What About the Ex-Gay Movement?
January 1, 2006
This is one of the first essays I prepared for christianlesbians.com back in 1997.
On my desk is a stack of papers, about a hundred and fifty sheets thick, containing the personal stories of more than 35 ‘ex-lesbians’ which I gathered from ‘ex-gay’ ministries such as Stonewall Revisited. The first time I read them was more than three years ago when I was struggling with my own sexuality. Because I knew homosexuality was sin I devoured each testimony, hoping they would provide me with the strength to flee, resist, or at the very least suppress my sexual orientation.
I’ve heard some in the gay community reject these testimonies by saying they’re written simply by those who are reacting to their own internalized homophobia by denying their sexuality. There are a few who discredit these stories so completely as to say there’s nothing of truth to them, as though there’s some bleary-eyed heterosexual fundamentalist hiding in a darkened room punching out story after story of homosexual deliverance at his computer keyboard, with only an occasional break to send off another check to Exodus International.
As a Christian I’m both moved and called to rejoice with those who have experienced the tranforming power of Christ, however God has sovereignly chosen to work that out in their individual lives. By their own words the women in these stories became involved in same-sex relationships, consciously or unconsciously, to meet some insatible longing and emptiness in their lives as a response to painful and dysfunctional life experiences. The very titles of their testimonies reflect this longing…The Search for Father’s Love, Crying Behind the Mask, My Search for Affirmation, and Yearning to be Loved. It’s important to realize that there are many lesbians, as there are straight women, who have experienced some of the same life circumstances as these women but have found healing in Christ while still remaining gay. Yet for these women same-sex relationships were a temporary and hollow solution to a deeper problem that needed God’s healing touch.
I believe it’s important that none of us, whether lesbian or ‘ex-lesbian’ discredit the work of God in someone else’s life simply because it seems to conflict with our own experience. There’s room for all of us to testify to God’s goodness in our lives without needing to nullify the miraculous working of God in another person’s life just because it’s different from our own. I have great peace in my life as a lesbian and know without question that my sexuality comes as no surprise to the One who created me. I absolutely believe I can honor and glorify God in my sexuality just as I am to do in all other aspects of my life that go into making me uniquely me and which I have submitted to God’s control. I would want others to rejoice along with me in what God has done and is doing in my life. At the same time I will stand and celebrate with these women who have experienced Christ in a deeper way through their journey and ‘exodus’ from same-sex relationships. How can I not give God praise for words such as these:
“God has done such a marvelous work in my life. As He released me from hatred, unforgiveness, and bitterness, my bondage to homosexuality was broken. He has given me true love and forgiveness toward my precious parents. How I thank Him for now I love them the way He always intended.”
“I took a big step and wrote my mother, explaining my painful memories, my anger and hurt feelings toward her, and my desire to become close as a mother and a daughter. The Lord is healing the breech and this is something for which I’m very grateful.”
“I continue to follow Jesus wholeheartedly and with great delight.”
“Through counseling, God began digging up the deeper roots of my lesbianism. I had to face the rejection, loneliness, self-hatred, and other hurts from my childhood. Sometimes I wondered if the pain would ever end But God was faithful, and my relationship with Him began to change. I became totally dependent on Him for my every need. Instead of seeing Him as an unfair and condemning God, I began to
experience Him as a loving Father who wants wholeness for me.”
“The smile on my face is genuine, reflecting the inner joy that God has given me.”
“I came to a greater awareness of how much God loves me and the mighty power that is available through Him.”
To me, the miracle in each of these stories isn’t that a woman no longer has same-sex affections and relationships but that each was healed from unforgiveness, bitterness, painful memories, anger, and self-hatred. They’ve grown in their understanding that God loves them, in the knowledge of their total dependence on God in all things, and in their desire to submit all of their life to God’s control. These are the same things I celebrate in the lives of many Christian lesbians. We might possibly have more in common than we dare to imagine.
