To Choose or Not To Choose?
July 1, 2008
In recent days many of us have heard reports from a study conducted by the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden that used MRI and PET scans to compare the brains of 90 people (25 straight men, 25 straight women, 20 gay men, 20 gay women), and found that the brains of gay men were more like those of straight women than of straight men and that brains of gay women tend to be more like straight men than straight women. The areas of similarity involved the size of various portions of the brain, and how a particular section of the brain (the amygdala) was connected to other regions of the brain; in gay men and straight women the connectors are more strongly tied to areas involving emotions; for gay women and straight men the strong connectors lead to the part of the brain that controls motor functions. I think it’s interesting but not all that important in the faith-based conversations of homosexuality.
Whenever homosexuality is the topic among people of faith, whether in friendly conversation or in heated debate, you can anticipate that at some point the question of choice will bounce to the top often in some variation of “Does a person choose to be gay or are they born that way?” While conservative Christians argue that gays and lesbians have chosen a sinful homosexual lifestyle, most gay and lesbian Christians answer back that being gay was never a choice for them. The conflict breaks down to pitting biology against choice. If homosexuality is genetic then same-sex attraction could be understood as an intrinsic and natural characteristic for a certain percentage of humans and thus an argument could be made that homosexuality is a matter of biology rather than moral choice or sin. On the other hand, if homosexuality is a deliberate, or even unconscious choice, then the line of reasoning goes that what can be chosen can be un-chosen, leading some gay and lesbian Christians into ex-gay ministries that for far too many set in motion the soul-wrenching hamster wheel of gay/ex-gay/ex-ex-gay and tragically there are times when the wheel doesn’t stop spinning until someone is ex-alive. We’ve lost so many good and young lives because they were led to believe that which they’d never chosen could be unchosen, leading them to try time and again to be what they were never meant to be in the first place.
There are things each of us know about ourselves that are unquestionable truths of our lives. One of those absolute facts, like day follows night, is that I never made a deliberate choice to be gay. That’s not to say I had no choice at all in the matter. I did. I made a long list of choices. I chose to trust my relationship with God. I chose to believe there was another way to understand the few Scriptures that were being used to condemn homosexuality. I chose to not see myself as sick or sinful but as beloved and holy. I chose to place my assurance in God and not in those who claimed to speak for God. I chose to love. I chose to live boldly. I chose to live openly as a Christian and a lesbian. These are the choices I’m accountable for and the ones I gladly take full responsibility for having made.
That’s my story and I’m sticking by it, but it’s my story and not necessarily shared by every other queer roaming the planet. In fact, I know it’s not because there are plenty of queer people who claim choice in their sexual orientation. This can be problematic for those GLBTQ Christians who’ve made the “it wasn’t a choice” line of reasoning a key component to their discourse on homosexuality and religion. I would have had a hard time of it myself in the early days of my own reconciliation journey had I heard there were gays and lesbians who actually chose to be gay and lesbian. *
As I realize how true what I’m about to say is, I can catch a glimpse of how far I’ve come in digging through the onion layers of my own internalized homophobia, and what I’m going to say is this; it no longer matters to me whether sexual orientation is rooted in nature or nurture, whether it’s genetic or environmental, learned or innate. It no longer matters to me because I don’t believe a person’s sexual orientation matters one iota to God anymore than it matters to God whether we’re left-handed or right-handed. Where I believe it matters to God is how we choose to use our left or right hand to bring either harm or healing to another human being. The action of our dominant hand, regardless of which hand it might be, is where God pays close attention. In the same way, whether we’re gay, straight, or bi, God’s interest isn’t in the object of our affection but in the expression of our affection. God cares about our motives and intentions and how we tend to the well-being and wholeness of others and that includes in sexually intimate relationships.
So what are your thoughts on all the whole nature-nurture, choice or non-choice rigmarole? I wait expectantly. In the meantime, this seems to be leading us toward the bigger conversation around the much requested topic of queer Christian sexual ethics but give me a day or two to pull that puppy together!
