Unapologetically Christian, Unapologetically Lesbian
February 13, 2008
Christian. Lesbian.
It’s not a contradiction. Neither are you.
When I wrote that phrase some time ago and as I write this post today I’m thinking of you who believe there’s no such thing as a “Christian lesbian.” You consider the term to be a contradiction of terms but more than that, you regard it an offense to the Gospel. You believe if someone identifies as a Christian they would seek repentance from homosexuality and would do all they could to change and short of change they would at least commit to not “practicing” homosexuality.
I also have those of you in mind who, even while doubting such a thing as a “Christian lesbian” exists have haltingly admitted to yourself that while you love Christ and are committed to the Christian life, your desire for an intimate and loving relationship is with another woman. Because of this apparent conflict you feel as though there’s a choice you’ll have to eventually make, to either walk away from your faith in God or deny, reject, or attempt to change your attraction to other women.
Whether paragraph one or paragraph two best describes where you stand, I’m writing as someone who knows your position because at one time I was you. For much of my life I believed homosexuality was a sin that led good people astray from a true faith in God. I watched Christian talk shows and gave thanks for the those who shared stories of deliverance from the “homosexual lifestyle.” I didn’t hesitate to share my beliefs with college friends who opened up with me about their own struggles with sexuality because I loved them and didn’t want to see them go down a road that would take them so far from where I believed God desired for them to be.
A few years later I was the one engaged in an internal conflict like I’d never known before and that I could never have imagined. My faith in Christ meant everything to me and my greatest longing was to live in a way that brought honor to God but suddenly I recognized my lifelong unnamed feelings as being the very thing that would bring the most disappointment to the heart of God. My fear and shame were so great I told no one and spent my evening hours crying out to God in prayers full of promise. I will change. I will do whatever it takes. I will never do anything to disgrace you. I will die before I do. And prayers of pleading. Please forgive me for whatever I did to make this happen. Change me. Help me. Don’t leave me. Please don’t hate me. In that moment I looked down the path of my future and saw nothing good.
I really have been there. I really have said and done and felt that but no longer does paragraph one or paragraph two represent who I am or what I believe. I stand in another place about both pieces of my life, as one who is a Christian and a lesbian.
1. I am a Christian.
There was a time in my life when I made the intentional decision to say yes to a relationship with God through Christ by recognizing that it was through Jesus’ life, death and resurrection that God’s saving presence entered into the world. I was a child when I first said yes and even though on my best day I live out my yes imperfectly I choose again and again to say yes each day of my life. Yes, I love God above all else. Yes, I will follow after God’s will. Yes, I will seek to love others as Christ loved. Yes, I will be the grace of God in the world.
I’m not a Christian out of my own righteousness but by the righteousness of God and the completed work of Christ given freely to all. ( John 11:25, John 5:24, John 20:31, Romans 1:16, Ephesians 2:8,9 and Colossians 1:21-23). Salvation hinges on nothing else; not adherence to church tradition or believing in doctrines or creeds. The assurance of my faith is grounded in Christ and Christ alone and to add conditions or requirements onto that reality is to imply that the death and resurrection of Jesus was insufficient, that Jesus was wrong when he said from the cross “It is finished.” While a church might say “Believe as we believe and do as we do and you may join us here” Jesus welcomes all based on nothing other than the love and grace of God.
2. I am a lesbian.
While I remember the very place and time when at the age of five I became a Christian, there was never a single moment when I made a conscious choice to be a lesbian and I always take it with a mix of mild amusement and irritation that some people will argue it was a choice. It’s amazing and yes, exasperating at times, that people who don’t know me or other GLBTQ people personally would be so presumptuous as to assume they know the reality of our lives more than we do.
My Beloved and I have been together for nearly nine years. We were married in a church filled with friends and in the presence of God. There’s nothing about our life together that would look strange or odd were the one I love a man and our relationship heterosexual. I cook breakfast. She makes the bed. We shower, dress and go to work. During the day we call each other to express our love or to remind the other to pick up more milk on the way home. After the dinner dishes are put away, we watch television or play with the kittens or putter around the house until bedtime when we fall asleep beside the other. There’s nothing bizarre about our life. Nothing unusual. While some would even consider our lives boring I treasure each day as an amazing and joyful blessing.
