What Would You Say?
August 10, 2010
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Okay. Here I am. Back in the blog saddle and continuing where I left off. And where I left off was posting larger versions of the images above with the promise I’d be following them up the next day with a post and perhaps in some augmented time continuum this actually is the next day rather than the next week. Let’s go with that and continue where we left off yesterday.
One thought kept running through my head on the tearful drive home from having come out to my parents some 15 years ago. “I want a do-over I want a do-over I want a do-over.” It wasn’t for lack of planning I wanted a do-over since I’d been praying, pondering, planning, and practicing what I would say to my parents for weeks and when I walked into their house that morning, short of presenting them with glossy color handouts and a bullet-point outline flashed on the family room wall with an overhead projector, I was ready.
The plan was to begin with a direct statement. “There’s something I need to tell you. I’ve come to realize I’m gay.” From there I’d go on to explain the process I’d been through to reconcile my faith and sexuality. I’d recount highlights from some of the conversations I’d had with affirming straight clergy and gay Christians. I’d go on to explain how through prayer and study of the Scriptures I’d arrived at a new understanding of the passages I’d previously viewed as condemning of homosexuality. Finally, I’d wrap up my coming out presentation with what I considered the central theme of the morning; that being that my relationship with God continued to be the foundation of my life, that I loved them as always, and that I remained the same daughter they had always known and loved.
That was my plan and in theory it sounded feasible enough but in reality, not so much. It all pretty much panned out as the illustrations above suggest with none of us really hearing what the other was saying and none of us really saying what we truly meant to say. I babbled. They winced. I rambled. They stared. Like deer staring down headlights approaching at 80 miles an hour on a narrow mountain road. I’ve relived that morning a thousand times and though I know my parents and I did the best we could at the moment, I still can’t help but long at times for a world where you could wind back the clock, wipe out the past, and begin all over again.
Dad and I never really talked about that day again and in time the two of us arrived at an unspoken agreement that we’d let the elephant in the pink toto do the macarena while we settled with knowing that however wide the gap was between us, he was my father, I was his daughter, we loved each other, and nothing would ever change that.
It was a different story with Mom. From the day I’d come out to her I’d wanted little more than to talk to her and know I was really being heard by her and as time went along I came to understand my mom was longing for the same thing on her side of things.
For years I playfully teased Mom about her overuse of the gas and brake pedals when driving. Each time she’d catch a glimpse of a red light ahead I’d begin jerking back and forth in the passenger seat while chanting “Gas. Brake. Gas. Brake. Gas. Brake.” Our early conversations were much the same. Talk. Stop. Talk. Stop. Talk. Stop. In those early months following my coming out we each tested the waters now and then, awkwardly and tenuously sharing a little bit of what we were thinking and feeling but then backing up the moment we saw any expression cross the others face that so much as hinted an argument or rebuttal might be close at hand, but in time we came to a place in our relationship as mother and daughter that we really listened to each other and heard what was being said. Maybe it was nothing more than the settledness that the passing of years brings or maybe it was nothing more or less than love, that finally allowed us to listen to each other and be heard by each other without the need to refute, defend, or protect ourselves from some imagined assault on our lives or our beliefs. For all our listening neither of us did much changing in our views and our convictions but that was never the point anyway. It was just about loving and respecting each other enough to really listen and try to understand what was held in the heart of the other, and in that, mission accomplished.
That’s my story. I don’t know what yours is. Maybe you have loved ones in your life who have really listened and heard you or maybe you’ve been silenced and shut down at every attempt. Whatever the case, I’d like to throw out the following question for you to consider and then respond to in the comment section: What would you tell them (parent, friend, pastor, spouse) if they could really listen? What would be the one thing you would want them to know and understand about your life, your relationship with your partner, your faith, about being gay, about homosexuality, or about anything that matters to you as a GLBTQ Christian? Imagine the person in your life you most want to understand just walked through your door and said, “I have nothing to say. I will not argue. I will not lecture. I will not go on the offense. I’m only here to listen. I want to understand because I love you. Talk to me.” There they are, sitting quietly in front of you, the posture of their body and the expression on their face communicating nothing but warmth, openness and love. What would be the first thing you would say? What would you tell them? What words would you want them to remember when all the words you’ve been holding onto for so long had spilled out?
