And In This Corner… Part One

February 15, 2008

I’m struggling. I don’t know why I waited so long to ask for help. It’s odd how growing up I felt so close to God. When no one knew I was a lesbian. Then when I came out it was as if I hadn’t believed in God at all. All the things I said about how much a difference God made in my life turned into lies to those around me. Abandoned. There is no other way to describe how my family, church, everyone who knew me just threw up their arms and ran screaming into the night.

I’m confused about the conflicts between lesbian and Christian. I know many lesbians, including me, believe in God, but they are refused by most churches. Please help me to figure out the truth of Christian lesbians.

I grew up continually hearing that homosexuality was one of the greatest sins in the world; perhaps even right up there with murder and adultery. It was not until a few weeks ago that I fell on my knees one night begging God to tell me what was wrong with me, wondering what in the world had left me so empty and unfulfilled. I have cried much since that night and every minute I am awake I only want to not be alive.

I’m a mess, and I need to find my way back to God. I am struggling to live as a Christian lesbian. I don’t know how to do that.

I read the pages on your life and how it took many years to discover yourself while being raised in a predominantly Christian environment. I, as well, have followed the Lord’s word in living my life and try everyday to be a strong Christian woman. However, I am struggling with the very issues that I have always believed the Bible says are wrong.

Five letters. Five women. Different lives but the same struggle to reconcile the seeming conflict between their Christian faith and their sexual orientation. Any of us who’ve already walked through that gut-wrenching experience know how lonely the struggle can be but then wrestling with God’s never been a team sport. It’s something that all people of faith must do in their lives and something they we all must do alone.

Abraham Herschel said “Some people think faith is an answer to all human problems. In truth, faith is a challenge to all human answers.” Was there every a time in your life when you thought you had all the answers? Whew. Me too. Glad I’m not alone on that one.

I grew up learning the answers in church, even when the answers didn’t always fit the questions. I was so sure I knew what I knew when it came to my faith. I had all the answers until one day the answers no longer worked; when the reality of my life couldn’t be squeezed into the box I’d masterfully crafted to hold my faith and my God. “This is how I am to live. This is what I’m suppose to feel. This is what I should do. This is who God is. This is how far God’s grace goes and this is how God judges.”

We’ve heard all our lives that homosexuality is a sin, and hey, this worked just fine, thank you very much, until the day comes we realize we’re gay and wham-bam, the conflict of two supposed truths crash headlong inside of us and we’re tossed over the rope and into the ring before we have a chance to change into our shiny satin boxing shorts. For queer Christians we went to the mat with God over our sexual orientation but for others, but whether gay or straight, we all struggle long into the night over conflicts equally critical as we live out our lives of faith. We talk about our spiritual lives as a journey because we’re always in movement and on this journey we have to cross through the wilderness before we ever reach the promised land where living lives of wholeness before God beckons to us.

Whether the metaphor of choice is wrestling with God or crossing the wilderness it feels equally hopeless and unending at times. We long to get to the other side and to get there last Thursday, but we hang on because we refuse to let go. We refuse to let go because we committed ourselves long ago to holding on when the love of God first wooed us and we walked into newness of life. Letting go of such love isn’t the last option. It’s no option and so we hold on to God, to our faith, and to who we know we are in Christ Jesus. Admit it. We’re just a bunch of clingy kids holding onto God until we get an answer, until peace comes, until we receive our blessing.

Remind you of anyone? Jacob wrestling through the night with God perhaps? Hmmm…let’s talk about that some more tomorrow. In the meantime, Genesis 32. Check it out.

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Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Email Outtakes, Queering the Bible, Questioning