Superbowl Sunday Recap Sans Football
February 3, 2009
I’m about to make a confession I know will appall some among you but I’m compelled to risk your scorn for the sake of truth. I hate football. There. I said it. What a dumb game. It’s not that I don’t get why men stuffed to the gills on potato skins wearing beer-can hats are nuts about the game since watching football gives them permission to cheer on ginormously formed human tanks who crash violently into each other one minute and then do handsprings before patting each others butts in a rather straight homo-erotic exchange of “Atta Boys!” but really, lesbians, what is your excuse?! What could you possibly be thinking while you sit there on the couch beside your sweetie nibbling fat-free pretzels with tofu dip dressed in matching over-sized tee-shirts in your preferred team colors of choice? What’s up with that?
So apparently there was a big whoopty do football game this last Sunday. I know this because I did the preaching gig on Sunday and suffice it to say, attendance was a wee bit on the light side. This is something else I don’t get since the game didn’t start until later in the afternoon and church is over by noon. Do people really need three hours to prepare themselves emotionally for the start of the game? Is there some kind of required football foreplay I don’t know about? Secret handshakes to learn? A quota of cold pizza and buffalo wings to ingest before kick-off? Superbowl Sunday is just another reason why I’m grateful to my bone that we have a hundred cable channels to choose from and that God in His divine grace and mercy choose to bring a woman into my life whose apathy for football is equal to that of my own.
Sigh. This post is really going to wreck havoc with my normally devoted dyke readership base, isn’t it? Before you judge me too harshly I want you to know I’ve tried to get it. In high school I was on the pep squad. I sat in the bleachers at the 50 yard line in the cold and rain dressed in a white blouse and a green and white plaid pleaded skirt (for green and white we’ll fight fight fight and all that) among 125 similarly clad pimply girls with the smell of wet wool permeating the air screaming and applauding everytime the cheerleaders signaled our cue. It took me the first half of the season just to figure out we weren’t actually cheering for the cheerleaders remarkable hand springs and splits but for the boys who ran back and forth across the field before falling into piles on top of one another. It took me the second half of the season to figure out that the team with the most points won. How they earned those points was unclear. The team with the dirtiest uniforms by the end of the game perhaps? Was the score determined by a mathematical equation involving the collective total of their team numbers? I don’t know for sure though I suspect the Goliath-sized croquet wickets at either end of the field had something to do with it since one color-coordinated team of boys, followed by their cheerleaders, and in turn we, the sheep-smelling herd of shivering freshmen girls, went batpoo every time one of our players carried the oddly-formed ball through the wicket. That was the last time I watched any football games from start to finish. Not because I was so much interested in the game as I was trapped there having ridden to the game in the yellow school bus assigned to the Pep Squad. Even now, some thirty-eight years later my nostrils can recall in a some what traumatic repressed memory sort of way, the smell of our soaked wool skirts on the bus ride back to the school parking lot.
When I initially started writing this post I was going to share a little from the sermon I preached on Sunday. Given the direction this post took it seems I might actually have unresolved issues around all the football fanaticism. Or could it be that this is nothing more than a desperate sub-conscious cry for help in understanding the lunacy of lesbians who love football and the women who love them.
Whatever it is, I’ll save the sermon summary for another post. It would just seem so wrong to mix a message from the life of Jesus with the abhorent practice of group groping of an unclean animal skin. It’s a sin you know. Leviticus 11:7-8.
If you’re a sports-dyke please help me understand the lifestyle you’ve chosen for yourself and if you’re a non-sports dyke then with closed fist up in the air I say to you “In solidarity we stand my sisters!”
Posted in Too Silly for Any Category
Sweet Hope Cookies
February 3rd, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Well now that you’ve put it that way…. “Don’t cast your pearls before swine” comes to mind! But that would lead you to another pig skin slight. So I leave you with a more evolved explanation of our love, our reverance for the game. “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”.
February 3rd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Anita – I love watching pro football (on TV, not out in the elements) Pro Football is awesome and even though you hate football – you’ll be glad to know – I still love you and your blogs!!
I can’t wait for the next pro football season to start – Go Browns!!
I know that God is greater that football, but football is a gift that He gave us – so enjoy it and celebrate it.