I’m hoping that a number of you give some consideration to this question and then share your response below in the comment section (remember you can contribute anonymously!) What I’d then like to do is take your contributions and create a series of posts that would essentially be directed to the parents, adult children, spouses, and friends of GLBTQ Christians who I know are following this blog because they’ve written to say, “We’re here! We’re not queer! Get use to it!” My hope for providing such a series is twofold: 1) That straight loved ones of some other queer could gain insight and understanding from what we would share and 2) That those of you who have yet to be heard by your loved ones, would know you’ve been heard by some other queer’s parents, children, spouse, or friends and in that you might grab a little healing for yourself.
With that, let the conversation commence!
Posted in Coming Out, Perspectives
Sweet Hope Cookies
August 10th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
I guess I would tell my parents that I knew something was up at the young age of five or six. I say this because I think my mom tries to blame my “gayness” on my sexual abuse which started after the age of 5. Or she blames herself for bad parenting. I think if she could get over this guilt, she might actually accept me.
August 10th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
the person in your life you most want to understand just walked through your door and said, “I have nothing to say. I will not argue. I will not lecture. I will not go on the offense. I’m only here to listen. I want to understand because I love you. Talk to me.”
Me: Well, as you have probably heard from others, I am a lesbian. I am at peace with this. I am not ashamed of this. I was not sexually abused or emotionally neglected as a child. I am not going through a mid-life crisis. I follow the example and teachings of Jesus to love all and stand up for the oppressed and marginalized and that is why I am involved with changing our denominations stance on homosexuality. I feel that He has called me to this particular ministry and yes, I often do not like this “calling”. Oh by the way, I know that it was “a God-thing” that brought me to meeting and falling in love with ________.
Her (my conservative Christian friend) this is what I would hope she would say: Wow! I have never heard these words before, I want to think about and pray about what you have shared and I want to speak with you again.
August 10th, 2010 at 5:56 pm
To those who I’ve known and loved for years and vice versa but for whom listening [on both sides] has been difficult if not impossible up to now, I’d say:
Dear [xxxx]
First of all I want to say how much I love you and that I value who you are and who you’ve been in my life. If I’d been sitting where you are just a few years ago I’d probably have a hard time hearing what I’m about to say, but hopefully I’d at least try to listen with an open heart. I ask that from you because I know the person you are.
The most important path we’re on in life is to know God’s love and return it, both to ourselves and to others. The path I’m on relationally with [my partner] is one that has led me closer to God’s love and closer to the kind of person I want to be. I’ve realized about myself that I’ve always loved women and want to share my life with a woman. That this is true of me is as true as anything else I’ve known in life. It simply is. I’m the same person you’ve always known and always will be, except that hopefully like you, I’m growing and changing to become more like Christ every day.
I don’t expect you to understand this necessarily, but I know you know me, you love me, and hopefully you trust my relationship with Christ enough to walk with me through this. I love you as always and want to listen to you as well.
Yours,
Lisa
August 10th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Good grief, uhmmmmmm this is not an easy one to reply to. Several factors first off. Considering my mother is not open minded on this subject and thinks that all gay are mentally sick, My first response if she was to come and say she was listening and so on would be total dumbfounded. After the initial shock I would want to tell her that my views of her are no different and whatever she believes I am still me. That I am gay, that I am still the same person I was and will continue to be. Now in reality this will never happen. The first thing she would do is verbally attack Bird with a vengeance, (though we are no longer together) then she would be preaching to me and then she would call her son and she would cry and on and on the drama would go.
August 11th, 2010 at 5:37 am
I think the one thing I would want my loved one to hear, understand, and accept is that my sexuality is not a choice.
Coming to a place of understanding that sexual orientation is an innate characteriestic, not a choice (and therefore not a sin) is the biggest stumbling block for most Christian heterosexuals.