And yet, there’s something very different about being a lesbian in this world. Being lesbian means knowing that in certain parts of the world you can’t hold your partner’s hand in public as straight couples do without risking being ridiculed, physically assaulted, or imprisoned. Being lesbian means picking up the paper every morning or watching the news every night to hear about some new legislation that’s being debated that if passed would negatively impact your life. Being lesbian means listening to false stereotypes being painted about you and the people you love every Sunday morning by television evangelists, all in the name of God. Being lesbian means trying to explain the nonexistence of the homosexual lifestyle and the gay agenda to strangers.
But being lesbian means even more. Being lesbian means celebrating the joy of being a woman. Being lesbian means giving full expression to the depth of the love within you. Being lesbian means living confidently with God’s approval rather than with the approval of others. Being a lesbian means standing in solidarity with others who stand on the outside whether they be the poor, the sick, the elderly, or any among God’s creation deemed not acceptable by the majority. Being lesbian means finding your courage and living boldly. Being lesbian means experiencing another woman’s courage when she takes your hand in a roomful of strangers or shows her wedding ring proudly without embarrassment or thought to what others will think.
I am a Christian. That’s my faith. I am a lesbian. That’s my sexual orientation. I make no apology for being either and if after all is said and done I remain a contradiction to some folks then that’s the way it will be. I can’t prevent someone from rejecting the presence of God in my life, or calling the love between my partner and I perverted, or even denying the sufficiency of salvation through faith by requiring I be heterosexual to receive it. In the same way no one has the power to remove the confidence I have in God, or diminish the quality of love I’ve been graced to share with my Beloved, or say or do anything that will separate me from the love of God I have in Christ Jesus.
I love being a Christian and I love being a lesbian because for me it’s about living a life of wholeness and gratitude for all that God has done through Christ and for all that God is doing in me.
Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Marriage, Opposing, Public Homilies, Questioning
Sweet Hope Cookies
February 19th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I truly enjoyed your post. I wish all people felt the same. I battle with my one son as to this constantly. He feels that I am living a life of sin and so I can not associate with my grandkids with my wife of 7 yrs. I can only come around them alone. So I have choose to not go over any more. It hurts not to see them but my wife is my other half and we do things together. She by no means agrees that I should stop going over there as she feels my grandkids needs to see me but I just can’t do it any more. It tears me up to go over there and want to take them to the movies or Disneyland etc., but I can only do that if my wife stays home. No way not gonna happen no more. Am I wrong? Who knows I don’t, that’s for sure.
February 19th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Hi Deanna, That’s a really difficult situation and one many GLBTQ people face in one way or another, being put into a position of feeling as though we need to choose between the families of origin we love and the family we’ve created with our partners. Others will have different opinions than but my feeling is to avoid thinking black or white on this; to choose those occasions when you’ll be with your grandkids and those times when you’ll take a stand and remain with your wife instead. Grandkids are such an incredible gift and these years go so quickly for them and it would be a shame to get years down the road and regret having missed Grandma moments with those kids.You said your wife understands (and bless her for that) so take your grandkids to Disneyland. Love them, be with them, and cherish them as I’m sure you do! And other times, choose being with your wife. We all have to find our way to handle these situations with all the grace and wisdom we can while not compromising the truth of who we are and who we love.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:02 am
This post was very inspirational to me. Thank you for posting it. I had a hard time in the past feeling close to God when I realized I was in love with another woman. I found myself running from him rather than running to him. She’s the love of my life, an I’m afraid to lose her because she is struggling with the commitment part of the relationship, not the love. She is in love with me too, but we are both Chistian and have always known it to be a contridiction. She has realized that there is a need for change and to be led by the spirit, but the fear still bothers her enough to not put a title to the relationship just yet, or possibly not at all. I want to become closer to God, and grow spiritually with her. She is 4 years younger than me, and some of it I feel might be because she is not ready for as big of a commitment as I am, but I’m ready and willing to wait for her.
