The Power of the ” “
August 20, 2008
In my childhood home there was a strictly-enforced no swearing policy. Swearing and name-calling were so off-limits I was afraid of them; afraid that if one of those dreaded nuggets of blasphemy passed over my lips, it might void my ticket on the glory train. I’m not even talking the big swear words known, loved, and excessively used even at this moment by the trio of teenage testosterone at the table next to me at Starbucks. No, the prohibition against swear words and name-calling under my parent’s roof extended to any words that sounded even remotely like the first-string players. Crap, shoot, dang, doggone it, sheesh, shucks, jeeze, jerk, jeepers, creep, and butt all could find me going to my room for a little time to reflect and repent.
For the record, never once did I heard my parents violate their own code. The worse thing I ever heard my father call anyone was a flake and only because he was seething mad and momentarily lost control of himself and flake fell out of his mouth. Even as I write this I can’t help but wonder if somewhere in heaven my dad isn’t reading this post (wouldn’t you think they have awesome wireless up there?) and muttering “Young lady, enough with the potty mouth!” If my dad could even bring himself to say potty mouth, which I doubt he ever could. And yes, he really was that pure and irreproachable and I adored him for it and everything else that made him the most decent man I’ve ever known.
But the thing is, as a young girl, there were times when I really wanted to say a swear word, not because I was driven by moral outrage to use one. I simply wanted to see what it would feel like on my tongue and how it would sound in my ears with my voice. I didn’t want to say the big one, that über-profanity at the top of the list, but one of the minor ones, one of those weak bottom-feeders in the pool of profanity. And then one day I learned how. To say a swear word free of consequences, all I had to do was repeat what someone else said and right before the swear word say “quote-unquote.” It would look something like this:
The adolescent Anita would enter the house through the kitchen door where her mom would be enjoying her last minutes of peaceful calm in the day before she’d begin, “Mom! Mom! Okay, okay, listen to this! Today on the playground we were playing kickball during recess. I’m good at kickball Mom. I’m like the best girl at kickball really I am. I once kicked it over the roof by the third grade classes and no body could believe it and it was so neat, but anyway, so we were playing kickball and Fargo, you know Fargo Mom. He’s the boy who had a girl-boy birthday party last year where there was dancing and everything and so anyway, Fargo was up for his turn to kick but when he went to kick the ball he completely missed it and Mom, Mom, you’re not going to believe it but he said quote-unquote damn it really loud, right there in front of the teacher and everyone.” And then with an appalled yet guileless expression continue,“I’m just saying what Fargo said Mom, I didn’t say it.” I don’t know where I learned this trick, though I imagine my Sunday School peer group would be a likely suspect but regardless of its origin it worked worked every time and by it’s utilization I was able to take a couple second-string swear words out for a test run, absolved of all responsibility for their utterance. I did this quote-unquote thing so frequently for a few years there that had air quotes been in vogue in the early seventies I would have had carpal tunnel by sixth grade.
So what does this recollection have to do with anything? Not much other than I was reminded of it the other day while reading a post that included the following excerpt from Peter LaBarbera from American’s for Truth.
Let’s pretend that homosexual “families” are like other families. Let’s pretend that having a “dad” and another “dad” – and one is more effeminate, one’s more like the mom – is something like a mother and a father.
Did you know there’s actually a new name for quotations used in this way? Hey, I read it on Wikipedia so it must be “true.” They go by the names scare, irony, and distance quotes, quotation marks that enclose a word or phrase that’s meant to provoke a negative reaction, to cast suspicion on the appropriateness or truth of what’s being quoted, and there’s no question it causes a negative reaction, especially for those whose identity, values, or life experience are held within the quotation marks. To those people the quotation marks feel like a dismissive wave of the hand, a tongue in the cheek, and a roll of the eyes. Such is the power of the “ “.
We all use them. They do. We do. And I suppose on some issues we have to if we want to speak directly and honestly. For example it would be difficult for me to address the topic of “ex-gay” without quotation marks since I don’t believe that being “ex-gay” is possible or even a necessity. At the same time I realize that those who claim to be ex-gay do so with the sincere conviction of their beliefs and life experience behind it just as I speak unapologetically of being a gay Christian. It’s dicey. How do we talk our way around challenging and oppositional topics without relying on words or punctuation that undermine another person’s reality or truth? How do we speak with integrity to our truth without tromping over the values and beliefs of someone else? How do we avoid the appearance of being judgmental and disparaging?
The answer? I don’t know. I only know that in a world, church, and blogosphere where a flood of coded quotation marks and sarastic barbs litter the landscape I want to be among those who seek reconcilation and healing as much as justice and equality. There’s got to be a way to do that, don’t you think?
And it was Fargo who said the bad word and not me. Honest!
Posted in Ex-Gay, Storytelling
Sweet Hope Cookies
August 20th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
“……I want to be among those who seek reconcilation and healing as much as justice and equality. ”
Me too and yes, there’s got to be a way.