August 11th, 2010 at 8:48 am
The person I want most in the world to hear me is my mom. I would say to her:
“Mom, I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I want to share with you that I love women. I love women much more than I love men. I want to spend my life with a woman. I am gay. But most importantly mom, me being gay, and me sharing this information with you does not mean that I don’t love you or that I love you any less. It does not mean I am rejecting you, God, my family, my upbringing, and my culture. It does not mean you have failed as my mother. In fact it means that I love you more, because I want to share a very important part of myself with you, so we can be closer. All I want from you is to listen and hear me. That’s all. I don’t expect your understanding, approval or acceptance. You are allowed to disagree, be upset, be angry, confused, or hurt. That is ok. I still love you. And I hope that one day, even if it is not today, you will still be able to love me.”
Maybe one day I will be able to say these words to her. I pray so.
August 11th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Wannadivanow said: ” I don’t expect your understanding, approval or acceptance. You are allowed to disagree, be upset, be angry, confused, or hurt. That is ok. I still love you. And I hope that one day, even if it is not today, you will still be able to love me.”
If we are discussing what would be said to a loved one who approached us with an open attitude (“I want to understand because I love you. Talk to me.”) I would sincerely hope that the conversation could move beyond the stance of:
1) this is who I am
2) I don’t expect you to accept it
Christ teaches us to love unconditionally. Unconditional love means accepting others for who they are regardless of your understanding or approval.
Given that this situation is likely to be an extremely rare occurance, I would certainly make the most of it. If my loved one were honestly open to listen and understand what I had to say, I would jump at the chance to encourage them to open their eyes to the misinterpretation of scriptures that have condemned LGBT Christians for much too long. I would communicate to them my desire that they challenge their beliefs and seek a deeper understanding of the “clobber passages”. I would let them know how thankful I was that they were seeking a deeper understanding, and my desire that God would help them down the long road of acceptance.
August 11th, 2010 at 8:00 pm
Wow. I’m going to let everyone’s comment stand without me commenting on them for the time being but I’m blown away by the thoughtfulness everyone has been putting into your contributions. As Caremin mentioned though, I want to remind you to think outside of what may or may not be your reality where the person you most would want to understand is resistant or argumentative to anything you have to say. Instead, imagine they are completely open to hearing you, just as I posed in the original post. There’s no hostility, tension, or past history in coming out to them. Just speak from your heart and share one thing you would want them to understand about any aspect of your life or about being gay or homosexuality in general.
What I intend to do is let comments continue to gather for a little while and then I’m going to focus on one piece at a time in a series that begins with your words and rounding it out with a few thoughts of my own….if I have any that is
August 11th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
To my husband,
First and foremost I want to say – I’m sorry. I never intended to hurt you and I can see how much it hurts for you to know me this way. I always knew something wasn’t quite normal about me but I never expected it to be something I couldn’t ‘fix’. I really believed with enough love and enough trust that I would change and become the wife you deserved. Noone could have been more surprised than me when I fell in love with another woman and I struggled with it too. I cried and I prayed, I wrestled this into the ground and finally when I cried out to God – why can’t you fix me? He said, because you’re a lesbian. I was floored, literally. Surely God wouldn’t answer like this to a married woman who wanted nothing more than to make it work, who loves her husband dearly. Then I asked him why; why let me get married, have children and then reveal something that could tear my life apart, not to mention my family’s at such a late stage in the game. I think I finally understand.
In asking the why’s to this we are facing the same why’s a parent asks when they say ‘why give me a child you were only going to take away from me?’ The answer lies in the love and life that has been shared and the joy recieved and given. Without you or the children my life would have been so very incomplete. I have absolutley no regrets and if staying together and working this out is an option – than it’s an option I choose. I don’t believe for a minute that God has brought you or I this far to abandon us, but to walk us through it. There are other couples who have experienced the same and have found a way to love each other through it by the grace of God. If you are open, I am willing to walk this path with you but the choice is yours.
August 12th, 2010 at 8:19 am
Aunt _______, I’m humbled that you’re here. Thank you for loving me this much. I want you to know that I’m still the same person you’ve known and loved all my life. You’re my favorite aunt, and one of my favorite people on earth.
