What If I’m Wrong?
October 16, 2008
I want to believe what you’re saying. I want to believe being gay isn’t a sin. I want to believe that Sodom, Leviticus, and Romans have nothing to do with me. I want to believe God loves me just as I am, and there are times when I feel real peace around it all, when the things you and other gay Christians say make sense, and for a while I believe God accepts me as his gay daughter…but then I wonder, what if you’re wrong? Anita, what if you’re wrong?
I’ve been asked that question more than a few times and I was reminded of it again today in a comment by Everest to my Romans One post.
I’m definitely struggling with all of this. I’ve seen a lot how people misuse or misinterpret the Bible, but that only makes me more weary as I read your posts. A lot of it seems to make sense, but I can’t help but ask the question – what if she is wrong just like others have been?
While I replied to Everest on the original post, I reserved my answer to this question for here. So many have asked the question I wanted to put it out there in it’s own blog post rather than hidden in a comment section to an older one. This answer is for Everest and for everyone who has ever asked me, “But Anita, what if you’re wrong?” Even with out writing a word I can already warn you this is going to be a long one. Don’t forget to shift your position every few paragraphs so you don’t stiffen up and blame me for the pain in your backside.
Everest, you have every reason and right to ask the question and let me assure you that before you ever asked I had to answer it for myself a long time ago. If anyone has taken anything from my writing I hope it would be this; I believe with the deepest conviction of my heart everything I share with others about being gay and Christian. I speak boldly because I’m confident in what I believe. This assurance I have comes from a combination of things: my understanding of Scriptures and the nature and character of God, my ongoing personal relationship with God, the life and teachings of Jesus, what I know about the diversity and fluidity of human sexuality, what I’ve experienced as truth in my own life, and what I’ve witnessed in the lives and stories of other GLBTQ Christians. This all combines to leave me believing that sexual orientation has nothing to do with a person’s worth in the world or before the eyes of God, and that God affirms the lives, relationships and gifts of GLBTQ people equally with those of their straight brothers and sisters.
Having said all that, my faith (noun) is formed on the action of faith and for that reason what I believe can’t be stated with absolute certitude but is always shaded with mystery and hope. It would be both arrogant and ignorant of me to say that I know without question the mind and heart of God in this beyond all shadow of a doubt. That would only be possible if God appeared to me and spoke in an audible voice confirming my beliefs but God hasn’t done that with me anymore than God has appeared before those who condemn homosexuality to give them a thumbs up or thumbs down. While they might argue God has spoken clearly about homosexuality in the Bible, the actual truth of it all is the Bible doesn’t speak. The Bible consists of words written on paper and in reading those words we earnestly seek for and find meaning and in doing so we don’t all arrive at the same conclusions; not on creation, baptism, the trinity, heaven and hell, and sure as not on homosexuality. So while everything in me believes and all that I’ve witnessed has assured me that being gay isn’t a sin before God in my life it would be disingenuous of me to say there’s no possibility I could be missing it somewhere in all this. For that reason your question is important. What if I’m wrong?
If at the end of my life God revealed to me that being gay was sin, that my sexual attraction was abhorrent, that my relationship with my beloved was a defilement, and that my words and witness had led people into the same sin, I’d fall on my face before God in repentance and remorse, and it wouldn’t be fear at the heart of my anguish but over having failed to please the One I loved above all others and sorrow at having not represented God in truth. That’s what I would do but what would God do? What I believe is that the God of love and grace known through Jesus would know my heart had always been to serve and follow Him despite my failings and would extend mercy and compassion to me as He would to all. [I reserve discussions of hell for another day].
But Everest, I don’t believe I’m wrong. There’s been nothing in the past twelve years, nothing in this day in which I’m writing to you that makes me doubt who I am and what I am in Christ. Not a moment of doubt. Not a question of uncertainty. If I had any such doubt this blog would not be here.
Let me offer you another question, one that has been the bigger question for me all along and that I invite you to consider for yourself. What if I and all those other GLBTQ Christians and gay-affirming straight believers are right?