Along with acknowledging the experiences of those who speak of receiving their healing through the help of ex-gay ministries I would dishonor the lives of thousands of gays and lesbians who became involved in these organizations in their attempt to change only to leave more damaged and shattered than when they had arrived were I to not acknowledge their experiences. While the statistics remain vague and virtually no reliable follow-up data is available, the recovery rate for those who participate in these ex-gay ministries seems by all accounts minimal at best. It remains my belief that while support should be given to those within the faith community who are suffering from deep spiritual and psychological wounds inflicted upon them in life, there’s no need for a ministry that’s primary objective is to change gays and lesbians into becoming heterosexual, were that even possible, because the simple reality is there is nothing to change but everything to celebrate!
For other thoughts on the topic of ‘ex-gays’ check out these articles in Whosoever.
Common Life Experiences as Provided in “Ex-Lesbian” Testimonies
- Gender rejection: expressed disappointed by parents over the desire for a son rather than a daughter, desire by child to be a boy rather than girl, ridiculed by peers for tomboy appearance
- Traumatic childhood events: terminal illness, accidental death or suicide of parent or sibling, long physical separations from parents
- Inappropriate family relationships: daughter fulfills the role of second wife to father, care giver to mother, etc.
- Sexual abuse or rape by male family member, acquaintance, or stranger
- Parental alcoholism and drug abuse
- Exposure to extensive pornography in the home
- Early and inappropriate sexual experimentation in adolescence
- Parental abuse: neglect, physical, verbal or sexual abuse
- Lack of physical and emotional boundaries within the birth family
- Witness to spousal abuse between father and mother
- Little or no expression of emotions allowed in family and limited expressions of physical affection from parents
- Constantly seeking approval of father through perceived ‘male-oriented’ activities
Reported Condition of Gay Life as Provided in “Ex-Lesbian” Testimonies
- Lack of any spirituality or personal faith
- Emotional dependency or co-dependency
- Alcoholism and/or drug abuse
- Fear, hatred, or jealousy of men
- Promiscous sexual activity
- Overwhelming need for sexual intimacy
- Unhealthy relationships
- Thoughts of suicide
- Abusive lesbian relationships
- Self-hatred
- General unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life
- Extreme loneliness and feelings of rejection
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Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Ex-Gay
March 4th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Your comments, while on the surface appear overly open and encompassing, are actually contributing to the “ex-gay” party line. The ONLY reason these women went into “therapy” was BECAUSE they are gay, not for any other reason. You see all the wonderful work of Christ here? You write “… each was healed from unforgiveness, bitterness, painful memories, anger, and self-hatred. They’ve grown in their understanding that God loves them…” All of this supposed healing is strictly related to their homosexuality. If that were not so, they wouldn’t have entered an “ex-gay” program, but rather a reputable, scientifically and possibly theologically sound program. Each item in the “healing” list might as well have “because of my homosexuality” typed right behind it. I am quite amazed and disturbed that you cannot or will not see this, and in this website designed to be a thoughtful, loving and truthful refuge, you encourage such hatred and ignorance. And therefore, your comments following how happy you are that these women are “ex-gays” really hold no water at all.
March 5th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Laura, I really want to be clear about a few things if in my writing I led to the possibility for other conclusions.
My original comments, as stated, were restricted to 35 stories I had read on an ex-gay website called “Stonewall Revisited,” an exclusively ex-gay resource. The stories were
Personal Stories category, Evangelical’s Concerned and Beyond Ex-Gay. I have friends and many close acquaintances who were prominent in leadership within ex-gay groups, and for everyone of those 35 stories I’ve heard 5 others that speak to the damaging nature of ex-gay ministries, to the tragedy of lives that were lost because of the internalized conflict to which such ministries contributed. I had hoped to be clear about my position when I said
But if a doubt remains let me say it clearly: I do not support ex-gay ministries. I do not agree with their understanding of homosexuality nor with their theological leanings. As a pastor, I would never refer anyone to an ex-gay ministry. And finally, I do not believe change from homosexuality is possible because I do not believe change is necessary.