First, I’m a Christian. Born again, saved and sanctified. Second, I’m a lesbian. Yes, it’s possible to be a Christian and be gay. The Lord has given me peace about my sexual orientation. It’s just as much a part of who I am as my right-handedness, the color of my hair, and the freckles I get in the summer. I’m not gay because I was molested (even though some might think so). My orientation is not something I can change, nor is it a sin. It’s just part of who I am. Just like you are straight, talk with that wonderful Southern drawl, and have that beauty spot on your cheek. It’s who you are.
I love you, Aunt _______. That will never change. I know that you love me, or you wouldn’t be here.
August 12th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
Mama and Papa,
I thank God for giving me the kind of parents who loved me unconditionally, who molded me to become a good citizen and who made me a believer of Christ. Both of you are my treasures in this world. I love you so much.
As I mature, I come to realize that I may have failed your expections in some aspects of my life. I heard you and I truly understood your desires for me, that is, you want me to lead a secured life before you pass on to this world. By being secured, both of you hoped, prayed and waited for the right man for me to come along. Although you did not verbally expressed it, but your eyes tells me that you are eagerly anticipating for grandchildren in the near future. Ma and Pa, with all my heart, I wish I can do it for you but those expections are not what God has in stored for me. For many years I am confused with my sexual identity. I should have been more open in expressing these confusions to you but I decided to keep it to myself thinking that I’ll be at peace with it. At this moment of time, God has made it clearer to me and told me to stop living in lies. God has told me that both you don’t deserve to be in the dark about my whole life.
______ and I are not merely friends. We love each other beyond friendship. We love each other just like both of you have loved each other. I hope you will give yourselves a chance to know her more deeply, she has the qualities that you envisioned for me to have for a lifetime partner. I am confident that you have realized that all is equal in love. I believe that love does not discriminate gender. One good teaching I learned from you is that love is the greatest gift from God to all His children. By saying “all His children” it does apply to everybody and not only to straight people.
What I need right now is your understanding and moral support. The same support to you have shown in all my endeavors. Never doubt for a second that you failed as parents in guiding me to the right path because I say, with all sincerity, that I am in the right track. I am always and forever be your happy girl.
(oh my Lord! I wish I got this kind of courage to even write this message without them having heart attack)
August 13th, 2010 at 5:28 am
If my loved one were honestly open to listen and understand what I had to say, I would jump at the chance to talk to them about:
1. One thing about homosexuality: it’s not a sin (discussed in past comment)
2. One aspect of my life: the “Ickyness” factor
At this point in my life, I have come to the conclusion that most Christian heterosexuals (non LGBT allies) are not aware of just how this cultural construct affects their attitudes and judgements about LGBT individuals, including those they may feel they know and love the most. (i.e. their own daughters, sons, and siblings) As long as a straight individual (Christian or not) is uncomfortable with any physical expressions of affection between two individuals of the same sex, they will have a hard time coming to a place of understanding and approval of loving, committed LGBT relationships.
Therefore, were they willing to listen, I would challenge them to consider whether whatever uncomfortableness they feel with LGBT individuals has more to do with perceived “ickynes” than sinfulness. I would remind them of the time they first began to understand what heterosexual intercourse was all about. Just as most children are “grossed out” by the very idea of any form of sex, I would point out that perhaps their attitudes towards homosexuals are coloured as much by the prejudicial and ignorant attitudes of a heterosexist society, as their biblical beliefs.
Something or someone which is unfamiliar is not always bad or sinful, but when the unfamiliar (LGBT’s and their relationships) is commonly perceived as “gross” or “unnatural” – labelling it as sin appears to be the default judgement of all too many in the Christian church.
Analogies are useful, but it is difficult to explain how the perceived “ickyness” of same-sex relationships is misguided. The best I could do would be to explain that I cannot imagine how it would feel natural or even comfortable to write with my left hand, yet I obviously do not consider it to be icky (or sinful) to do so!