February 3rd, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Oh boy. You crack me up.
February 3rd, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I’m sure there is some sort of program out there that can help non football loving lesbians change their football preferences.
Until you find that program, my dear friend, I’ll be praying for you to be convicted of your evil ways. lol
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Oh Anita…Anita, Where did I go wrong with you? What could I have ever done to warp you in this way? OK sorry all teasing aside, but gasp, not all lesbians like football. I myself am a recent convert to the game.
I too hated football and would run and hide ever Sunday and the last few years I have to admit that I watched the Super Bowl for the commercials. (was anyone else as disappointed with them as I?) But I have come to an appreciation of the game. Thanks mostly to my son’s flag football coach.
I finally figured out what they were trying to do and why and it made the games more interesting. Not to mention snuggling on the couch watching a game with my sweetie who is a football fanatic. (that is a great motivator for enjoying the game)
So while I am sure you will be called in front of the board for the Loyal Order of Lesbians for this post….. I’ll speak on your behalf because I can understand what you are saying. But don’t tell anyone I said that.
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Anita, your post reminds me of a cartoon I saw years ago of a woman watching a football game with her husband. Reading a magazine and looking up periodically, she asked what the goal of the game was. When he responded that it was to reach the other team’s end zone, she replied, “Wouldn’t it be easier if they’d just get out of each other’s way?”
Even though I was a jock in school and still sort of pretend to be, this cartoon pretty much sums up football for me, not to say I haven’t indulged in my college alma mater’s national championship mishaps from time to time, simply for sentimental reasons.
But, in regard to the Super Bowl, it was all about Springsteen and the commercials, baby!
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Um, Anita. The Dyke Patrol will be stopping by your house to check your credentials
They travel in an unmarked lavendar Ford sedan.
Football IS the National Religion of the South. I had no choice but to convert when I agreed to live here.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Denise–>So it’s true. There is a secret handshake between you lovers of the flying pigskin. I had a feeling you were a member.
JRC–> Thank you that our diversity on football doesn’t stand between your love for me and my blog. I feel a warm sense of tolerance washing over me
God gave us football? Hmmm…and here I thought Moses brought down the tablets of the law from the Mount. Apparently I have some more Bible study to do.
Stephanie–>But do you feel my pain?
Cristi—> What you’re saying is there’s a group of ex-anti-football dykes out there somewhere? I fear such a thought.
Kelli, Kelli–>Thank you for your understanding and compassion. Now, if I had a child who played football, they would still be my child and I would continue to love them. I’m just not sure I could support their sport choice. As to snuggling on the couch, try cuddling to oh…I don’t know….The L Word sometime perhaps. Sweating, smashing men releasing vats full of testosterone is not a mood setter for me. Which really…makes me wonder about you!
Lisa–> Oh how much do I love the punchline of that cartoon? That is exactly my point! Now as to people watching the game for the commercials…I don’t know but in my little corner of the world I thought commercials were the thing to be avoided when watching TV. I think this alone says something about the mindset of football fans. “Oh boy, oh boy, look! There’s another commercial!”
Susan–> Ah….the beauty of the West Coast. You have the best BBQ and grits but at least here we don’t have football forced upon us. And isn’t “unmarked” and “a lavender Ford” somewhat contradictory?
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:52 pm
You are too much. I love football. Absolutely love it. And I am not a dumb dyke. Oh no. I love the strategy of the game. (There really is one.) I confess sometimes the testosterone overload gets to me. I would honestly be content if they played flag football and didn’t wear helmets. It would still have the strategy (because there is one) and athleticism, without the violence. I would have loved to play football in highschool. It really is fun Anita. It is a sport that has so many different aspects to it. You need big people, little people, fast people, strong people, someone who can run, someone who can catch, someone who can throw, etc. Metaphor for the Body??? Every player on the team is essential to carry out the mission of finding a way through the opposition to the other side. You gotta love it!
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 pm
I wear girlie sox and don’t even pretend to care about football. I do like pig skins though. . . you know the ones they sell next to the Fritos.
February 4th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Hey! Me too. I don’t like sports. Don’t watch football, baseball, basketball or hockey (though golf is a great somnorific). I cringe at being forced to watch the Olympics. I’d rather read a book. Or go hiking. Or work in the garden. Or cook.
