The Straight Pill
March 13, 2009
If there was a pill that could make me straight
…..Straight in body
…..Straight in mind
…..Straight in heart
……....I would not take it.
If taking such a pill would restore all my lost friendships
…..And regain my parents pride
…..And give back my families respect
…..…..I would not take it.
If taking such a pill would return me to my former ministry
…..And the admiration of the congregation
…..And the loving welcome of the church
…..…..I would not take it.
If taking such a pill would replace the love I have for my wife with an equal love for a man
…..And we could legally marry
…..And we would be granted full rights under the law without fighting for them
…..…..I would not take it.
If taking such a pill would mean no one would reject me for being who I am
…..And for saying what I believe
…..And for standing boldly as one who follows Christ
…..…..I would not take it.
If taking such a pill could take the world back in time,
…..Before I came out of the closet,
…..Before I said I was gay
…..Before I knew I was gay
…..Before inequality touched me
…..Before hate revealed its ugliness to me
…..Before anyone rejected me
…..Before anything was lost to me
…..Before I ever questioned God’s love for me
…..…..I would not take it.
If taking that pill would make me straight
…..And famous
…..And wealthy
…..And talented
…..And adored
…..And beautiful
…..And thin
……....I would not take it.
……....I would not take it.
……....I. Would. Not. Take. It.
I would never take a pill that would make me straight because
……....I love being who I am
……....I love being whole and free
……….I love seeing the world from where I stand
……....I love knowing God from this place
……....I love feeling passion burning in me for equality
……....I love being part of a people who are courageous and relentless
……....I love being one in Spirit with every queer youth
…………..With every gay man and woman
……………With every bisexual man and woman
…………..With every transman and transwoman
……………With every ally and friend
……………With everyone who questions, doubts and searches
……….And I love being one in Spirit with you
……………Bound in hope, and faith, and love
……………Bound in God
If there was a pill I could take that would make you straight
………..And taking that pill would end all your confusion and anxiety
……….And remove your fear that God has rejected you
……………I would not take that pill even for you.
You are gay.
…..You are not wrong.
…..…..You are not sinful.
…..…..…..You are not evil or perverted.
…..…....…..…You are not unworthy.
…..…..…..…..…..You are not a mistake.
…..…..…..…..…..…..You are not to be ashamed.
You are gay.
…..God loves you.
…..…..God holds you.
…..…..…..God stands with you.
…..…..…..…..God delights in you.
…..…..…..…..…..God calls you “My own.”
If there was a pill that could make me straight
…..And make you straight
…..And you
…..And you
…..And you
……....I would not take it.
……....I would not take it.
……....I. Would. Not. Take. It.
…..…..…..…..…..
Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Human Sexuality, So Gay
March 13th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
WOW. WOW. WOW.
Absolutely wonderful and powerful!
I. WOULD. NOT. TAKE. IT. EITHER.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I would not take it either never ever ever for any reason ….
I to love the way that I think the way that I feel & exactly who I am !
I would not want to change who I am any more than I would want to change any
of God’s creations …the heavens the stars flowers trees or even one grain of sand’
Thanks Anita I loved this ….
March 13th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Stephanie and Dot–> Love that you chimed in on this! And who else would not take it either? Please say so as a voice of hope and encouragement for those who are still struggling!
March 13th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Me neither! I would not take The Straight Pill.
Now, I just need to stop taking my In the Closet Pill.
Peace.
March 13th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
jrc–>You’ll take it when you’re ready. And just so you know, it’s not a bitter pill to swallow and when you do you’ll find you get almost instant relief.
March 13th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Amen to that sister!
March 13th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Thank you, Anita. I loved this one.
I once thought I WOULD take such a pill. I remember praying “if it be possible, take away this cup from me” about my sexual orientation when I was first coming out to myself. But I would not take that pill now, for my personal struggle to accept myself has helped shape me into a more caring and compassionate person with a perspective on the world I could not otherwise have. It has brought me ministry opportunities I could not have known about or been prepared for. And all that happened even before I met the woman I am to marry — and it is only greater with the two of us functioning together as a team
No, I would not take it.
March 13th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Esther –> What you wrote is beautiful and certainly reflects how it has been for me as well. Really beautiful….thank you.
March 13th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Anita,
You connected!!!!!!!
March 13th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Shawn–> And that’s a good thing, right?
March 13th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Amen. Amen. Amen. I would not take it either !!!!! In fact, I’d probably throw it on the ground and stomp on it. It’s great to just be me.
March 13th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Me, neither! And anyone who suggests that any would should take such a pill should be met with a “Get behind me, Satan!”