So, there you have it. Unlike many others, I would jump right in and discuss what might be considered uncomfortable and argumentative. But hey, given the premise of “no hostility, tension, or past history in coming out to them” I would totally hope for the opportunity to make both of these points. Maybe if we had more opportunities to be heard and understood, evangelical Christians would be able to get past the perceived ickyness and begin to truly study, pray and seek the Spirit’s guidance in coming to an understanding of the bible’s message concerning LGBT Christians, and reach a place of acceptance and approval of LGBT individuals and their loving, committed relationships.
August 14th, 2010 at 4:08 pm
Mom,
I’m glad you’re listening to me. The first thing I need to say is being trans isn’t going to go away. This isn’t some mistake I made or some kind of youthful act of stupidity; it’s who I am. And making me pretend to be something I’m not won’t change who I am. It just makes me sad and angry; and time slowly turned those feelings into depression and bitterness.
But I don’t want that depression or bitterness to be a part of our relationship anymore. I want to be who I really am around you and not wear a metaphorical mask.
I know this next part hurts, but I really need to say it. You really hurt me. Forcing me to pretend to be a person I’m not; it hurts — even now. I don’t even need you to apologize, but I do need you to understand that your actions to try to stop me from being trans caused me a lot of pain. I felt alone. I felt rejected. I felt like I wasn’t really alive.
I love you, Mom. And I don’t wanna forget that because of wounds that get cut open again every time you make me pretend to be a boy, instead of the girl I am.
August 15th, 2010 at 6:34 am
I am putting our relationship in your hands right now, in this moment. I have to tell you my truth. It cannot be changed. It is my truth. Before this very moment I have been afraid of what might happen if you knew. I have been afraid of losing you completely. I can no longer live in fear. It is consuming me. I am in love. I share the most amazing love with someone. And she is a woman. I was attracted to her, she did not take advantage of me or manipulate me. I prayed to God to make sense of my feelings. I told Him. And He loved me. He was with me when I pursued her. And He is in our relationship. He will not leave me. I do not like talking about sexuality, because it is a very private thing between two people. And I have been afraid of it my entire life. Now I know why. I am a lesbian. No other quality that I have had since you’ve known me has changed. I pray that our relationship is strong enough and your love for me is deep enough that you can remain as close to my heart as you always have. This is my heart. This is my truth. You have a choice to make. I am free now. I will always love you.
August 17th, 2010 at 1:52 am
What would I say?
Well, what haven’t I said already?
I am fortunate enough to have a family that, even though they don’t agree or understand, love me none the less.
Do I get speeches? Sometimes, but it’s less and less these days, fortunately.
My brother, in his loving way, told me he knows that I am not gay, and that God would reveal that truth to me. And you know what? If that helps him cope, who am I to take away his peace?
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: I have learned in these dificult months of arguing and defending, that sometimes I have to just shut up.
My family loves me, and that should be enough. They don’t have to believe the way I do, and I have no right to force that on them, otherwise, how am I better than the oppressors?
This is still a long process, and the issue is still being skirted, one we cannot yet talk openly and freely about, it makes them feel uncomfortable. So, I will be patient. I have said what needs to be said, and now time and God will heal all wounds and open our eyes and hearts.
August 18th, 2010 at 4:04 am
While I do agree with you Sam (“they don’t have to believe the way I do”), I also think we have an obligation to present an alternate view. It appears to me that the most prevalent attitude of comments to this post is one of resignation. Are we really all so beaten down, submissive and hurt that we cannot even imagine the scenario given?
Anita seems to have proposed a situation that is next to impossible for many to imagine: “I have nothing to say. I will not argue. I will not lecture. I will not go on the offense. I’m only here to listen. I want to understand because I love you. Talk to me.” There they are, sitting quietly in front of you, the posture of their body and the expression on their face communicating nothing but warmth, openness and love.
This is not an argumentative stance. I’m imagining that in this scenario God HAS begun to heal wounds and open eyes and hearts! What then? I’m just saying … what about telling our loved ones about all the hurt and anguish we have endured as we struggled to come to terms with our own sexuality? What about challenging them to “come out” as parents/friends/siblings/children of someone who is gay? What about telling them how happy we are that they want to understand, and how wonderful it will be when they can truly feel proud of who we are! What about asking them to consider becoming an ally who advocates for us as an oppressed community within the church?