January 10th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Anita: I Thank God for this website – it has helped me a great deal.
While I have never asked God to change my sexual orientation, I just told myself that I would be celibate and also tell myself and others that I was born to be single.
Last year I did some soul searching and Jesus “pulled a Lazarus” on me and He helped me to come out. Although it hasn’t been an easy year, I am grateful to God and I have begun to help fight LGBT discrimination in my denomination.
Peace and Love
January 11th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
JRC–> Thank you for adding your comments and for sharing a small piece of your own story with us. Coming out really is like coming into a new life like Lazarus and I hope along with the difficulties that are sure to come, you experience great joy and blessing as well. Thank you as well for pressing forward in working within your own denomination!
January 13th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Hi Anita – thank you for your reply. This has been a roller coaster of emotions for me and of course a faith struggle as well. I will be meeting with my senior pastor next week (I have already come out to one of my associate pastors who is very supportive) to discuss my faith struggle and where I think God is leading me. Please pray for me
Peace,
jrc
February 1st, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I’m 16 and I’ve been raised in christianity. I’m supposed to believe that love, like true love is between a man and a woman. I was fine with that until recently. I have found myself being very attracted to a girl and I honestly hate myself for it. This girl is a really good friend of mine. Anytime she touches me it’s electrifying. help me!
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Riley–> I was raised with the same understanding of love and relationships as it sounds you have been so I understand that your feelings for one of your girlfriends can be really confusing and frightening to you. If you’ll continue to look around this website and some of the other blogs I have listed on the front page, as well as the many lists of Christian churches that are fully accepting of gays and lesbians it might help you to see that there’s not one way for Christians to view the question of homosexuality. I hope you take time to check out a wide variety of resources and then in the end you’re going to have to settle what you believe about homosexuality between you and God. What I can promise you Riley is that if you listen to God, God will be faithful to speak to you and lead you along the way God has for you. Riley, from my heart to yours I just want to say a couple things. First, don’t hate yourself for any feeling that you have. 16 years of age, and any of us who were 16 once can tell you, is a really difficult time filled with feelings that are at times confusing and overwhelming. It’s all part of the package of growing up and it’s a hard part. Whether you’re 16 or 26 Riley, don’t hate yourself for anything. There is nothing about you that deserves to be hated. There is nothing hateful in you. You are a child of God and God delights in you. Whether you’re gay or straight isn’t the point. What God desires is that you live into the fullness of who you were created to be and that you be free to express who Riley is in this world. Riley is unique and brings things into the world that no one else can do in the same way. And Riley, please don’t try to shape yourself into who you aren’t because you think it will be more acceptable. Those of us who lived many years of our lives trying to do that very thing will tell you it’s a really hard way to live and ends up being the very thing that kept us from being as close to God as we longed to be. It’s only when we came to accept who we were (and I’m not talking just about our sexual orientation) that we were free to worship and know God in a way that satisfied our hearts. Relax as much as you can with those big feelings Riley and trust that in time things will begin to sort themselves out. There’s no hurry. You’re okay. In fact, you’re MORE than okay. Blessings, Anita
May 16th, 2009 at 5:28 am
What a fascinating read. Let me share some of my journey. I ‘came out’ when I was about 22 years old. I was (and still am) a single mum with a then two year old. The feeling was immensely satisfying to finally look myself in the mirror and acknowlege who I truly was.
When I was 25, I had another child, via AI, again, as a single person, but this time as an ‘out’ Lesbian. But as that year progressed I started getting drawn back to Christianity (I had been a christian in my teen years but moved away from God later on). I really struggled, because like most, I have believed that that homosexuality and christianity just don’t go together, but I couldn’t imagine being any other way.
I did a heap of research, trying to find a way to still become a christian but keep my sexuality (bare with me here, before you get annoyed with me), but everywhere I looked, I just could not find honest interpretations that would allow me to do so, so I determined that I would leave my lesbian lifestyle behind.