—-
*Afterword:
Despite having no personal experience in choosing my sexual orientation, I can readily accept the claim of others to have chosen theirs in light of the variances between being exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual [Refer to my post on Fluidity and the Sexuality Scale]. The large space in between allows for the possibility that these individuals could maintain choice in self-identifying and then living as gay, just as it allows for those individuals who maintain they were once gay and now choose to self-identify and live as straight or in their terminology, now identify as “ex-gay.” I don’t believe however that someone who is exclusively heterosexually-attracted can choose to be gay anymore than someone who is exclusively homosexually-attracted can choose to be straight, unless that choice is made with a willingness to settle for a painfully conflicted life where external actions and internal inclinations are at continually odds with one another.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Posted in Human Sexuality, The Bible and Homosexuality
July 1st, 2008 at 6:53 pm
So this past weekend, I came out to two very close friends of mine, friends I’ve been very afraid to talk to since I jumped off the gay/”ex gay”/ ex-”ex gay” hamster wheel.
One question they asked me, the former poster child of “ex gay,” was why I “came down of this side of the issue.” It was, I think, a question of choice vs. a priori. (I phrase this this way intentionally, which I will explain presently.) Why did I choose now to call myself gay, no longer “ex gay”? Especially, they asked, considering all the pain and suffering they’ve seen me endure all those years. I mean, what was the cause of all the pain, then?
I told them I came down on “this side” because of something my mom taught me years ago. She said that whenever I have a desire or capacity that I don’t know whether or not is God-purposed, to offer that desire or capacity up to God as a sacrifice. If it is taken away or otherwise diminished, then it wasn’t of God. If it stays or intensifies, then maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but God will honor what you offer to him. So I did that with my orientation, with the orientation I was choosing every day for twenty years to ignore, stuff down, rebuke, hate, and otherwise try to distance myself from. What I found was that I no longer had this inner duality of nature, that I wasn’t so constantly torn and consequently wasn’t so unhappy and filled with self-disgust.
So in this way, did I choose? Yes. Did I choose the orientation? Hmm. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? I doubt I’ll ever know, but I doubt it. I didn’t choose my dreams; in fact, I spent much time trying to get to the bottom of them so I could end them. I didn’t choose sometimes being overwhelmed with the wrong sort of love for good female friends of mine, that sort of love that all my “ex gay” training registered with screaming sirens and oversized red flags. What I did choose was to hate on me for all that, and to cower deeper in emotional (and eventually geographical) solitude.
Now to my chosen terminology, which is related, because it is at least clear that my “ex gay” identification was nurtured and chosen.
Recently, a couple of good friends here, also writing their dissertations in philosophy. and I got into a careful (and that means long and technical) discussion about exactly this “nature / nurture” issue, regarding homosexuality, regarding handedness, and regarding other recessive traits. The distinction Ash made was that some things that we call “nature” might also just as easily be called “nurture”—for example, what happens to the already-developing fetus in the womb. The fact is, the DNA is certainly “nature” (or what comes before any external stimulus, so is a priori). But any external stimulus on the entity can be, maybe even should be (?) called ‘nurture.’ If this is the case, then the opposition of “choice” and “nature” is a false one, for something could be nurtured into a recessive trait (or out of one) by virtue of any external stimulus that is sufficient to the task (like, e.g., the mother’s hormones on a male fetus, carried after she’s had a number of other male fetuses).
So then we have two questions, neither of which I have answers for. Is homosexuality chosen? Not for me, but for others? I don’t know. But it might be that those who are “gay by choice” are mistaking the notion of “choosing” for the notion of “embracing what was nurtured”, perhaps by being nurtured in an environment that was gay-friendly, or perhaps by having other things in them nurtured to such a degree that it was an inevitable consequence that they would be gay. I do think, however, that it seems entirely plausible that heterosexuality is nurtured, and at least insofar as one desires social sanction, can be to one degree or another, “chosen.”