I understand the closet. I understand the necessity of allowing time and space for others to deal with their feelings of confusion, revulsion, and disapproval when one first comes out. I also understand that for some, there can never be a progression beyond a sort of stalemate, in which we love each other despite our differences. What I don’t understand is an inability to imagine something beyond this.
August 19th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
I want to say again how much I appreciate that you’re all taking the time to add your personal thoughts to this post. I didn’t realize when I posed the original idea for the series (that I’ll begin as soon as my life returns to “normal”) that it would be so difficult for some of you to be able to even pretend their loved ones could listen with open hears and ears in a way that lacked all judgment or condemnation. As I read through the comments, something I’ve done several times and will do again, I can’t help but hear an apologetic and consoling tone rather than one that speaks with confidence or boldness in explaining to others the truth of what you know and the truth on which you’ve formed and are living your lives. I’m not suggesting anyone change what they’re saying because I believe you’re speaking completely from your heart but as I said, I find it deeply moving because if nothing else it drives home for me one more time how deeply impacted our lives can be by the oppression or rejection we’ve previously encountered and that some of us continue to live under today. Once I start up the series it will be interesting to see what direction it goes…..clearly not where I originally thought
August 20th, 2010 at 7:45 am
Hi Carol; (sister)
Because of some of our discussions in the past I know that what I am about to share with you will be difficult to hear. Please, just listen–try to keep an open heart, and remember the love we share.
I have known since I was a young girl of 4, or 5, that I was “different.” I preferred ‘boy’ things, that is where I identified for all of my growing up years, even tho I was ‘pushed’ to be something else. It began with an uncle telling me that if I could kiss my elbow, I’d turn into a boy. Thankfully he caught me, before my brother and I were going to break my arm, so I could get my elbow to my lips! I knew these things before I was sexually abused. It was who I am, not who I chose to be any more than you made a choice to love a man. It’s who you were. I did not want to be a boy, I realized as I grew older, I just wanted to be able to love women!! Mom tried to ‘push’ me into being her ‘girlie girl’–by insisting I do things to ‘make myself attractive.’ I just wanted her and everybody else to accept me as I was and love me. Being raised in a very strict ‘independent, fundamental, premillennial Baptist Church further imprinted on me the strict culture of that brand of Christianity–with it’s narrow minded, judgmental, unwillingness to consider that there might be other ways of interpreting scriptures with which they delighted to take out of context and bash all kinds of people. I wanted to be accepted just like everybody else. Every time we sang “Just as I am without one plea. . . “, and heard preachers pound the pulpit exclaiming, ALL you have to do is believe, come to Jesus just as you are, –I found some comfort. However, I took the same stance as many Christians–rejecting the idea that lesbians and gays could even dare to call themselves Christian! I had swallowed the teachings, but they gave me bad heartburn. I was denying who I was, hoping that I could make my self fit into a ‘straight’ mold. I couldn’t. . .no more than you could change (by choice) into being a lesbian!! I kept loving women–being a lesbian is who I am, who I believe God created me to be–and God don’t make no junk!
It was many Christians who caused me the most pain. I was rejected by the only family I have–a sister-in-law, and 3 nieces–for almost five years before my oldest niece reached out to me and bridged the gap. They now talk to me, and I know they love me. Some others have not been as gracious–but have chosen to not have any contact with me–as if I might contaminate them? or, by ‘rejecting’ me they are ‘putting contact with evil out of their lives, hopefully to redeem me’ ??
I know that you will find all of this difficult to hear, and to accept. I know that you hold tightly to beliefs you’ve heard and read from Focus On The Family and elsewhere. What I long for, and ask you to consider, is laying all that aside for awhile, and listen to me. Read a book I’m sending you (Is the Homosexual My Neighbor?”, and then be willing to discuss it with me. Reading that book side-by-side with Charles Swindoll’s book, The Grace Awakening, was what solidified for me once and for all, that God loves me, and God’s grace is far bigger, and wider, and deeper than any of us imagine. Will you do this for me? Will you open yourself to the possibility of seeing another way of understanding the Scriptures? of perhaps even modifying your views?