March 13th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Sometimes God leads me to a post that I really need to read. This is one. I’m glad I found your blog, particularly now, when I’m feeling alienated from a church I love.
I still wouldn’t take the straight pill.
Peace – D
March 13th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Even I, who attend a Christian college and am being “encouraged” very strongly to go to an “ex-gay” support group, wouldn’t take it. Anita, thank you so much for the things you post here. They mean so much to me right now. I only hope some of the people I know from school would even consider feeling this way.
March 13th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
wow. thank you for posting such a beautiful poem. after spending so long looking for that pill, today, i wouldn’t take it either.
i just finished watching “milk” and after reading this i’m on cloud gay. it’s the colorful one hovering over cloud 9.
March 14th, 2009 at 7:33 am
I’m a comic book geek, did you see the third installment of X-Men? Is wasn’t quite accurate to the comic books but it’s this allegorical synopsis of a cure to homosexuality.
Wonderful comparison that was lost by many people who weren’t fans of the original comic books.
March 14th, 2009 at 7:37 am
There were years that I prayed the prayer that Esther above prayed. Such years of angst. And now, reading this post, as I read further down my smile grew bigger! Simply beautiful. I wouldn’t take it now either Anita! I am soooo grateful to “know” you and be a sisterfriend!
March 14th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Jen–> I haven’t seen it yet but now you have my curiosity peaked!
Wendy–> Another pill spitter-outer! And I’m grateful to know we’re family in Christ too Friend.
March 14th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
wonderful, thank you
March 14th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I would not take it either!!! God has brought me out and there’s no turning around and going back… no way!! This journey has been hard, but I wouldn’t change it. I would not take it either!!!
March 14th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Hey can I borrow this for my blog if I credit and link you? Thanks!
March 14th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
B–> Of course you can
March 15th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
I don’t suppose I would need to but I wouldn’t take it either! Thank God that you guys wouldn’t either. Did you write it yourself? Its pretty powerful stuff. dennis
March 16th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Wow! How powerful this is!
Blessedly, I’ve always wanted to be who I am, and have known my orientation is homosexual for quite a long time. However, in the last few years I have struggled with not trusting myself, thinking about what, perhaps, I “should” be, what if I’m wrong, what if I something was wrong with me, what if … what if… and I’ve come to realize that, simply, there was just some deep, deep stuff I hadn’t dealt with, even after being out for over 15 years. Family-of-origin & early societal conditioning is so very hard to work through, step over, overcome. I have spent the last three years cleaning out the deep recesses where I thought nothing was left, and oh my! it has been hard! But it has been so very worth it. I feel so much stronger and even more at peace; I can easily touch my Truth and know it is indeed that, and it’s the Truth I’ve always known. God’s been right here with me all the time, and while I’ve known myself all along, I now am really truly secure in who God made me, and I thank God for making me gay! I don’t ever want to be anything else! No pills for me, and hopefully in the near future, no pills for anyone. Ever.
Thank you so much, Anita, for this wonderful space you’ve created and for being who you are for all of us. You are truly appreciated!
March 16th, 2009 at 8:26 am
I wouldn’t take it either.
This poem was such an encouragement. It made me feel strong and free and loved and beautiful inside.
Thank you.
That little comment about coming out being not a bitter pill to swallow and getting almost instant relief also speaks to me. I ache to come out to my family. One day…
March 16th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Dennis–> Glad to hear you’d avoid taking straight drugs as well, and thank you, yes I wrote it. In fact, I’ll probably be posting on what moved me to write it in the next day or two. It was somewhat of an epiphany moment for me.
Laura–> This is me, applauding you, for staying in there and going through all the hard stuff to come to a place of peace and deeper strength in your faith and in who you are before God. That one paragraph you wrote spoke powerfully and said so much in so few words. As to the “thank you,” you’re welcome. I know how hard this can all be for people and if there’s anything I can do or say, or that we can do or say together that can ease the road for someone else, then what other choice is there?
Turtle–> Ah, but you are strong and free and loved and beautiful and I hope and pray along with you that on the day you come out to your family, they will see in you what God has seen all along and that you’re coming to believe for yourself.
March 16th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Anita, this made me cry. Almost from the start. I love you and I’m proud of you. Thank you for being my friend.
March 16th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Kristi –> Okay, that was sweet and thank you right back at you!
March 17th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Wow! This is so powerful! Thank you for posting!
March 17th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Joyce–> I’m so glad you liked it!
March 17th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Anita, I just realized last week that I have been hiding for over 25 years. Some things came to a head, and I had to tell someone and told a couple of friends. So, I have started my journey. By the grace of God, within a few days I found your website and have already felt so relieved. Don’t know why I thought I was hiding it from God too. Thanks for everything you post!
