayed that prayer on my hands and knees crying to God to change me if this is not who He wants me to be, I stumbled upon your website. Been coming here ever since!
September 11th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I just had to comment on this as a member of the first list you started. I do feel a very special love and bond with my list sisters and to you too Anita for working the miracle that brought us together. May God’s blessing be 1000 fold on you and your life.
Thank you
Poops
September 11th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I’ve been very blessed in the years that I’ve been a part of the former group and now sister-friends. In the time that I was first coming to reconcile my faith with my sexuality and trying to fit all the pieces of a broken life back together your web site really was my place of fellowship.
Thank you for all that you do and for all the costs you carry. You really do have a Pastor’s heart and that comes through your writing and heartfelt sharing.
Ever think of writing a book? You’re a gifted writer, give it some thought!
September 12th, 2008 at 2:10 am
I love the forums and I am one of the top spammers there but not all of my posts are spam. I hope that some of you who read this post of Anita’s will register and come get to know us. We love to pray for each other and make each other laugh. Some serious issues are discussed and prayed over by some very precious sisters. Currently our most active prayer chains are for some with medical and/or relationship issues and the hurricanes that threaten the gulf coast. Two minutes later though we are back to silliness and laughter.
Come and let us love you with the Father’s love. We are there to help.
Thank you Anita for posting about the forums. I love that place.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Joni–> The affection and appreciation goes both ways, of that you can be sure.
Aly–> Isn’t it incredible how many of us thought we were the only one only to discover we were simply one of many? I love hearing that you’re helping others in their own journey of coming out Aly. That’s so much of what it’s all about and it thrills me to no end that so many of the women are doing the very thing that you are. The more of us who are there to reach out, the fewer women will live with that feeling of thinking they’re the only one.
Poops–> Oh, you just rock. Blessings back at you, 1000 times plus one!
Jones –> I know the transition to this newer format was difficult for some of the women and I’m so grateful for people’s willingness to make the transition into a new thing especially those like you who’ve been a part of the community for some time. Smooch!
DragonLady–>Spammers are annoying and offer nothing toward building community. You are not a spammer. Like you said, the love, prayer, support and silliness, all add to the sense of community and connection that breaks people’s isolation. And guess what? Since this post went up yesterday, there have been six new registered members to the Community Forum
September 12th, 2008 at 9:52 am
I remember it well, it was 2001… I was struggling, barely “keeping my head above water”… and I searched online: “Christian Lesbian”–and found your original site. SOOO grateful Anita! My words may not be as eloquent as the beautiful one’s I have read today… but you are one the people I will always be grateful for!
September 12th, 2008 at 10:53 am
*pouts* I wanna be a spammer!
Seriously though, I miss the old CL and would love to see SisterFriends become something like CL used to be. I post all that crazy stuff to get people talking and it works! We sometimes need icebreakers and so I figure that God sent me to do just that.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I am newer to this oasis we call sisterfriends-together. Last fall I’d signed up waiting for the day this site would open. All the old lists were filled. So it was with great anticipation I gladly logged in here where Anita got it up. Thank you Anita.
The love, encouragement and sense of Christian community here is a blessing to me. United by God’s love for us and our love for God we are learning what it means to be one in the spirit. Denominations, geography, age, and nationality are becoming part of that mosaic of unity. Our diversity embraced, encouraged and shared so we can learn from each other.
Rom. 12:4-6 Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.
So if you are wondering if you should try out this little community, please do. We will welcome, and care about you because you are our sister too. You have gifts to bring and we need each other.
A special thank you to Anita for all you do to provide this space and keep us engaged with your posts. And I wish to thank all the ladies who take the time to read, pray, and encourage each other here. May God Bless You All.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
DragonLady–> Well okay, pouting and whining always works with me so you’re a spammer. We all have our dreams and I’d hate to deprive you of yours.
Eliz–>Oh, I’m so glad you waited and kept coming back around! What beautiful words you wrote about the richness of the SisterFriends community. I couldn’t agree more. Thanks go to every single member who contributes her life and faith here, and of course, to God who is knitting us all together. What a tapestry!
September 12th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Oh yay! I get to be a spammer but unfortunately I already posted about how you broke my heart. LOL
*makes note to self “Anita will give in if I pout!”