As you said so well, throughout their stories there exists the implied message that being healed from self-destructive thinking and behaviors leads directly to freedom from homosexuality and conversely being healed from homosexuality leads to freedom from self-destructive thinking and behaviors. The message is clearly represented in these stories that a miserable life is inseparably linked to homosexuality which is certainly not the reality of my life or those GLBTQ people I know.
The dilemma for me Laura is this. These 35 women and men told their stories. Who am I to say I know their life and experience better than they do? Who am I to suggest they’re lying or in denial about the reality of their life? How can I make a blanket rejection as a stranger to the life experience of every man and woman who dares to serve as an argument to what I believe in the simple telling of their story? I mean, come on, how many times have we as Christian lesbians been told by strangers that they know the reality of our lives better than we do? We’re told we don’t really love God, that we’re obviously ignoring the truth, and that we’re deliberately twisting the truth to justify our lives. Complete strangers feel completely free to argue that we must have been physically or sexually abused as children, that we never really bonded with our mothers, that our relationships with our partners are based in lustful passions void of love, and that if we were really honest we’d have to admit we’re miserable with our lives. I’d dare say hundreds of people have written me over the years making such statements as though God has gifted them with some incredible gift of insight and discernment. My advice to them; don’t play your hunch at the horse track.
I strongly oppose ex-gay ministries. I’ve seen the wounded lives and know too well the tragic results of their misguided and erroneous theories and theologies but at the same time I don’t feel like I have the right or ability to negate the personal stories of others lives as they present them to us. I will oppose the erroneous scientific research, the misinterpretations of Scripture, and the generalizations of GLBTQ people, but I have to take each person’s story at their word because it’s their life and not mine. That’s another reason why it’s so important for us as GLBTQ people to tell our stories and live our lives as boldly as we can. Our lives will say far more than we could ever accomplish in rejecting the stories of others.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:31 am
I’m cheering sitting here reading this!!! Thank you Anita!!!
And this line, “don’t play your hunch at the horse track” is a keeper!
There is a lot I could say but I won’t as you’ve touched on it all and said it perfectly that I will simply shout an I AGREE and AMEN!!
May 26th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Here’s an “ex gay” story for you.
I was, at 21, in a very intimate relationship with another woman. We were told, and certainly believed, that our relationship was sinful, deviant, sick. We knew something was horribly wrong with us, because our church told us so. And when our church broke us up (with our consent, because we wanted to be well), we asked the other if one of us had been male, would this relationship have endured?
Immediately after we were separated (and put into different church elders’ homes), we were both entered into “ex gay” counselling. I’ve read all the books by Rentzel, Davies, Dallas, Consiglio, and because my father and I had a very strained relationship and my mom and I were close, fit nicely into the neo-Freudian (though gender twisted) story of my gay ‘illness’.
Accountability was the name of the game, and because I so desperately wanted to be spiritually well, I made myself accountable to my new church pastors as soon as I found a church home in my relocated home state (my old church sent me packing back to the town where my parents lived). Accountability meant I was carefully watched, as the dangerous volcano of sin that I must certainly have been. I believed I was a disease, unable to relate properly to men, unable to relate properly to women. So I erected careful boundaries about myself, never making myself vulnerable to anyone I might thereby taint by my wickedness.
How liberating! How full of the grace and freedom of God! How full of the peace that passes understanding!
The truth is, my dad had a problem with anger. But he never once laid a finger on me in any form of molestation. Strike one for that theory. My mom and I are close, but it was my dad who supported me as gay, not her. She freaked out. Strike two. I was never molested as a girl, never abused beyond that which practically any hyper-fundamentalist child might encounter, in fact was sheltered from much that I later learned my own cousins endured. I never did drugs. I never touched alcohol until I was around 25. I didn’t party, sleep around, or do anything on Friday nights except lead church youth group. You name the stereotype, and I probably don’t fit it.