One thing about “choice” is that it is, philosophically speaking, a rational activity, having to do with one deliberating over mutually exclusive options, both of which one perceives to be fully actualizable. So for one to choose to be gay, one must have as a very real future possibility one’s being straight (and vice versa). So for one to “choose” to be gay, one must be fully capable of being straight, of having no attraction to others of the same gender. I wonder whether those “gay by choice” advocates understand choice this way (the way philosophers have understood choice since the days of Plato, by the way). If not, then I question whether they chose to be gay.
The second question is even less answerable (at least by me). Is homosexuality an a priori or nurtured trait? Consider the brain study you mentioned. All we know is the relationship between a certain biological feature and people’s orientation; we know nothing of any causal relation, thus nothing regarding whether the orientation causes the brain state or vice versa. We do know that brains change (sheathing to protect electro-chemical passages), and that in those with brain injuries, the demand for new passageways will alter the brain substantially. We also know that mathematical geniuses and savants have significantly distinct brain states, due to the massive protection (sheaths) the brain constructs to protect the most-used neural passages.
So it might be, in gays, that the “choice” or the “nurturing” causes alteration in brains, such that they turn out significantly different than those of straights. Or it might be that the “natural” brain state (e.g., the brain state determinately caused by DNA programming) causes the orientation. Alas for us. We see a correlation, but have no tools (yet) to make heads or tails about what this correlation means.
And that ridiculously wordy and academic response, my friend, is what you get when the Bon has been working on her dissertation all day and then jumps over to your blog only to find something she’s been mulling over for a while. But there you go.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Academic in the house! Academic in the house! Whoa girl, next time before you read my blog do me a favor and watch an episode of “The Simpsons” first so I at least won’t have to work so hard in dissecting your comments!
And all that, by the way, was a joke. I really appreciated all you added because it highlights how all of this isn’t summed up in one size fits all statements of categorical fact and I think we need to resist the temptation of running for the easy answers because more often than not, they don’t answer for everyone. I’m fascinated by your friend Ash’s proposal about what is nature being nurtured in vitro.
Oh, that was good.
And just so you know, 357. Licks I mean.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:10 am
Well Anita, I don’t even know where I fully stand on this issue. I truly believe that for some it is NOT a choice! Part of me also knows that for some, it may have to do with very purposeful choices… BUT it is hard to ever give any slack on that “choice” line because of individuals like my ex husband (who is still emailing me since that 6/20 email) with reasons why I am a sinner, and why I should “leave my ungodly relationship” (you were right, even in the best frame of mind… that does wear on me!). So, sometimes it feels like protecting myself to get behind “it is NOT a choice” so that the condemning voices can be toned down. (It sounds redundant, but I am grateful to have this place to read and feel safe and accepted… when much of the “Christian” world out there is such a harsh place to be.)
“I don’t believe a person’s sexual orientation matters one iota to God anymore than it matters to God whether we’re left-handed or right-handed. Where I believe it matters to God is how we choose to use our left or right hand to bring either harm or healing to another human being.” This resonates with the biggest part of me! And TODAY I choose to live like I have fully accepted this… and myself!
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 am
Okay A.C. that last comment of yours had me totally laughing.. I love your humour. 357!! LOL
I get asked often, “Do you think you were born that way?” and I have always (until very recently… after the 4 day challenge) answered with, “I don’t know. But whether I was born this way or chose this because of life circumstances, either way I am gay.”
I think it was still some of growing up having been “churched” that really had me headstrong that if God was against this then no I couldn’t have been born this way. But the more I come to know Him and His truth and plan for my life, I know that He isn’t against me, this isn’t something I have any control over nor can I choose not to be…. therefore… my conclusion dear scholars is that I was born this way.
Even coming to that realization caused a struggle within me… but the more I become “unchurched” and the more I find the truth of who He is, I find the truth of who I am and the realization finds it’s way to completing the seeking and the questioning in such a peaceful way.
Oh and I am looking forward to the puppy… Queer Christian Sexual Ethics!!! Bring it on!!! Come on Spock, dare to go where others wouldn’t dare ha ha ha!!! no really bring it on.. please!
*ok editing out a huge paragraph here* Will save my thots and comments on sexual ethics until you actually pull the puppy together
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:47 am
oh and this “I don’t believe a person’s sexual orientation matters one iota to God anymore than it matters to God whether we’re left-handed or right-handed. Where I believe it matters to God is how we choose to use our left or right hand to bring either harm or healing to another human being.”
