The Call To Be A Shepherd

January 1, 2006

I can still remember feeling attracted to grown women at a very young age. For those of you that have seen the animated filmA Bug’s Life, I felt as though I was the mosquito being drawn in by the light. Ouch!

I was born and raised in San Francisco. It is also where I was found by God. When I was sixteen, I decided to rebel against the world. I did all that a rebellious girl would do at that age, except have intercourse. Oh, I messed around but I never went all the way.

My mother cried out to God for me every night. One night He responded to her through a dream. He told her to send me to her country (El Salvador) for a while. In the dream she told God that I would never go, so God told her to lie to me about the reason for going.

I ended up living in El Salvador for two years. While I was there, I fell in love with Lorena. Our love lasted a year, until one day we were discovered and were torn away from each other. We were not allowed to talk to each other so even though we lived next door to each other, we could only communicate through our eyes. You can see so much in a persons eyes!

During my stay, I also lived through the 8.1 earthquake of 1987. It was then that I began to question what God wanted with me. I felt called. I was so confused about my sexuality that I went to the Cathedral in San Salvador on numerous occasions. I wanted to confess my feelings to someone that represented Christ to me. I never did find a priest to talk to. I was always told he was having a siesta (nap).

The earthquake convinced my mom to send back for me. I left El Salvador aching for truth. I couldn’t even say goodbye to my Lorena; my eyes had to express all I felt for her.

I was back home. Boy, my heart almost leaped out of my chest when I saw the San Francisco lights from my airplane window.

A month after my arrival, at a small Spanish church on the corner of 21st and Valencia, I let Jesus into my soul. Right from the beginning, I had a passion and zeal for God. I would walk up to complete strangers and invite them to give their lives to Jesus. Eventually, my zeal made some in my church uncomfortable. My idea of doing something in the youth group was to visit the AIDS ward at San Francisco General Hospital. Theirs was to go roller skating.

Well, I was eighteen and on fire for whatever God put in my path. One Sunday morning we had someone from Operation Rescue invite us to a pro-life rally. Yea, you guessed it. I took them up on their invitation and the rest is history. Some of you might remember that at that time the abortion issue was really hot. Operation Rescue was a movement full of people with conviction and zeal for what they thought was right. I began to participate in local protests and soon thereafter got arrested for civil disobedience in New York, Washington D.C., Florida, Pennsylvania, Houston, Los Angeles, and my own Bay Area.

I even had a duo ministry. I would end up doing time on these charges and start my favorite ministry in jails. I would preach freedom in Christ to the women in jail. I would give Bible studies in their language. I know what their language is because I grew up in the projects. I was a minority, I knew what it meant to be poor, and I had walked in their shoes during my rebellious years so they understood me when I told them that Paul was homeboys with Jesus.

I witnessed the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives. It just blows you away when you’re praying for a woman in jail and she pours her soul out to God and begins to speak in tongues right in front of you. You’re trying to calm the other women down because they also see God at work. Then you see the guards coming. It was amazing! On many occasions they would get to our area and just walk right back to where they came from.

I eventually became a missionary for the pro-life movement and took on a leadership role in Operation Rescue. God moved me to an incredible church in San Jose, CA that eventually became my home church.

That is what my life looked like from the time I was 21 until I was 26. I had become a lay pastor at my congregation and had been asked to lead numerous groups when my second conversion happened.

One of the women I had led to the Lord and discipled for three years was finally getting out of prison. It was clear that she had truly changed her life so I committed to being there for her when she got out.

I helped Suzie and her three kids get an apartment and we found her a job. Suzie and I became best friends and as you might suspect, during that time we eventually fell in love.

We were both torn in two when we realized how we felt. I felt as though I was betraying God and her. I took a sabbatical from all of my responsibilities and I went away for a month. During that month I cried out to God like I had never done so before. I cried, “You said that you would not give me a temptation that I cannot stand”. If you exist, then take her away from me or tell me what to do.” The God I knew intimately filled my soul with peace and in a silent voice whispered “Follow your heart Kim; there is nothing wrong with you my sweet daughter, so go and be free in your spirit, mind, and soul.” I left my congregation and went on a journey to find myself.

Suzie, the kids and I have been together for three and a half years. Through the years I have struggled with a lot of guilt so it is just now that I have dusted off my dreams and taken another look at the calling that God put in my heart. The call to be a shepherd.

This personal story of faith and reconciliation comes from the archives of www.christianlesbians.com and was originally posted in 2004.

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Posted in Personal Stories