The truth is, all the “ex gay” counselling I received ripped me to shreds, made me feel like I was corrupted beyond repair (because here it was, 20 years later, and I was still attracted to women—celibate, sure, but attracted nonetheless). I had lost all hope, and had entered a very deep depression.
You shall know the truth, Jesus said, and the truth shall set you free. Well, if this was the truth, I was anything but. It was only when I finally came to terms with the fact that it wasn’t some horrible sinfulness or evil in me that made me gay that I found peace. When I accepted that GOD made me gay, and that it therefore couldn’t be the atrocity I was counselled to believe it was, that I found freedom.
Anita, you are so right that people have their own stories, and we don’t have justification to take that from them. However, in my field (philosophy) we note that sample size is all-important in making generalizations, and that said generalizations are only justified when made based on probability, not certainty. But the “ex gay” argument is that the probability, given one’s gay orientation, is 1 (i.e., absolute certainty) that they had some sort of abuse (listed on the counsellor’s handy neo-Freudian chart) in their background that worked as a one-on-one function (again, absolute certainty), causing this deviant orientation. But such certainty is unwarranted, even in the most abstract of logical inferences.
The best argument, then, should be that there is some possibility that in some cases such causes might be involved. Not a very strong claim, but at least honest, and certainly something that would then leave people like me some option, years earlier, to seek out true spiritual health in those areas where I actually did need it, instead of embracing the carefully-manipulated stereotypes as accurately describing me.
May 27th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Anita, thank you for your response to my comment above, and also for your wonderful response to my comments and questions re: Dr Lewis Smedes in another section on this blog. Both are much appreciated.
I have been thinking a lot, and re-reading, about your words here, and I think where it feels incredibly uncomfortable to me is where you state (in your original post), “At the same time I will stand and celebrate with these women who have experienced Christ in a deeper way through their journey and ‘exodus’ from same-sex relationships.”
While I understand what you explained in your response to my reply, in this statement alone, your entire message seems contradictory. Also, your inclusion of a good many quotes as well as the list of “common life experiences” of “ex-lesbians” seem to almost imply that you are validating not their healing from real negative experiences, and their closeness to Christ, but rather their focus on homosexuality and that THAT was the problem. I know in your response to me you clarified with, “As you said so well, throughout their stories there exists the implied message that being healed from self-destructive thinking and behaviors leads directly to freedom from homosexuality and conversely being healed from homosexuality leads to freedom from self-destructive thinking and behaviors. The message is clearly represented in these stories that a miserable life is inseparably linked to homosexuality which is certainly not the reality of my life or those GLBTQ people I know.” and yet your statement to “… celebrate with these women…through their journey and ‘exodus’ from same-sex relationships.” is still there - glaring, confusing and contradicting.
I know you prepared this essay back in 1997, so I wonder if it might be time (given the years that have passed, and your own experiences, and those of friends and sister-friends), to revise it a bit. I’m certainly not suggesting deleting, but perhaps the essay appearing here could better represent what you’ve needed to clarify (as well as all the wonderful thoughts in your current posts that I read almost on a daily basis), as a revised essay, or an essay “based on…” What do you think?
May 27th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Laura –> You’re still here! I hadn’t heard anything from you after your initial comments and so I’m really glad to know you’re still around! I took seriously what you wrote the first time and ever since then I’ve continued to think about the issue of ex-gay ministries, my original entry, and more than ten years of hearing stories from those who went through ex-gay ministries.
The result of the passing of years and what I’ve learned doesn’t necessarily lead me to disavow anything I wrote in the original piece but certainly I need to clarify much I said that I assumed would be understood within context. The problem for me Laura is I can’t deny what someone else says is their experience. When a woman says she’s “ex-lesbian”, no matter what I think, I have no place to say “No you’re not.” When someone says “God healed me from homosexuality” though I don’t believe homosexuality is something in need of healing, I feel uncomfortable denying their testimony. I’m simply unable to reject what they believe to be their reality even if I don’t believe it because if I did how would I be any different from those who reject the truth of what we share about our own lives? It’s a conflict for me Laura that I struggle with trying to negotiate around.