YES!!! I couldn’t agree more.. it is always a heart matter with God… always!!
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:24 am
Wendy–>I totally understand the personal reasons we have to march under the “It’s NOT a choice” banner. Been there, done that, so get it, and especially when you’re dealing with an annual onslaught of “repent of your sin and leave it behind.” I think the dilemma enter when “it was my choice” and “it wasn’t my choice” are viewed as competing realities; when people say that it has to be either one or the other and that in both being stated, that’s read as some contradiction that weakens our entire position. That’s why when I go into a conversation with someone with an oppositional viewpoint, I’m very clear in saying that it was never a choice for me and I can even go so far as saying it was never a choice for the gay people I know, but I avoid doing the whole “being gay isn’t a choice” simply because I cringe making general statements that lump us all together. Doing so makes me feel like I’d be negating the reality of other queers as well as reinforcing this idea that homosexuals can be spoken about as a single entity anymore than heterosexuals could be. We’re all just individual people with individual experiences and for that reason, having said all that I just said Wendy, ignore everything I just said. Whatever you need to say to your husband to get through those kind of conversations, say. In the end, he’s probably just going to hear what he needs/wants to hear anyway. But hey, I thought his discourses were limited to annual dispensations!
Joni–> Great stuff! And like you, ultimately it doesn’t matter how or why, just that I am.
I hope you saved that paragraph of yours to contribute later. Arf! Arf!
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Thank you Anita. I also thought my EX-husband’s discourses were limited to semi-annual. it is strange that when I told him (after this last series) that it was not a conversation I was willing to have with him any longer, he sent back another, even longer, and with even more “scripture.” He tried to liken his former addiction to pornography to my “addiction” to this “lifestyle” (his terms) and then questioned if a porn addict or a lesbian would be a fit parent. There is no reasoning with him, clearly. But I digressed.
The one thing I do know for sure is that we all are individuals with unique nature & nurture that makes us who we are today. I like what you said to Joni there, and it is what I wish I could impart to everyone from my former life: “ultimately it doesn’t matter how or why, just that I am.” AMEN!
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I’m of the fluid train of thought–I’m like 100% straight like I’m 100% left handed (only leftie in my whole family born in the 20th century), but there is someone out there who is 100% not straight.
I think there might be people who can make the transition, but for each one person there are scores of others who can’t and then they run from God and before it is over it becomes a huge mess. If they don’t run, then they struggle night and day with their sexuality to make the change, and I grieve for them. I grieve that there is so much pressure by the straight conservatives and so many internal tapes that keep playing and plaguing. God isn’t so cruel–I’ve seen the struggle from the outside, and wonder why people don’t see it, too. Maybe they haven’t taken the time to listen. That’s my next book venture…my straight, conservative brothers and sisters need to know.
I would tell you this that the straight community have been told the ex-gay works every time IF the people are willing and stay with the program. So the general straight conservative goes about their life thinking this is the answer. If a person does not finish the course then they believe the person preferred to return to their “sin”.
Anyway your blog along with the comments were very nice.
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Hey Wendy, a thought.
I had this friend in high school with whom I hung out tons. She was also artsy fartsy, at least the writerly sort. Anyway, we lost touch and then regained contact after some years, and from this act (on my part, I admit), came a very dysfunctional friendship that lasted for a a little over a decade (not counting our high school days and the long silence).
Anyway, she was very, oh, I dunno, maybe “borderline personality” is the image I want here, but not regarding her, just regarding how she treated me. She’d be very nice, encouraging, and soliciting my counsel on issues spiritual. Then whammo! she’d hit me with a deep sucker punch of emotional or verbal abuse.
After time, our friendship was nothing more than a letter-writing exchange, and she’d send me these long tomes (fat, heavy envelopes with extra postage) or these endless emails (about as long as my academic postings on my blog) that would begin by “voicing her concern” about me in some area (translate: abuse me with scripture for awhile), and then she’d close the letter by saying how great I was. Or maybe she’d begin by saying how much she respected me, and then the letter would go on and on for pages about how unrespectable I am. It was horrific.