March 17th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
TDK–> Oh, I’m so glad you found us here. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before but when I realized I was gay I was alone in my house and while something in me wanted to say the words “I’m gay” out loud, I was afraid to because I didn’t want God to hear me say the words. Like you, I think I thought if I didn’t say it, God wouldn’t know it. Funny how we forget in times like that that there is nothing hidden from God. God has known you from before your first breath and will love and be with you until your last and then beyond that. I admire your courage in coming out to a few friends and for stepping forward here. Please stay around here with us and consider joining us over at the SisterFriends Forum. Many blessings as you begin this new journey!
March 19th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
[...] The Straight Pill [...]
March 21st, 2009 at 5:36 am
What beautiful words – and thoughts – and feelings. You are a treasure and I am so glad to connect. My therapist once said to me, “You never grow without sacrifice and struggle, and then you are stronger.” That’s a paraphrase, and she always said stuff like that better, but it’s true. I’ve grown and somehow am strangely glad that I can see things like I do now.
March 24th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Conversely if you were straight would you take a “Gay Pill”?
March 24th, 2009 at 10:39 am
J–> That is such a good question and not a simple one. Had you asked me that question when I thought I was straight I would have screamed “NO!” since I had all the traditional and theological misunderstandings about homosexuality. I would have taken a bullet before the ‘gay pill.’ Now, were I straight and knew how life-changing and spiritually renewing being gay could be then perhaps. But you know what they say…”from the outside it’s impossible to understand, from the inside it’s impossible to explain.” Great question though for thought….I wonder what others would do? How about you?
March 24th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Carol—> What an honor to have you stop by and kudos to what your therapist said. How true how true, though how hard it is to hold onto that truth while walking through the struggle. That’s why we must continue to say it over and over again, with words and in the telling of our stories.
March 24th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I echo Anita’s comment “were I straight and knew how life-changing and spiritually renewing being gay could be then perhaps.” However, I am also thinking along the lines of “why should anyone take any pill?” We should all be able to live and love just as we are… just as God made us.
March 27th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I told my best friend that I like her in ‘that’ way and found out she feels the same way. As it stands I can’t be with her because she thinks I’d rather be with a guy and it messes with her head.
I’m bi and have always thought my life would be easier if I was straight or gay.
If you gave me a gay pill right now I’d take it but I’d think twice about the straight one.
March 27th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Anon–> It seems like being bi has a whole other set of issues you have to deal with, most of them dealing with people’s misunderstanding about what bisexuality really is all about and this whole idea that if you’re with a man you might want to be with a woman or if you’re with a woman you might want to be with a man. It must be frustrating to be in a situation where you care about someone as you do your friend and have her not able to be secure with the idea of a relationship with you. I think bisexuality is a really beautiful thing Anon because while some people struggle with anyone who isn’t either/or, bi’s are in a place where love really gets to be just about love of the person rather than to be determined by the person’s gender.
April 4th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Hi Anita:
A friend sent me your link…amazing poem…great site and posts…you now have another regular visitor.
thanks and keep sharing.
Diane
April 8th, 2009 at 10:54 am
that definitely made my eyes watery.
April 10th, 2009 at 10:16 am
beautiful poem…if only I could be so strong….Thank you for this amazing site…
April 11th, 2009 at 3:11 am
Tracy–> You can be that strong. As you keep your heart set on God it will come. And you’re very welcome
April 18th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I couldn’t take this pill. If I did, it would completely erase everything that defines who I am. Even though my church would shun me and my parents would disown me if they knew (I’m in the military, so I can’t come out yet, because I love my job), I could never take this pill. I am who I am, so who am I to argue?
April 19th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
WOW! Thank you! I needed to read something beautiful today! I havent visited in quite awhile….I have really been missing out on alot! Thank you for still being here for everyone……for giving the encouragement and love that we all need more of from time to time…..God Bless!
May 18th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Beautiful post! Another reminder of why I’m fighting for my friends and family to be treated with respect in society AND the church. Your (and their) courage in the face of oppression and cruelty is inspiring. THANK YOU for doing what you do!
(Blogging for Truth week is next week! Spread the word everybody! http://bloggingfortruthmay2009.blogspot.com/ )
May 19th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Welovetea–>It really doesn’t take any courage for me to declare the grace of God especially given the supportive community around me, however for others who are isolated and living in areas of the country and world where daring to speak of faith and sexual orientation in the same breath can produce hateful attacks, verbal and physical, well…those are the people to admire and no one inspires me as much as do they! Off to check out your blog and upcoming project for next week….