It’s so refreshing to have said that, to finally come out of the closet with this. And I’m not even gay. (Is that a stereotype?)
Thanks for the inspiration.
February 4th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Oh Anita, once again you’ve summed up my deepest feelings on a sensitive subject around our house. Chris loves football and has seasons tickets to the Seahawks, (buncha losers) and has a lot of ‘stuff’ representing her team, including a poncho she bought in Mexico (oh for pete’s sake, just buy it already)!
I, on the other hand tried to attend a game once. On a date. With a boy. I know, wrong on so many levels but years ago this fine young strapping lad asked me to a game and me, being naive and trying to be many things I was not, accepted. In the middle of the game I got up and said, “this is boring” and caught a bus and went home. End of watching football for me.
Now I endure months of the TV being on all day Sunday and Monday nights and it seemed it was even on like Thursdays this past seasons for some unknown reason but I do it for the one I love. Must be love.
Thanks Anita! Great post. As always. But looking forward to the sermon as well.
February 4th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Yes Anita yes, I do feel your pain and I’m with you on the whole theory of snuggling with your beloved and watching football. Kelli, this seems odd to me as well. Do you watch WWF and snuggle with your beloved too? I’m concerned.
As much as I don’t get it either, I say to each their own. Whatever yanks your crank or tugs your tow line. ???
Oh, one more thing…. Susan, a lavender Ford? LOL. If we stick to the “norm” stereotype, shouldn’t it be something like a burly, little truck with the standard rainbow sticker or the “girls rock” bumper sticker?
February 4th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Anita,
Yes there are groups of ex-anti-football dykes out there just waiting to help you erase all of those messages you heard growing up telling you football was wrong. The truth will set you free!
February 4th, 2009 at 9:37 am
LOLZ!!! there’s a *very* similar divide between (gasp!
) straight women who adore American-style football and straight women (like me) who could care less. I think you ladies are simply part of the overall demographic, really I do. 
(I can occasionally handle watching parts of college games, but I am *so* unlike my mother and grandmother, who were/are very dedicated football fans.)
February 4th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
DL–> Oh yeh, now there are some good pigskins!
Christian–> I’m glad you felt safe to come out of the closet here among us as a straight man who doesn’t like sports. It’s freeing, it’s it?
Jones–> I knew others were feeling my pain Jones and if sharing my feelings helped you to not feel alone in this, then my work here is done! And yes….wrong on SO many levels!
February 4th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Stephanie –> Another lesbian with a sports-free soul connection. I’m feeling the love
Cristi–> And yet another! Power to the Sisters!
e2tc–> Ahhh…just part of the overall demographic among women…from your mouth to God’s ears.
February 4th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Ahhh…just part of the overall demographic among women…from your mouth to God’s ears.
I dunno about the prayer part, but the rest sure is true!
My undergrad school is 2 hours north of Pittsburgh and swarming with students from there. The Steelers were a very powerful, dominant team at the time and there were tons of rabid fans, lots of them straight women. I learned to keep quiet about my non-affinity for football early on. (Especially after I found out how incensed some women fans got re. cheering on another team simply because I didn’t like the Steelers!)
Have also lived right outside of D.C., and can truthfully say that the mania for the Redskins affects all people, regardless of age, gender, etc. etc. etc. That’s equally true of the local Latin American population per soccer – am blanking on the name of the D.C. pro team, though.
February 4th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
What I don’t get is why Americans and Australians (with Aussie Rules Football) and Irish (Gaelic football) insist on calling this sport “Football” I have watched a game, and the ball rarely comes into contact with the foot.
The American version of ‘football’ is a watered down version of Rugby.
Sorry just had to get that one out!!
February 4th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Kim–> I really like how you think and I thank you for yet another piece of evidence that FOOTball is an illogical sport. By the way, the event the DC team did at St. Alban’s looked spectacular! Everyone check it out at Kim’s blog.
February 4th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
e2tc–> I lived in Eugene for a few years and while I loved being in a college town, the saturation of yellow and green and Duck logos everywhere was enough to make me want to take up duck hunting. Anywhere within the furthest boundaries of Steeler or Redskin land would no doubt be insane.
