What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before the Big Reveal, Part 1
April 19, 2008
Before I jump into some general thought around the whole wild and wacky coming out process, I want to be really clear that I’m not suggesting you come out . . .
- If you live anywhere in the world where coming out would jeopardize your physical safety or freedom.
- If you’re a queer youth or young adult and there’s any chance your parents would kick you out of the house or cut off all financial support for living and/or your education.
- If you’re seeking custody of your children and there’s any chance based on the inclination of your local courts or your ex that you risk losing your children.
- If you aren’t ready to come out for any reason.
Okay? Okay.
Now, here are the four things I would have liked to have had someone tell me before I came out:
There’s no perfect way to come out. There’s not even a right way to come out. There’s just your way and you can’t be expected or expect it of yourself to do more than that. No one knows you like you do and no one better understands the history and all the little glitches and wonders that exist between you and your significant relationships. This is one of those times when all you can do is your best in the moment and then let that be enough.
Gather as much support as you can before coming out in your family or other significant relationships. Not only can they help you think through how you’re going to come out but they can be an encouragement and comfort during the time you’re coming out. Talk with a therapist. Arrange to meet with a local gay-affirming pastor. Look for a GLBTQ support group in your area or in another town. Call or email PFLAG and see if it would be possible to talk with one of their members who might be near your parents age or share their same religious beliefs. Ask if they could arrange for you to talk with a few GLBTQ people who’ve already experienced coming out to learn what was helpful to them. Join the SisterFriends Community Forum and let everyone there know you’re considering coming out and get their feedback, support, and prayers. All of this is to say, don’t do it alone. Before you break out of the closet to significant people in your life, slip out the small escape hatch and find a few safe people who can walk with you through this experience.
Choose the time and place to come out carefully. Avoid coming out at the holidays or on special occasions. Holidays and big family gatherings are traditionally stressful enough for most people and so emotions and the reactions they generate tend to flare a little too easy. Find a time when life is running as smoothly as it gets for you and your loved ones and then casually arrange to get together with them to talk. Avoid coming out in public places such as restaurants, instead choosing places that are familiar to you and those you’re coming out to such as their home. It’s much easier to bring things to a conclusion if you have the ability to leave rather than to get people to leave your home.
Less is more. Plan what you want to say and how you want to say it and avoid getting pulled into a long, drawn out debate or argument. The thing to try to keep in mind is that there’s every reason to believe most people we come out to hear nothing that follows the words “I’m a lesbian.” The rest of what’s said is a brain blur and can lead to more confusion than understanding and you’re not about to be to change anyone’s view on the Bible and Homosexuality while their ears are still ringing with “I’m a lesbian I’m a lesbian I’m a lesbian.” If they pressure you for more, offer the assurance that you take the biblical passages very seriously and at another time will be willing to talk more about the Scriptures but for now simply assure them of your continuing love for God and for them
I’ll be adding a few more thoughts on coming out but for now, I’d like to open the topic up to the collective wisdom of others of you. Let me also add that for the next couple days I won’t have much of a chance to read your comments as D and I have a long list of plans for the weekend, however I’ll be checking regularly to get them posted for everyone else.
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Posted in Coming Out
April 19th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Advice?
I can give a list of bad choices.
1. No blurty. If you feel the desperate urge to divulge in a “oh, what the heck! I just need to say something!” Don’t. Do. It.
2. No hinty. If you wish to test the waters by dropping a couple subtle hints, you should take that as a message to yourself that whomever you wish to hint to is not somebody you’re ready to tell. Not even to hint.
3. It’s not a band-aid. So don’t rip it off like gangbusters thinking getting it all over will make it hurt less. If you aren’t ready and they aren’t ready, letting everything tear is going to, well, tear everything up. Not less hurt—more hurt. Much more.
4. Crop dusting is for crops, not conversations. Don’t say anything until you’ve listened to learn whether you have a receptive audience and (to quote Jack Sparrow) an opportune moment. Don’t just kill everything in sight with your singleminded intention to “get this said”. It can wait.
Whence cometh such crappy options? I’m so glad you asked. I’ve done them all. Prayer and discretion. Learn, I ask you, from the errors of the erstwhile blurtiness of crop-dusting Bon Bon. You’ll save yourself years of pain.
Oh, and Anita? Thanks for the encouragement again. This one affirms the path I’ve chosen this time around the mountain.
April 19th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Bon–> Oh, what a FANTASTIC list!
April 20th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
excellent… just the things I need to hear.. I know at some point I do need to tell my grandson. I think I would be the best person to help him get over his hate for gays. but I know I will need a lot of wisdom, so I’m in no hurry.
thanks for sharing all of this.
deb
April 20th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Be comfortable with WHO you are BEFORE coming out to others. My early disclosures while I was confused were apologetic and fearful and that gave people ammunition to try to impose their religion/ideals on me. This caused me a lot of extra pain. Once I was able to share who I am with the attitude of FYIO and expect acceptance I have found this dissarms even those with negative views. And of course pray and have supportive people also praying for you.
I have learned to assess:
1). WHY am I wanting to disclose my orientation to a certain person. Does telling them actually serve any purpose?
2). WHAT is happening IN their world right now? It may be a good time for me but what about them?
3). HOW will I feel and deal with a negative reaction? I need a plan.
4). WHERE and WHEN I plan a disclosure are important. Can I leave if I feel I need to?
5). Coming out to kids (especially younger children) may be the one time where natural hints may actually be useful. If they have met and like your girlfriend and see a loving relationship they may find diclosure as a non issue. If your children are aware that you have gay friends and see them as ‘normal’ people, societies stereo-types may not have as strong of a bearing on how they now think about you. If possible go to a church where ALL people are valued.
I spent months slowly conditioning my kids that:
A). Their are gay people IN their world.
B). We watched shows that dispicted people who are prejudiced by society and discussed them. The Oprah show on transgendered persons was great.
C). That when they learn that someone is gay that person has not changed. The ONLY thing that has changed is that they now know something about another person that they hadn’t before. And that if they (my kids) viewed the person differently than before it was my kids who had changed not the gay person, since that person always was gay.
When I came out to my kids (girl 10 & boy 14) I did it when we had alone time and at home. Answered honestly their questions with out getting into details. I reassured them that I am still the same mom they have always had and always will love them. Then I gave them space to process and keep the lines of communication open. It has actually brought my son and I closer.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Eliz–> Wow. What both you and Bon shared here as comments are worthy of their own blog entries because there’s so much wisdom in both, especially since both of you were speaking from the experience you’ve learned along the way. I agree with you of how important it is to be intentional about why it is we’re coming out to any one person and in particular how and why those of us with children might consider coming out to them.