And I truly believed I was ”cured” . I got engaged to a guy but that didn’t work out, and I have honestly had interests in men over the past 6 years.
But sometimes those old feelings would raise their head, and I would whack them back down, but lately, I don’t know that I want to get rid of them anymore – I feel some of my old self resurfacing and I am truly confused as to what direction I should take. I sincerely believe that to embrace this lifestyle is to turn my back on God – I WANT to believe like you do, oh how I want to, but at this stage I just can’t. I can’t talk to anyone about it either as I am heavily involved with Christians from all walks of life and have brought my children up with strong Christian teachings. I feel I couldn’t come back ‘out’ now as I would have to hide who I am from everyone – including my kids. I was once a loud and proud lesbian – I don’t think I could ever be that way again.
I don’t know what direction I am going to go in – I am totally leaving it up to God, to be honest. I haven’t asked for these feelings to resurface, but they have. I’ve been praying for a husband for the past 6 years and nothing has happened. I am feeling dissilusioned with God and Christianity – the Church just doesn’t sit right with me anymore – I have no JOY in my faith.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a little of where I am at. Please don’t think I am making any of these comments in judgement on your beliefs, this is just how I feel right now and I needed to get it off my chest.
May 17th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Mel–>I really thank you for your honesty. Though your story is different than mine and though we might have traveled different roads and reached different conclusions for our lives, I can do nothing but respect your story and extend my hand to you as another Sister in Christ. Your story doesn’t “annoy” me at all. Rather what I hear is someone who desperately loves God and wants to be in the center of God’s will no matter what the cost and how can I do anything but honor that?
It sounds like you’re at a place right now that feels uncertain for you and all I can offer is my hope that through it all you sense the nearness of God’s Spirit and can rest in God’s promise to lead and guide you into all truth. I wouldn’t dare to say what that truth is for you but whatever it is, when you find yourself at peace, when you feel whole before God, and are walking in the freedom of the Spirit, then you will have arrived. I’d also risk saying that it won’t come through the church or even religion. Both have failed and will continue to fail to answer to the real needs of real people. What doesn’t fail though Mel is one human heart connecting with the heart of God through relationship. There may be no joy in your faith right now, but there is joy, immeasurable joy to be found in turning your focus away from all the externals that will always disappointment and turning to that one relationship that will never fail you. Through all you’ve been through, through all the turns of your life God has been right there, never out of reach, always within arm’s distance. God would have it no other way. I really believe this. I really believe that in every moment you describe God has been loving you and delighting in you through it all.
I take no judgment in your words. Please take none in mine. I have no interest in winning you over to what I believe in terms of human sexuality and faith. If I could win you over to anything at all it would just be that you would awaken to a deeper knowing of God’s great love for you and that standing in that place you would see the path clearly that will lead you to living your life in fullness and in joy….gay or straight or whatever makes no difference to me.
Anyway, thank you for adding your story here. I hope doing so lightened the load a bit for you. Blessings, Anita
October 28th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Do you know of any Christian Lesbians Cruises for committed partners? I am in love with the woman I believe will be my life partner. She wants to go on a Cruise that is all Lesbian. I would prefer to go on a cruise with Christian Lesbians as I can’t tolerate obscenity or irresponsible behavior between uncommitted partners. Yes, I guess I still have pretty conservative Christian values.
Nancy
November 1st, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I am very confused about this – I think I can be a lesbian and I think I can be a Christain – both at the same time but my situation may be a little different in that I am not sure I can be a good christian wife to a man, a good mother to 3 children a good pastor to a church and be a lesbian. I discovered I had an attraction to women for absolute certain about a year ago now. I think there were signs of it when I was much younger, but I don’t want to make too much of it now. I married to do the right thing – that is what people did. I have a wonderful husband who sitll finds me incredibly sexy after 20 years – i just wish that I felt the same. Unfortunatley I don’t – my heart and mind are completely with another woman the whole time we are together. I can absolutley assure you I never chose this – i have not had relations with this woman although we have hinted at it a great deal and steal every moment we can together. I don’t feel guilty about our relationship – because it does just feel so right and I feel so much more at peace but I know that realistically I cannot expect my marriage to go on without a decent sex life.