At the same time, I can affirm wholeheartedly the stories of countless gays and lesbians who live whole and happy lives, whose life stories are a thousand miles from the “common life experiences” that represent the small number of stories held up by ex-gay ministries erroneously as common to all gay and lesbian people. I can bear witness to those who’ve been emotionally damaged and spiritually abused by ex-gay ministries.
Yes. I intend to address this topic again in the near future. In fact, I was just speaking with Bon about it yesterday. Perhaps the main difference is the next time I need to spend less time focusing on the few stories of those who “claim healing from homosexuality” and more time on the lives of those who have been “healed from ex-gay ministries” and the lives of the overwhelming number of us who need no healing from the lives in which we’ve been blessed.
I already have Bon’s permission to post some of what she shared above in a new post and I’d appreciate including some excerpts of yours as well. I’ll also be sure to include links to several other resources that tell a very different story of ex-gay ministries.
I really appreciate you hanging in with this Laura and for all your feedback and wisdom that contributes so much to the bigger conversation.
May 29th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Thanks for your thoughts, Anita, they’re much appreciated. And thank YOU for hanging in with this too!
I do understand, and for the most part agree, with what you’ve said. What I think feels contradictory is not so much what you’ve said, but how you’ve said it. Here’s what I see as mutually exclusive:
“I will stand and celebrate with these women who have experienced Christ in a deeper way through their journey and ‘exodus’ from same-sex relationships.”
AND
“To me, the miracle in each of these stories isn’t that a woman no longer has same-sex affections and relationships but that each was healed from unforgiveness, bitterness, painful memories, anger, and self-hatred.”
Just so I’m clear: I am not directly addressing the women’s stories and self-perception, but rather your RESPONSES to them. I understand about taking an individual’s testimony at face value, even if I disagree.
What’s been really bothering me is that on one hand you say (in the initial piece) that you’re celebrating them as an “ex-gay”, but on the other hand you say what the miracle really is, is that a woman was healed from bitterness, unforgiveness, self-hatred, etc, and NOT that she no longer has same-sex attractions. So, why wouldn’t you simply just say THAT, since that seems to be the core of your thoughts in what I’m reading. Why say you’re happy she’s an “ex-gay” when your writing says you’re just happy she’s healed from these other external problems?
I don’t see rewording it as denying any of these women’s experiences, but rather celebrating what it is we’re really happy about (i.e. healing from unforgiveness, bitterness, painful memories, anger, and self-hatred), while remaining true to your/our own thoughts, beliefs and experiences on the matter. To me, this seems more honest, since in everything else I’ve read here, you’re very clear on where you stand on the subject.
***
Of course you may include any writing of mine you like - thanks for asking!
May 29th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Laura –> Okay! I think I finally get it! Dang girl, you’re persistent for which I’m genuinely grateful. If I understand what you’re saying and now that I think I do it makes perfect sense, is that in affirming their stories I used their language to describe their experience which implies that I’m affirming the idea that same-sex attractions was the thing to be healed rather than the painful events or residue that those events created in their lives. I see now how my choice of language could sound contradictory and communicate something I didn’t intend. The power of language. This is all very helpful to me Laura and along with writing new material on this whole topic, I will be revising this article in the near future because now that I realize how it could sound, to your credit, I don’t want to leave someone with a confusing message, particularly if they’re standing on the edge or in the middle of participating in an ex-gay ministry.
May 29th, 2008 at 9:37 am
YES! Thank you Anita!
May 29th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Thank you both for your comments here.. I’ve enjoyed reading them and well, ya made me think and I like that.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Thanks for both of you writting back and forth with your ideas. It helped me some to understand about the ex-gay ministries and who I really am.
September 30th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
I so appreciate the spirit and Christianity in this discussion.
I’ll be upfront, I am an “ex-lesbian”. I have never supported “restorative” ministry because from my limited knowledge of it, it has always seemed far more harmful than healing. Nor did I ever seek counseling to “fix” my lesbian identity. I do not place blame on events or people for creating an “illness” in me. I don’t believe that my lesbianism reflected a deficiency of character or lack of willpower when tempted. In fact, my departure from lesbian relationships wasn’t SOUGHT out at all.