I decided I didn’t deserve such treatment. I wrote her one last letter, and had it vetted by a friend who didn’t know her at all, in order to ensure that my letter was not accusatory or manipulative. I said that our friendship had died years earlier, and that what we had at present was dysfunctional and abusive. And I told her that it was wrong of me to try to hook up this dead horse to life support, that I was going to do the merciful thing and let it die. I told her I’d never read another thing she wrote, but to know that I wished her all the best and hoped her life would be blessed. My friend (the vetter) cried through the whole thing, actually. She said she could feel the sadness, and that the letter was kind and certainly final.
Then I put a filter on my email so that her emails would be automatically deleted from the server, before they downloaded onto my computer. This way I would not be tempted (by what? some maschocistic self-destructive tendencies?) to read her abusive emails. And even though she sent me a couple more huge, fat letters, I never opened them, tossing them immediately in the dumpster.
If you are divorced, and if he is only seeing fit to abuse you, you have no duty to allow this to continue. Heck, even if you’re only separated you don’t need to read these letters. Maybe he needs to write them, but you don’t need to subject yourself to this manipulative tactic.
Just thoughts. Protect yourself; you deserve it.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I was once horribly fundamental. God has been patient with me and it really doesn’t matter if you’re born gay or it comes because you ate the lead paint off the babybed. What matters in my world—the straight, conservative world—is that we love with the same love that Jesus loved us. It is a love without finger pointing or hidden agendas. It is the least we can do for anyone!
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Oh Anita (yes, run, hide, it’s me again),
I don’t believe however that someone who is exclusively heterosexually-attracted can choose to be gay anymore than someone who is exclusively homosexually-attracted can choose to be straight, unless that choice is made with a willingness to settle for a painfully conflicted life where external actions and internal inclinations are at continually odds with one another.
Amen, amen, and amen, sister. And oh, I guess there’s another option. Once could be bisexual, maybe leaning more towards one direction, but then able to “choose” to lean the other way, maybe to avoid the stigma (in both gay and straight communities) of, as a good friend of mine once unfortunately said, “not being able to make up their mind.” (A false conception of bisexuality if ever I heard one!) Anyway, since one’s orientation is on a scale (like, say, the Kinsey scale), it might be that somebody between the 4 and 5 range could perceive themselves to “choose” to be gay or “choose” to be straight, by virtue of ignoring some of their attractions and focusing on the others. Still, I don’t think that’s choosing to be gay or straight so much as it’s choosing to behave in a certain way that is consistent with one’s bisexual orientation. But don’t lets mince words. I’ve pretty much pureed them as it is.
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Anita like you I see the need to be very clear to people that my orientation was not my choice, while respecting that for some people closer to being bi-sexual (a 1 on either side of 0 true bi, on the sexuality scale) choice may be involved. Now I did Choose to marry a man. For me this was very mentally damaging. To force myself to live completely out side of my nature I had to separate parts of my mind. As a result I am missing nearly 15 years of memories and require medication for depression.
An elderly person told me that she had wondered through out her life well into her 30s if she was gay. She never felt any attraction or diversion to or from men. She preferred females as friends. However she did marry a man at 37 and had children (which seemed to be the only reason she married). She never seemed to change in needing him in her life or not. (I’ve known this person for a long time, and all I can guess is since she was able to maintain this heterosexual relationship without damaging her emotional/mental being is that she is much closer to being bi than I am).
Another friend confided in me years ago (she has been quite happily married to her high school boyfriend for many years) yet she had a female friend years ago that she was very attracted to. One day they were visiting and she said all she could think about was how it would feel for her friend to embrace her. Since she already was married that was it. Yet even years later she realized that if she had been available it would have been different. It seems to me that both these people are bi and because of the circumstances could have be content in either a straight relationship or a gay one.