To clarify I do need to say that I have had very little interest in sex from day one in my marriage – I just never knew why until now.
Problem 2 stems from not wanting to allow a marriage to struggle when 3 beautiful children are part of it. 2 are grown now (20 and 18) but one is still 13. they do not deserve this but how long can I let myself be in anguish over this.
finally the ministry part – I feel such a horrible sense of guilt when I am in the pulpit or doing anything else really and my mind drifts to her. Is God judging me – am I cursing my own ministry? What is wrong with me that I cannot just be happy with a great ministry, loving husband and three wonderful children – why do I have such a compelling need to just be me? am I crazy?
Signed,
Desperatley seeking answers…..
November 1st, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I have to add just one more piece to this – the other woman I am quite sure has not intention of leaving her marriage – and I don’t expect her too. I have finally realized that even if she were not part of this it would not change who I am – my attraction would stillbe to women.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Nan–> I can’t imagine there’s such a specific cruise available however I believe Olivia occasionally provides cruises for lesbian couples and Rosie has her family cruises. I would think either of those would be a great place to start. I should think that many cruise lines that cover certain parts of the world such as Greece would be quite gay-friendly despite having a mixed guest list.
January 18th, 2010 at 2:09 am
I am in a similar situation to the one Shar described: married for 16 years, two children (6 and 12), very involved in church (we’re in the mission field). The difference is that I have only recently found myself attracted to a woman, but it has felt so completely natural that I am not struggling with the idea that I might be lesbian so much as how to proceed from here. My marriage just reached a crisis point — I will spare you all the gory details — but my faith is still quite strong. I have been open with several friends about my attraction to another woman and no one is judging me (thank God!), but instead giving me love and support. Still, with two children at home, I am struggling to know what to do next. I’m so grateful for finding this site — I need all the help I can get.
December 4th, 2010 at 12:06 am
I am involved in the very same situation that you have just described. Thank you for this post which has really left me comforted. It has been hard being me. I am finding problems walking spiritually with God as I always feel that I am guilty of this. My partner is irritated with the fact that being a Christian, I cannot be with her. She thinks that this is a matter of human rights and that I need to choose what to believe in. People in my church don’t know that I’m like that. They say that being lesbian is a great sin and that if I choose not to give it up, then I am not a child of God because I am not willing to sacrifice for Him. Till now, I still dont know how or what to decide. Please help.
December 12th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
This site and this piece in particular are so important. It’s so reassuring to find someone who is Christian (first and foremost) AND loves another woman. As a 17 year old, I find it so disappointing that there isn’t a more vocal Christian/gay community in the US– particularly for youths. Would anyone happen to know of any organizations which deal with Christianity/homosexuality in a way that is Biblically accurate? (I’m sick of hearing that the book of Ruth condones two women partnering for life)
May 31st, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Let me start off by saying that I am not GLBT, nor are any of my children or even my friends. I support GLBT wholeheartedly and I am a Christian. I think that your blog (what I have read thus far) is wonderful! I have some very close minded religious people in my family and it is frustrating to me. I don’t know how to get through to them! They support people being an EX-gay (How is this possible? Aren’t they just shaming them into lying to themselves and everyone else?) I guess I am confused at how a “Christian” can be so judgemental when the most important thing the Bible teaches us is to NOT judge others. I guess this was more a rant than anything.
July 10th, 2011 at 10:50 am
Why one can never find peace in rejecting their sexual orientation:
” when an individual feels that they must live a certain way to receive unconditional positive regard, and these expectations are not a true expression of their individuality, then psychological disturbance occurs. This psychological disturbance will continue for as long as the individual feels they must live in this way”.
Answer? Embrace truth. Experience gratitude in freedom. And go your own way. You will never feel comfortable walking in someone elses shoes so you might as well walk in your own.
September 11th, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Well said (or written, i suppose).. This post has helped me A LOT. I feel as if I’ve searched everywhere to find a view on this subject as honest, true and deep as the one you’ve created. Thank you.