As someone from “the other side” I would like to add a dimension that I did not see addressed here. First I would like to say however that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a topical powerhouse on the subject, I can only share my thoughts and experiences. Second, I have to clarify that my comments here are derived SOLELY from my own thoughts and experiences and that I cannot and will not try and speak for anyone else.
I don’t consider myself “healed” of any immoral attitudes, actions or depravaties. Forgiven? Yes, as are all who believe in the lordship of Christ. I came to believe in a God of grace, who has a desire to use those He seeks out as believers for His divine purposes. He created us to enjoy relationship with Him. I am secure in my belief that God gave us relationship with each other in order to love others as He loves us. My thought is, if God loved me and sought me out when so many Christians did not, who am I to not love someone who’s theology differs from mine?
I am also very secure in my belief that lesbian relationships are not for me. I’m less certain that homosexuality is strictly prohibited in Biblical terms, although I do question it in that if I am to be a Christian I should not interpret scripture for myself but I am called to prove it’s truth through study and examination of it’s contents and contexts. Because of that, my very personal revelation was that God created man to be in relationship with Him, and while he created gendered animals, he only created one sex of human. He wasn’t pleased with that and created a complementary gender to be in relationship with the man. Without original sin would there be same-sex attraction and intimate relationship? I honestly don’t have a clue about that, but I do know that for me, I didn’t feel pressure from my family (although their reactions to my lesbian relationships ranged from indifferent to maniacally opposed) to “change”, I didn’t feel career pressure to become “heterosexual” (I work in a field which seems to attract a larger percentage of homosexuals than others I’m aware of); nor did I feel inherently flawed - as I saw mentioned in an earlier response I didn’t feel that my sexual identity made me a potential tenderbox of sin to others. What I did feel, and what I continue to feel, is that I was in the wrong place for me. In many ways, one of which was the relationships I’d been in.
I stand with Anita in saying that I celebrate along with anyone, regardless of their “sin”, whose life is enriched and blessed by the presence of Christ. I don’t feel that a Christian is less affirmed in their confession of Christ than another because their theology doesn’t match mine. I don’t feel that it’s my responsibility to do anything other than share lovingly (and largely only when asked) that I haven’t been able to reconcile my Christian beliefs with lesbian relationships. That does not in any way give me reign or calling to declare anyone in a homosexual relationship incapable of accepting Christ. As Christians with individual relationships with the Trinity I leave a persons callings (relational, vocational, recreational etc. between themselves and God). I have a hard time knowing that so many people I know who are gay or lesbian have been persecuted in the name of Christ. It’s my utmost belief that He never condones or endorses persecution.
I hope that I’ve been able to aptly convey my recognition that because my relationship with Christ doesn’t leave room for me to have lesbian relationships that I do not, will not and don’t believe that relationship to be representative of anyone else’s relationship with Him. It is my sincere wish as well to express again my great appreciation for this conversation, late as I may be in participating.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:56 am
Gina Thank you for your insightful honest post here. I am glad you felt welcomed here to be able to share your experiences although they are different than many of us. I’m also very thankful that God is big enough of all who call upon Him. I am happy to call you my sister in Christ.
October 1st, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Gina, Every walk with God is different and unique to the person walking along his side. And you are right, no one relationship is representative of all relationships. Thanks you so very much for sharing your thoughts and ideas with us. The more we converse, the more we understand. The more we understand, the less we fear. The less we fear, the less we hate. The less we hate, the more we Love as Christ taught us. Thanks again.
October 1st, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Gina–> I’m so very glad you felt comfortable posting here and I gained so much from your story and how you chose to so honestly and graciously share what has been the path for you. I can add little to what Eliz and Kelly already said other than to add an Amen to their words equally with yours. May you continue to be led and strengthened by Christ’s Spirit who unites us all.