What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before The Big Reveal, 2
April 20, 2008
Okay . . . . here’s the last four from me.
You can’t predict how people will respond when you come out to them. People can surprise you with their responses either way, and either way you have no control over people’s feelings or reactions. Everyone wants to protect the people they love from being upset but as overworked as this might sound people have to be free to have their feelings, and you can be sure they’re going to have them, just like you did when you realized you were gay. You had a mess of emotions come up and so will they. At the same time, if they react by saying cruel things or yell at you, you aren’t required to stay and listen. You don’t deserve to be mistreated and we don’t do them any good in allowing them to say things to us in the heat of the moment they’ll most likely regret one day. They can call a friend or their pastor or talk to another family member but you don’t need to hear it. Keep in mind that because you were prepared and they weren’t and have been flooded with new information and the feelings that go with them, it puts you into a bit of a position to be the one to provide some direction on how things go, what’s allowed and what’s inappropriate, and when the time needs to move toward a conclusion. It’s not about being controlling but about taking responsibility for the situation to the extent you’re able.
Arrange to have a loving and affirming person in your life be available to meet with you as soon as you’ve come out to your significant relationship. It’s so important to be able to talk to someone as soon as it’s over so you can review how it went and they can offer you support and encouragement as needed. You really need to hear that what you’ve done is a courageous act and relating what happened to someone right away helps clear some of the noise in your own head and can help get you centered again. Whether in person, on the phone, in email to a friend or jumping onto the SisterFriends Community Forum, do what you can to connect with caring and understanding people as soon as possible. Don’t be alone with something so big.
It’s not your fault if in coming out your parents or significant loved ones are having a hard time. You aren’t the problem. Your sexual orientation isn’t the problem. All that you’ve done is be honest about your life and who you are. You’ve taken a step out of the closet to walk in wholeness. That’s a glorious thing that brings light in the world and witnesses to God’s working in your life. I’m going to say it one more time because it’s important, you aren’t the problem and you didn’t make the problem. The problem is the condemning, fear-based language regarding homosexuality that’s been propagated by conservative Christians in the public eye, the anti-gay soundbytes from denominations and conservative politicians, and the biased interpretations of Scripture that’s been hammered into people’s hearts and minds. When people react painfully to your coming out it’s hard to not take it personally, especially when they might say personal things, but to the extent you can, try to not take it personally.
How people first respond isn’t necessarily going to be their final response. You’ve gone through a process in reconciling your faith and sexuality. Your loved ones are now on their own journey to come to some kind of understanding for themselves. They might be angry, sad, frightened, and confused and that’s just on the first day. On Tuesday they might be angry that you ever told them because they’d rather not have known, and then on Wednesday they might be angry because they feel you deceived them by not telling them sooner. Emotions and reactions will flip-flop, but what remains rock-solid constant is God’s reaction to you which is nothing less than total acceptance and ridiculously extravagant love. Don’t you dare forget that!
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Posted in Coming Out
April 20th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
I love this: ‘Emotions and reactions will flip-flop, but what remains rock-solid constant is God’s reaction to you which is nothing less than total acceptance and ridiculously extravagant love. Don’t you dare forget that!’
Just as our own coming to terms with ourselves has taken time, (often many years) so to some of our loved ones need TIME to work through THEIR feelings. But under no circumstances do they or anyone have the right to abuse you in anyway. They have the right to their feelings and opinions but they do not have the right to force you to listen to them. To me the best and most loving thing I can give both them and myself is to give them the time and space to process their feelings, while removing myself far enough to protect my own heart.