What if being gay isn’t a sin and it just so happens that God made human sexuality with as much diversity as is in the rest of creation? What if being gay is fully acceptable to God and yet I invest my life into doing everything possible to change from being gay into being straight which God never intended for me? What if I based my life on listening to what others believed rather than listening to God’s Spirit within me? And more than any of this, what if I am right and I remained silent? Everest, I would rather risk being accountable for having been wrong and influenced others to follow me in the same error than to have been right and said nothing; to have remained silent about the goodness and faithfulness of God in my life as a queer Christian, to have never talked to others about the unconditional love and immeasurable grace of God that extends to everyone without exception, and to have never offered a glimmer of hope to someone who dared to believe God no longer loved them because of the rejection and judgment imposed on them by the church.
I don’t say this lightly but I tell you I would rather stand before God and hear God say “You were wrong and should have kept your mouth shut!” than to hear God say “You were right but you never spoke up for me!”
So what if I’m wrong?
I don’t believe I am Everest and so I have to continue to share what it is that I do believe because sharing my faith in Christ means everything to me. It sounds like it means everything to you too.
Posted in Email Outtakes
October 16th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Everest I want to congratulate you for not simply believing what Anita says. Several years I found Anita’s old site through a google search when I was suicidal over the whole question of is it possible to be a Christian and a lesbian. It was after returning from a Sunday morning church service where I heard that I was headed straight for hell because God hates homosexuals.
Everest, how did you come to believe that being gay was a sin? Someone in a church some where probably told you so. To me it is obvious that you question that statement or you wouldn’t have been googling for a different answer. Suppose those people who told you that homosexuality is a sin are wrong. Suppose Anita is wrong too. I wasn’t totally convinced by her site right away either. I wondered if she was rewriting scripture to make it say what she wanted it say. No doubt millions of people have done that in the course of history. The final authority is of course, your Father God. Now that your mind is open to the possibility that you might not be condemned by God for being gay, I challenge you to ask Him and keep asking until you get an answer. You will get an answer if you allow Him to speak to you. As for your erratic behavior, if you feel that you are damned anyway, it is easier to do what you please. Once you hear God tell you that you are His, it will be much easier to leave stuff that you really already know to be sin behind.
Because you posted here, I can tell you with complete certainty that a 16 old boy has been added to many prayer lists. We will be asking God to speak to you in such a way that you cannot fail to recognize His Voice and that He sends people to you that minister to you and can counsel you in person regarding all aspects in your life where you feel confused or in need of guidance. You are loved Everest and God isn’t the only one who loves you.
Your big sister,
DL
October 17th, 2008 at 6:21 am
I think this is always the question in some people’s minds. And this happened with me again last night. My sister and I were watching Grey’s Anatomy and this episode included two women who were considering dating. Well my sister had negative comments about this throughout the entire show. This made me realize that it is no wonder I have had such a hard time discovering myself, but then self doubt immediately overcame me. But, the real question is what if we are right and we don’t say anything.
October 17th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Anita- Fantastic, as usual.
Everest- I asked myself those same questions. I walked around very angry because I didn’t know the right answers. EVERYONE has their opinions, their beliefs and the more I listened to them, the more confused I would get. Somedays, it took all I could do to just “be”. The uncertainly consumed me.
I could hear the voices of family, friends, pastors, tv, radio, authors, websites, blogs, telling me that being gay WASN’T wrong, but it seemed like the voices of uncertainty and condemnation from the same list of people and places were even louder than those that were affirming. Because I looked to everyone else for the answers, I was always finding myself back at square one with no answers and no peace, just a whole mess of confustion and anxiety. I made myself crazy with it all and find myself lonely with only “what if’s”.
I needed more than just what others said, I needed to hear directly from God and finally I decided I wasn’t going to settle for anything less.
I found that I had to go into the wildreness with God and wrestle. I had to wrestle this out with God and God alone. I got my answers directly from God, within my spirit.
I know everyone and everyone’s journey is different, but I believe God will give YOU the answers in a way that YOU will receive with complete peace. With a willing heart, give your sexuality to God and see what God gives you back. Within time your answers will come, keep believing in this.
I’m with Dragonlady, I too challenge you to ask God and keep asking until you get an answer.
I hope there has been some encouragement in our words, peace to you brother.
October 17th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Anita,
This is a beautiful post. I love to discuss theology and ponder life’s ‘what ifs’. However, my faith embraces the mystery of it all and centers on loving God and loving others. Also, thank you for speaking to implications of doing or saying nothing. The church universal is more complete when we all participate.