June 16th, 2009 at 2:12 am
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
I’m a very new Christian…well…I don’t know if I should even be calling myself a Christian, I’m still learning, I’m trying so hard to quiet my doubts but I tried to find fellowship on a Christian forum and was really depressed to see the awful things they were saying about homosexuality. I was so close to just freaking out and rejecting God like I always did.But this time for some reason I just couldn’t, I couldn’t let PEOPLE make me turn away from God so I went searching and found this website and then THIS. Thank you so so so much.I feel a million times better.It hurts when people try to tell me that God doesn’t love me, I’m glad to have found support from others who are like me
June 27th, 2009 at 9:22 am
*claps* Beautiful! This website is such a blessing to all of us, truely.
June 27th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Anjulie, don’t give up! Don’t let misguided Christians fighting for what they think is God’s laws discourage you! You have a long way to go to completely understand the Scripture concerning being gay, but you ALREADY know the important thing….God loves you as if you were His only child. You ARE a Christian when you trust His love for you in providing Jesus to pay the penalty of your sin….and we’ve all committed sin….not just those of us who are gay. (being gay is not one of those sins, by the way!) You don’t have to “learn” anymore to call yourself a Christian. Now, join me in praying for our sincere, but mistaken brothers and sisters, and stand firm in who God has made you to be! You’re special and uniquely made and He loves you just like you are!
July 7th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
i am just coming out of that closet , but i would not take that pill either those words were awsome!!!!!
September 17th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
come on!! i would!! nice poem though,
September 17th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Jerry–> I appreciate your honesty and there was a day when I would have agreed with you for my own life and gobbled up any pill that offered to return my life to how it had been before I came out but at this point in my life I don’t even hesitate in saying, “Thanks but no thanks.”
October 7th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Just stumbled upon this and love it!!!!
And I wouldn’t take such a pill either!
Am happy with who I am and am happy with God’s love and acceptance!
As long as I feel my relationship with God is good “What can mortal man do to me?”
Love,
Sam
October 8th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Anita,
I would not take the pill either!! Ten years ago, I was living the “straight” life and I have 2 beautiful children. My oldest, my son, has 2 beautiful little girls, ages 8 and 17 months. My youngest, my daughter, has one beautiful little girl, age 2 months and God willing there will be other children blessed to these unions. I have God and my straight marriage to thank for those two children and my grandchildren, present and future. But the 25 year marriage was not successful, not because I was not straight, but because he broke the vows. If that marriage had not ended though, I may never have known my beautiful, brilliant friend as my beautiful, brilliant partner/wife. Knowing and trusting God with my whole being, I would not take the pill.
Thank you for another of your masterpieces that I hadn’t read. Thank you for helping me to thank God for my life now. Even though I have lost !@#$% pounds and have %$#@! more to go. I thank God that I lost the first pounds, that gives me hope for the others. And I thank God for bringing me to this very place in my life where I am now.
Bless you my Sister,
Bev
November 8th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
hi anita, my friend shared with me this link.. currently she’s happy sharing special time with a new found relationship.. one that strengthened because of thier honesty..am just so happy she was able to let her partner know.. i wish them all the happiness ahead..i, too am happy.. for nearly 4 years in a relationship that saw so many hardships, some challenges that brought me tears, tears that my were patiently and dearly held by my love..as my parents are both gone, i sometimes wished we could have had time to talk about ME.. the ME that i know they are not really ready to welcome..especially my dad.. it was never talked about in our household.. but am still thankful because i still get the same respect from my brothers, my sisters-in-law, the rest of the family..
i wont take such pill.. nothing can even guarantee me that id get a better life if id do..
anyway, anita thank you for this post.. it means a lot..
November 16th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I left a comment here as ‘anon’ in march. My world is different now and i thought I’d come back and have a wee read.
I’ve been in a relationship with my beautiful/smart/funny/talented girlfriend for 7 months. I came out in sept/oct. I’m part of an affirming church, help to run an affirming student christian organisation, love her, love God. Life is pretty great.
I’m aware that at 21/22 I came out at a much younger age than a lot of people have been able to. I’m so blessed that I’ve had it pretty easy but in my head I had a terrible few months and years.
I wouldn’t take it in a million years.
November 21st, 2009 at 10:13 am
Cloudy–> Wow, what a big change for you to go from being “anon” to being out! I too am glad that you’re one of those who has come out relatively early in your life so that not do you have more years ahead of you to live fully into yourself but that your life can be an example to other young adults of the life that’s possible outside the closet!