Anita, Eliz and Steph and Lor and Kelly and I want to do a Bible study together. Will come do it for/with us? Don’t make me pout!
September 12th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Anita, you know what difference sisterfriends has made in my life, but for those of you who don’t….. Let me tell you. I have found God, Love, and acceptance from this place. It is an oasis for me. A chance for me to be myself and still be accepted. If you haven’t signed up yet, please do so. We are a group of weird,wonderful people who love in the way Jesus taught.
And to Anita and D you both have reached far beyond the little town you live in. To D, what you have done has allowed us to be. To Anita, you are what we have have become. My thanks to both of you.
September 12th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Just wanted to say that this straight gal has received much encouragement and support from you and from other sisterfriends members – hugs to you all, folks! (Including those I’ve never “spoken” with.) You’re a wonderful bunch, and I so appreciate the grace and Christ-like love I’ve seen here and on a number of members’ blogs.
September 12th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
I too have been blessed by the posts and the blogs. I am very thankful that I found this website one day a few years back… I look forward to stopping by all the time and reading all the new posts.
Two of my closest friends that I now have are because of Sistergroup. One of the ladies, I have never seen her in person, but we talk everyday. The other works across the street from me! We email all the time.
It is nice to have a place to feel comfortable and to be open to what God has for each of us, no matter our differences or backgrounds.
I have been blessed by the prayers and the tender hearts of those who write. I love the humor. I love the creativity.
Thank you so much for opening up this forum to all of us. I do read some of the blogs. I don’t have alot of time and so I look forward to the forum. Blessings to you and D.
September 13th, 2008 at 1:02 am
e2tc
I for one would have no problem with you joining the forum. (And if you love sweet tea, Judy would welcome you.) When it comes to the bottom line, we are all just women in search of a closer walk with Jesus. The friendships we find and the laughter and tears we share are just added bonuses. As Christian lesbians, our biggest problems are often caused by straight people who make us doubt ourselves, our Father, and our hearts.
For years I believed that God hated me because I am lesbian. I came home from church one Sunday completely distraught after hearing yet another sermon about how all gays are going to hell. I could not accept that I was created to be lesbian and that I because I was lesbian, I was automatically destined to burn in hell. I decided that suicide was my only option. I hated myself just that much. I sat at my table bawling my head off and thinking about method would be best. My friend had brought a computer to me a few days before and had told me that I could find out anything I wanted to know on the internet so I turned it on for the first time and was going to look for info on a poison I had heard about through a murder mystery. But when google came up, I typed in “Is there such a thing as Christian lesbians?” Anita’s old site came up at the top of the list.
Through that forum, I came to accept myself for who I am and understand that God didn’t hate me at all. It was just other “Christians” who had the problem and convinced me that I was condemned. I was invited to not come back to several churches and they did their best to make me feel excluded from God’s love and grace. That is why I wouldn’t say no if you wanted to become a member of the forum. Our Father is a God of inclusion and never exclusion. I think that most of my SisterFriends would agree with me.
September 13th, 2008 at 9:22 am
DragonLady… wow. I’m at a loss for words, because your generosity and kindness (given all that you’ve been through) is a huge gift of trust. Thank you *so* much.
I don’t want to crash the forum; it’s restricted for (I think) very good reasons. But your thoughts – and your invite – are, well, like I said, words are failing me right now.
Again, thank you!!!!
September 13th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
thank you SO MUCH for being obedient to God and for allowing Him to use you in such a mighty way. God has used you and this website/blog to encourage my faith, clarify my sexuality, and affirm my identity and calling. words could never encompass my gratitude. i can’t wait to meet you in heaven (or before, Lord willing) and personally thank you.
keep writing. there are so many of us out there who need to hear what you’re saying, and so many of us who are crying out for edification and affirmation in the midst of a combative and unfriendly world. anytime i have a hard day with church folk or christians or the culture, i return to God’s Word, His Spirit, and then sometimes He leads me to your blog. it’s so divine i can hardy wrap my mind around it. so… all in all THANK YOU!!!
September 13th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
e2tc
If you want to be a part of us, ask Anita. Just tell her that I said that I will pout if she says no.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
You will pout?! OK, I’ll ask. [heeheeheee!!!]