Stephq
October 20th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I think I still occasionally ask this question, but I believe it has more to do with what Stephanie noted “it seemed like the voices of uncertainty and condemnation from the same list of people and places were even louder than those that were affirming.” Why is is that I have had this filter to believe the negative over the positive? The first glimpse I had into believing the positive view of being a Christian lesbian was when Anita issued us the “challenge” (to see my queer orientation as a God’s design for God’s purposes–I believe that was the gist). Most days I still choose to believe that truth. I live a more authentic life when I choose to live as if God has made me and loves me just as I am. I do remember these days though as DragonLady noted “if you feel that you are damned anyway, it is easier to do what you please. Once you hear God tell you that you are His, it will be much easier to leave stuff that you really already know to be sin behind.” So true! To know all of this, to dare to believe all of this… fills each day with hope!
October 21st, 2008 at 12:44 pm
All I can say is wonderful and timely, thanks
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:13 am
[...] is more to the question but Anita’s response was great and one part that stands out to me is: I don’t say this lightly but I tell you I would [...]
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:52 am
Thank you Anita. I have been a long time lurker and now I will finally comment. I come to this blog when I need a little reassuring…ok, when I need a lot of reassuring. I am in a constant quandary over all of this and simultaneously taking baby steps towards embracing my lesbian sexuality. Reconciling this with my faith and my community is causing incredible distress to my soul. However, when I think of just trying to hide and pretend like I have been doing for so many years, the thought of that is more distressing than coming out. It is time to be authentic and live life integrating all these parts of me. But this process is oh so painful. Anita, your wrods, insights, wisdom and grace help. So thank you for what you do and be encouraged that you are a gift to so many who may never meet you. Blessings on you. I need to get back to my closet now, but I will peek out again soon.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:03 pm
[...] If I (and a whole lot of other people) Am Wrong? I read this article a few days ago on Sisterfriends Together. I totally understood what she is saying – this message [...]
October 26th, 2008 at 2:55 am
IT IS NOT A SIN!
How can I say that with confidence? Because Jesus took the Law and nailed it to the Tree! Jesus destroyed sin and the law that held sin against mankind. The Law in effect made being a human being a sin!
And Sin was not a act but a condition that was imputed to ALL of mankind by the act of disobedience or unbelief by ONE MAN (Adam) without mankind’s acceptance. In the same way Righteousness has been imputed to ALL of mankind because of the act (Calvary) of ONE MAN (Jesus). As in Adam ALL OF MANKIND was guilty before God not because of an action on their part but because of the action of Adam. So ALL OF MANKIND is now RIGHTEOUS and HOLY before God not because they or we have accepted Jesus but because of His (Jesus) ONE ACT OF OBEDIENCE. He really is the Author (beginner) of Faith and the Finisher (the end of the requirement for faith) of Faith.
Again ONE MAN took ALL into SIN and ONE MAN took ALL into RIGHTEOUSNESS!
Now that is the GOOD NEWS!
Thank you for letting me post a comment on your blog.
Also we invite you to visit our blog at http://www.boldgrace.com
Peace
Geo
October 26th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Geo–> Yeh, what Geo said! You and I are on the same page Geo so you can understand how difficult it is for me to even pose such a question, because it’s flawed from the outset. The reason I pose it and address it as I did is because so many GLBTQ Christians struggle with this very question internally since so many are presently or have been grounded in conservative Christianity which offers such a limited vision of the grace of God and what fully unfolded on the cross. And your blog, Boldgrace, is already among the top of my RSS feeds!
November 7th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Thanx…
again.
You create a sound that I haven’t heared (yet… not ‘been around’ that long) in Holland.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:16 am
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
On about the lowest day yet, you’ve filled me with hope and smiles and reminded me of who I am in God and I am ready to soar again with Her/Him.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Anita – I hope one day to be able to stand as confidently and speak the truth to women everywhere. As a pastor I fianlly confided in the first women in my congregation that had come to the conclusion that I would rather err on the side of love than on the side of judgment when it comes tothe subject of homosexuality. I don’t understand it all but this site has been an answer to prayer I didn’t expect.
After much frustration and anger with God for having to keep this a big secret and needing so badly to discuss it from a solid, sincere Christain point of view I challenged Him to make it that ‘discussion’ happen within the next 3 days – He did – through this site. For once, after months of searching I have found sincere faith from people who understand – thank you so much – and thankyou God so much!
Now my prayer is to help others so that we need not be ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Blessings to you all!