There is not a one size fits all answer to why anyone can or can not live in either world. Love is complex. People seem to want to try to fit each other into boxes that reflect themselves. I know I could not every be straight no matter how hard I tried or wanted it. But that does not mean that for some people they may be able to either to conform to ’social norms’ because they are bi-sexual and have found someone of the opposite gender who they love. I do not believe that anyone who is either predominately gay or predominately heterosexual can change their nature. I have seen people who have chosen to become ex-gay and even marry. Yet from the ones I have seen they it is evident they are still gay. They would even say that although they loved their spouses they live in a constant struggle. No matter how they dress this up they are still who they are by their natural nature. I am saddened by this church sanctioned homophobia that forces some people to endure this self inflicted abuse. As someone who has lived through it I know personally the damage it can do, not only to oneself but the entire family.
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Bon: I can’t thank you enough for sharing this story… this perspective… it is so applicable! So sounds like what I go through with my EX husband (of nearly a decade). This part just rang out like a bell: “…’voicing her concern’ about me in some area (translate: abuse me with scripture for awhile)”… YES! You nailed it!! Valuable thoughts Bon… that I am tucking in to my pocket to use! It just may work! I handle all son-sharing communication with his wife… so I don’t ever really need to get an email from him. Bless you!
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:30 am
It hasn’t felt like a choice to me but it may be for some. For me though, the whole choice/not a choice thing is a red herring. It distracts from the whole discussion of what is moral sexual behavior and the fact that heterosexuals (many of whom are Christian) so rarely live up to that “standard” themselves. You want to talk morality? Fine, but we’re going to talk about your choices too.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:18 am
I once had a very good friend that believed that my orientation was a choice that I had made and that someday I would choose to be straight again. (When I met the right man…LOL). So I asked her if she could ever be in a homosexual relationship and she let me know in no uncertain terms that she could not. So I asked her if being straight was a choice she made and when she said no, I answered neither is my oreintation a choice.
That being said, I know there are 100% straight, 100% gay and all others who fall somewhere in between. The important thing isn’t the orientation or level thereof, but living to be who God created. If God created you straight, then go out and be the best little straight person you can, if God created you gay, the same rules apply. And to me it doesn’t matter who a person sleeps with or who they love, just that they act out of love.
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:35 am
Yet again Kelli girl, love it!!
“So I asked her if being straight was a choice she made and when she said no, I answered neither is my oreintation a choice.”
‘nough said in my opinion LOL
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:46 am
wvhillcountry no one could say it better.
The question really is whether we individually live truthfully who we are in the way God intended for us. To be authentically who we are and live that to God’s standards of love. It is not who we love as much as HOW we love and whether or not we actually love. There is a huge difference between love and simply sex alone no matter what your orientation is.The way I see it we are living sinfully if we abuse ourselves by living a lie just as much is if a heterosexual person chose to try to live our lives.
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:00 am
wvhillcounrty I noticed in your post you said, ‘…a very good friend that believed that my orientation was a choice that I had made and that someday I would chose to be straight again.’ I just wanted to point out that SHE had made the ASSUMPTION that because you (I was too) were married to a man that you HAD BEEN STRAIGHT before. Being married to a man never made me straight! Anymore than if a straight person forced themselves to live as a gay person. I tried to explain this to a friend when she used this logic on me. She said that I should try a gay relationship(ie sex) and see if I was really gay. She figured that since I have never had a gay lover that there was no way for me to KNOW that I am gay. But this is based on her own orientation. She could not understand that just as she knew she was attracted to males before she ever was intimate with one, I know my own orientation. Since heterosexual people are the majority they don’t even have to think about why they are heterosexual. And some of them find it strange that we have to think about our orientation. They don’t understand the costs we endure. Whether we accept ourselves for who we are or not it comes with a cost.
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:54 am
Eliz, A lot of people assume that since I was married to a man that I was straight and then switched sides. I was as gay then as now, the only difference is that I was living the life I was told that I was supposed to live. And yes, the attraction is there long before there is any intimate contact. I knew I was gay long before I admitted it to myself.
I have to agree that is not who we love but HOW we love.