Hey, did I miss something? What happen to the “Jesus’ Ethic of Love Part 1″ post?
August 21st, 2008 at 3:35 pm
“Scare, irony, and distance quotes.” I love it. I’m an English minor and a grammar aficionado, and I had noticed that people have started using quotation marks this way – glad to know there’s a word for it.
And yes, we use them too, on things like “ex-gay.” At the same time, I was so hurt several years ago when someone on a Christian discussion forum told me I couldn’t possibly be a “Christian lesbian,” that there was no such thing. I don’t know the answer to this one. More listening to others and less dogma about our own views, I guess.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Anita, I had to laugh at that bright faced girl running home to pratice swear words. I can relate.
I never realized the power of the “quotes” but I use them all of the time. Sometimes I am just being funny or ironic, but I also realized I use them in a negative way too. Thanks for this post.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:44 am
Always good stuff to be found over here. Thanks, Anita.
Your post sparked off a couple of things for me;
My parents never cussed either. But I remember the day, when I was around 17, and while overhauling an engine together, the bolt my father was working on slipped and he ripped open four of his knuckles. “Fuddrucker!” he shouted (or something real close to that). I was shocked and then secretly pleased, He had been ripping apart his hands and banging on his thumbs ever since I could remember (how he practiced surgery is beyond me) and he never had said anything remotely like that. This time he must have felt he was in the presence of a “man” (see the quotes?) who could take it. Ever since then he has sounded like Darrin McGavin in the “Christmas Story” (more quotes!)
I used to fling the F-Word around like carbon dioxide (hey, I was a cook!). When I became “born-again” (yikes! more quotes) I stopped cussing overnight. Since then I have drifted away from fundamentalism (OK,maybe not drifted. I ran.) and have re-discovered the joy of the swear word. I don’t think God will smite me or send me to hell for it. But the downside to this is that now, when I have the occasional opportunity to smack my thumb with a hammer, the F-Word is somehow…impotent.
And please don’t toss my beloved ” and ” to the garbage bin just yet. I couldn’t express myself without them.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:55 am
Stephanie–>You and Kellie both busted me on pulling the post on ethics. The only reason I did it is because I want to rework my direction, so I address Christian ethics in general on the principles of Jesus first before moving into the specifics of sexual ethics. I’ll get there
Esther –> The “Christian” gay thing is a hard one, as is all the current conversation around same-sex “marriage.” I think keeping aware of how those little “”‘s affect me keeps me aware of the times I use them and how I use them. What impact are my “”‘s having on others? I think that’s the thing for me; not that I’ll discontinue using them altogether but I need to use them with awareness and caution.
Hill–>I must do air quotes at least once a day though I admit I seldom put them around swear words like I did when I was a kid. Now I have to take full ownership for those little gems that slip over my lips.
Christian–>Loved the story of your dad! After watching a few seasons of Anthony Bourdain it would seem that cooking is impossible without the grand daddy of the swear words. I wonder if my risotto would turn out a little creamier if I added a few. Stir – swear – stir- swear… And I’m with you. I use “”‘s the beauties all the time but I guess the main thing I feel compelled to look at is what’s my attitude behind them each time I hit that key twice. How much sarcasm or judgment is hiding behind them toward those who have some identity or value in the word or phrase? I don’t know. I just feel like I need to keep checking in with it all.
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Dear Anita: It’s about the Saddleback Church. We would like to know your views.
WHo do we vote for now? Soulforce has been trying so hard for inclusiveness, and it seems the U.S. right wing will always come up with this negative attack. What can we do once and for all to stop them —- in their tracks. If this is not hate crimes against humanity, I don’t know what is.
By putting the presidential hopefulls in this prediciment in front of the T.V. audiences, does this not discust you?
We have fought long and hard here in Canada for equal marriage, and for the right to be married in our churches of choice, and yet this right wing still exists here.
The Knights of Columbus had the gaul to send monies here to try and stop the legal process from going forward. When will this stop? The call themselves Christians.
I have grown very cynical lately, about these so called Christians. I thank God every day for our many blessings, and for the honor to be living in Canada.
Sincerely, Winnie
August 24th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Winnie–> I don’t think I have the answer you might be looking for from me because I’ve made the intentional decision to not share my political views in terms of political parties or candidates in this forum. I have them, trust me. I just don’t feel that airing them here is my place or what I’m called to do. I guess I feel protective of the focus of the purpose of this site but that doesn’t mean I don’t encourage people to be politically aware and involved. By all means! Please do!
As to “the right wing”, just like we’re always going to be here standing strong in what we believe, so will they. The beauty of a democracy is we each have the freedom to make our voice heard and invest ourselves and our resources behind our convictions. I hope you can find a way to take the cynicism that you’re understandably feeling and let it be a fire to energize you to continue to work, give, and speak on behalf of justice and truth. There are many battles between here and full equality for all people, but that day will come. Hold on Girlfriend!
August 30th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
“f-ing” (freaking) hilarious story, sobering application. so true. so good for our hearts.