September 14th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Anita, thank you for all this. It’s truly been a blessing.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Kelly–> Thank you so much for what you said that I shared as directed with D. I mean this as sincerely as anyone can say them, that your words both humbled and made me grateful.
e2tc–> I would hope this place would be seen to be as welcoming to straight sisters as to anyone else, and yes, while the Community Forum is primarily for sexual minority women, it was designed that way as a place of certain safety so the women could have one place where no one would question, argue, or doubt who they are in Christ. I would however, be more than willing to open the forum to any straight sister who has a history on this blog that’s one of respect, compassion, and honoring of people’s faith experiences, lives, and relationships. Clearly that’s been reflected in your exchanges here and so know the invitation is extended to you if ever you wish to join us in the forum. Just be prepared for an unparalleled amount of silliness.
DragonLady–> From mushball to mushball you got me with that one in every line.
Linda Lee–> Thank you for posting! I don’t know if you’ve had this experience but I think often in our lives we’re obedient when we don’t even know that’s what we’re doing. We’re just going through our lives, doing the best that we know to live our lives faithfully before God never knowing God’s even asking us to do anything or directing our path for that matter. It’s only when we look back that we can see how God was leading and urging and calling us along. You know what I mean? Anyway, because I didn’t know I was even being obedient then it would seem all thanks go to God. Thanks to God for coming up with this idea, and thanks to God for leading an unsuspecting me to be part of what God had in store for all of us. And thanks to God for leading you and all the others here into our community of amazingly phenomenal women/men of God.
e2tc–> It’s true. DragonLady pouts powerfully.
September 14th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
What did I do now?
Anita I may have messed up by sending out that group pm to all the new users but did you see how many people posted today that it was their first post? Of course you did because you had to approve the posts. God can make something wonderful out mistakes done in love even if misguided. That’s one of the things I love the most about my Father. He can take my messups and use them to reach people. What an awesome Father God I am privileged to serve. Oh oh oh . . . (You might want to cover your ears cuz I am fixin’ to sing. . . )
What a mighty God we serve,
What a mighty God we serve,
Angels bow before Him,
Heaven and earth adore Him,
What a mighty God we serve.
OK singing is over and you can uncover your ears now.
Over in the forum a newbie posted about someone taking the Bible too literally and as I read that, I suddenly realized that it is not that they are taking it too literally but that they aren’t taking it literally enough. They ignore the parts about judge not lest you be judged (Matthew 7:1, Luke 6:37) , the parts about God’s love for us ( John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.) and they totally ignore grace. I don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I believe and talk about but when people are so close minded that even God’s Holy Word’s don’t register with them, it is time for me to walk down a different path than the one they are on. When sorting time comes, I want to be put on the left side with the lambs.
Anais Nin said “When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.” I believe that. I think that it is why it is written in Philippians 2:12-13 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
September 14th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
anita -> ..while the Community Forum is primarily for sexual minority women, it was designed that way as a place of certain safety so the women could have one place where no one would question, argue, or doubt who they are in Christ.
Well see, this is something I want to respect, and although I’ve not been on this particular road myself, I can appreciate that it can be very difficult and that, in so many ways, you face a uphill battle.
That said, I absolutely *love* silliness and feel that I have to take you up on your invite for that reason alone. Thank you so much!!!
DragonLady – > no pouting this time!
September 14th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Amen Dragonlady.
Anita it is really exciting to see the new ladies starting see they are welcomed and posting. And Turtle is our winner! She had the fastest green to purple turn over. Who says Turtles are slow.
So any of you ladies that are just passing through come on over and sign up for the forum and receive some great fellowship and fun. OK Anita I’m done using your blog as ad space for the group forum. I love ya gal and I hope you and D had a wonderful walk in you matching shirts. Tee Hee.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
e2c
You already have a welcome thread! We need you there simply because of all the rejections that so many of us have experienced. You are going to be a vessel of healing for many of
myour sisters. How do I know? God told me so. Littl’ Sprite told me earlier today that I always get my way. It’s easy to get your way when it is also God’s way.*huge grins*
September 15th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Hey there DragonLady – thanks again! My registration’s in, just waiting for anita’s OK.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
E–> You already have it girl! If you haven’t received an automated email already then check your spam folder because it might have gone there. You’re set and ready to go. The welcome mat’s out so enter on in.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
anita -> Thanks! I think my server was acting up when you sent the confirmation, but – as you already know – I did get it and have been kickin’ around a bit in the forum.