July 3rd, 2008 at 1:07 pm
And sadly some people refuse to see our love as love not just sex. I think that is where a lot of well meaning people get hung up. That we LOVE someone or are only capable of truly loving of the same the same gender. That sex is not just an act, but an expression of deeply rooted loving feelings of attachment just the same as it is for heterosexual people. Or at least it should be in my opinion. That intimacy is far more complicated than just ‘doing it’.
July 4th, 2008 at 7:26 am
With myself, I don’t think I fully understood my sexuality or about “choices” until I was older. As a child and as a teenager, I always felt drawn towards women. However, I was raised in a very ultra-conservative, religious, closed-minded, sheltered, straight, male-dominated household so I ignored those feelings.
I can remember when I was about 13 or 14 watching a news special, had to be abc, nbc or cbs, as those were the only stations we had. Anyway, the show was about whether or not same sex couples could have kids. This was probably 1976 or 1977. I don’t remember the entire premise of the show. I do remember thinking hmmmm interesting, but then my father was there going that is disgusting and an abomination… blah blah blah and turned it off. So instantly in my mind as a young impressionable teen, I put it to the file cabinet in my mind of “gay people are totally disgusting, and an abomination”. I never understood…
I continued on through my impressionable years wanting a relationship. I am not sure what I was looking for to be quite honest. I think that in my growing up, I never even considered myself as a lesbian, I think simply because it never occurred to me that that was a “choice or part” of who I might be. I wasn’t “raised” that way. If that even makes sense.
I married a man, very much like my father, their personalities are very much the same. I look back now and know I married him, because all of my college roommates were getting married (I had 5 roommates) and I was scared to death of being alone. I did my best to enjoy my marriage the way a married couple does. It didn’t work for me. It became a mundane chore for me. My husband told me time and time again how he thought I was a lesbian. That I would look at women, not men, I didn’t even know I was doing it. There was a lot of things that went on. But I wasn’t happy. Nor was he happy. When we had been married something like 5 or 6 years, I found out that my husband had been in a gay relationship as a teenager. Not only that but he had had several gay encounters. I was at a loss. I was in a city where we knew no one, had no family around and no money to do anything about it. We ended up staying together, I think because we didn’t know what else to do.
After being married about 14-15 years, going through the motions and a whole lot more, I met a woman. I instantly felt like oh my finally this is what I am looking for. The glass slipper fits! I felt happy for the first time in my life. But, too, I thought oh my this can’t be right, yes the drawer in my head came open again, “you can’t be gay” it is an abomination, remember?. I tried and tried to run from my feelings.
So now, here we were, my husband at the time, unable to hide his feelings for men. I had turned a blind eye to so much in our marriage. And then there was me, longing to be with this woman opening up feelings that I know I had suppressed for so many years. Okay, now what to do? We both wanted to be with the same sex, but couldn’t because it wouldn’t be the “right” thing to do. He even told me we should never have met! He even asked me is I would consider having relationships within our marriage. He would have a boyfriend and I would have my girlfriend. And live in the same house! That noone would ever know! I told him flatout NO!
It got to the point of where I couldn’t stand it anymore and I walked out on him and went to her. I have not gone back. I divorced him. We still talk (still have a kid together), but he is where he wants to be and I know I am too.
So for me, was it a choice, no, I really and truly don’t think so. I do think that our society, albeit better now than it used to be, sends so many mixed messages. It took alot for me to overcome the upbringing that I had to finally come to terms with the fact that yes, I am a lesbian and that is okay. It took alot of soulsearching as well as hiding from God, to being open with God, to come to where I am today. I do my very best to seek out what God wants for me and who I am through Him. I also think that love has alot to do with our feelings as well. I love the woman I am with, I even told her this morning that I know I love her in such a way that I have never loved anyone else. I never felt that with my ex-husband. Do I consider myself straight turned gay. Do I consider myself Bi.. No. I think I was confused as a young adult. No, I consider myself a child of God, who suppressed my feelings as to who I really am until I was an adult and understood who I am.
I think each person must follow their own individual journey and seek out what it is about themselves and find out who they are. I think too that I can’t put everyone in the same box, nor put my glass slipper on anyone else, as I know the fit wouldn’t be there.