I know you love me, and I know that you know I love you. But, there has been this fracture, this gap, between us. I am so grateful that you have been willing to open the door a crack, and be willing to listen to me. That’s huge, and I sincerely appreciate it. Just please, continue to keep the door open and let me fully back into your heart, your acceptance, your God-like unconditional love which accepts me fully, Just As I Am without one plea.
I love you always–
August 20th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Dear Mom & Dad,
I want to thank you again for all that you have done for me. You have constantly supported me through thick and thin. When I didn’t have money, you came. When I didn’t have food, you offered me yours. You taught me how important hard work is and to be generous. Mom, you taught me to be open-minded. Dad, you taught me to stand up for what is right. I couldn’t have done what I have without you. I love you both more than you know.
I also would like to tell you that I am interested in women …as in “I’m gay.” It’s not just another thing I am trying out or to claim my space. I have thought this through-surely, I have been trying to figure this out my entire life. I wasn’t happy with the guys that I had chosen to be with…just to please others. I surely wasn’t happy in the relationships but I wanted to give off the impression that I was enjoying my life. I was doing the “right” thing.
Through prayer and meeting other people, I am finding myself in God’s love. I am a Christian and that will never change. I love God beyond reason. I am not doing this to embarrass you both or just to have fun. I haven’t ever been the overly girly-girl type. Mom, I felt like you tried to get me to be like you but I’m not. I love you but I am not you. I have spent my life living for others and it’s time now to truly listen to my own heart and do what’s right for me. I am attracted to women more in the way that you are attracted to each other. It might be hard to understand how that is possible but I can’t change it. It’s genetic. I mean, I can continue living and trying to please others and getting married and etc…OR I can be happy and just live life how I feel God is calling me.
I have tried for so long to obtain joy from the outside and avoid getting to know myself. I had so much self-hatred that you didn’t ever know about. It’s time that I quit doing that and start loving myself. In order to do that, I have to understand that I am loved and I am worthy of love. I know you both love me and just know that I am still your daughter, just more true to herself. I still like the same hobbies. I still excelled in school.
The most important thing to know is that I, Katie, love you and will always love you.
August 29th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Dear Mom,
You think I’m “confused,” “brainwashed,” “sinning,” “rebellious,” “hiding,” and etc. I am none of these things. I hope that someday, my life proves that to you. My brothers have been terrible children to you, and yet they were never gay… and somehow, that has broken your heart more than any thing else. That breaks my heart. I have only desired to be a daughter you could be proud of. I have lived my entire life doing that, and even in consciously pursuing my lesbian “lifestyle,” I have only desired to do so nobly and with great care in my relationship with God and others. This is both denied and ignored, and only causes anger. You have told me that you will never not want to have a relationship (some relationship this will be…) with me and that you will still love me.
I just want you to love me, not “still love me” despite your daughter being gay. God doesn’t love me despite me being a sinner. If you insist on thinking that I am sinner, even though you refuse to think about this on your own, I just ask that you try to love me in the example that our Father set for us. A love that loves us all in our sin, not despite of.
I just want you to be proud of me.
I don’t ask you to change your beliefs. It was hard enough for me to come to these conclusions. That was my journey, I don’t expect that to be yours. But I do want you to at least respect my journey, and trust me.
September 10th, 2010 at 6:52 pm
I would say that we all need to forgive those who have hurt us but I don’t know how. I have an awful lot of pain built up inside me and yes some people I still actively hate even though they are dead and gone. I cannot truely love as long as I carry this unforgiveness. Please pray for me.
September 11th, 2010 at 5:14 am
Interesting that even the Mayo Clinic finds forgiveness to be essential to being healthy. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
January 25th, 2012 at 2:00 pm
To Anonymous,
I am floored by your comment; it is as if I wrote it myself…I’m in the same situation and do not have the courage to tell him yet…Thank you for posting this!!!!!!! I find solace in reading it as well as the others in various topics.