February 4th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Anywhere within the furthest boundaries of Steeler or Redskin land would no doubt be insane.
It is, it is. Ditto for colleges with high-profile teams. I live near one now, and am a bit weary of planning my fall Saturdays around the home-away game schedule. (Away game weekends are my preference, believe me)
My undergrad school had a terrible football team, and my grad school didn’t have anything but indoor sports, so I was somehow able to avoid the college-level hoopla. Though I have to admit that i’d probably watch some games *if* the sport wasn’t quite so full-contact. I really like the idea of pro flag football.
February 4th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Oh.. and by the way Anita – you missed a great Super Bowl! Some Super Bowls are very bland and one-sided, but this one was great.
February 4th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
:::::: rolling my eyes back toward my skull’s backside:::::: Oh I’m sure I did JRC. No doubt.
February 4th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
aaahhhh .. bunch of lessos and their straight friends talking about football around the water cooler. Glad I checked in tonight for a lift!
As a married het, I was the one baking jalapeno poppers, refreshing the ice bowl, and playing scrabble with the women in the family room .. but a good replay with some guy smashing his face into the dirt always seemed to bring a smile to my face. A bit passive aggressive???
As a newly out dyke .. I watched the commercials and the Boss on TIVO Monday night. Had spent “SuperBowl Sunday” at Disney’s California Adventure with my son’s marching band, desperately looking for lesbians in the park .. do lesbians go to Disneyland?
And, Anita is right .. if you STAY for the commercials and LEAVE for the play reviews, doesn’t that say something about one’s ambivalence toward the game? Just a thought ..
February 4th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Oh Anita and Steph, I am sorry if I left the impression that I enjoyed watching the testosterone dripping on the field. But alas, I am in love with a football dyke, so if the game has to be on anyway….might as well enjoy a good snuggle while it is on. It isn’t what is on the tv that counts…..it is the uninterrupted snuggle time.
I never claimed to love the game, but now that I understand what the goal is and the strategy behind what they do…I can watch it now. Trust me I would much rather watch the L word or any good movie. But make the best of the circumstances eh? Such as every time her team gets a first down…I get a kiss. There are advantages LOL
February 5th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Kelli-Ooooooooooo………………….alright then.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Hey, I don’t like football either. Don’t feel so bad. The only time that it was even remotely entertaining was back in high school when we played Powder Puff Football and when my best friend (a female and a girl who I had quite the crush on) played for the JV team. I often suspect that she was a football-lovin’ lesbian. She had the nicest legs on the whole team. Now that was a good show. But a bunch of icky males runnin’ around. Ewww! If it was an all women’s team, then I’d be watching.
February 6th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
So, I was in the marching band. I attended every game. I even understood it, back in the day. But Friday night football in high school was about being a total goofy head and playing the fight song for every touchdown and field goal. It was about making fun of the cheerleaders in their skimpy outfits, shivering in the sleet. It was about sharing that Dr. Who scarf with Michelle, drinking Market Spice tea or Cocoa from a thermos.
But the game? Hmmm. I recall it was far more about the halftime show. You know, the part we, the band, performed.
I have to admit, I understand about a quarter of how football goes. It seems like broken-boned, bloody spurts of violence occasionally interrupting time outs to me.
Fast forward. I moved east. Now, I still don’t care much about football, but Superbowl is still about hanging with friends, drinking hot beverages, and all that. Only, these crazy people do the Bowl in the evening. What the….? Superbowl parties at NIGHT??? Who does a Superbowl barbeque at 7 pm? WhatEVER.
Football has always been about hanging with friends. Not about watching the game, or whatever it is they call that slow-motion squabbling in the snow and mud. It’s about soft pretzles with melted cheese product that hardens your arteries. It’s about friends and bad food. Don’t try to tell me otherwise. If you’re looking for me, I’m over here, in the Dr. Who scarf, scarfing down an overpriced Polish sausage with kraut and onions at the concession stand.
February 7th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I’m over here, in the Dr. Who scarf…
As in Tom Baker-era Dr. Who?!
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:33 am
Anita,
I found a picture of us sitting right next to each other in Pep Rally. I don’t know how or if I’m allowed to add it to your blog, here so I’ll go post it on my FB and tag you.
We were gorgeous with our long tresses. Go look!