You Never Forget the Closet
April 10, 2008
I want to spend some time over the next few posts talking about the whole coming out experience, but before I jump into the middle of things I want to let you know where I am in all this since anything I have to offer is limited to what I’ve personally experienced in my own life. In other words, I’m no expert. I don’t pretend to be one, and so I would never assume that anything I would have to say would apply to your life. All I have to offer is what I’ve learned along the way and I hope I can relate something from my own coming out that would be relevant to you and your life as you walk your walk. In the same way, no matter where you are in your own journey, you have something to share with others so I encourage you to bring your own insights and experience through adding comments along the way. I want to hear and learn from what you have to say.
So here’s my deal.
I’m out. Way out. My photo and full name are on the site and yes, Anita Cadonau-Huseby is my real name. Were I to create a fakey-pants name for blogging, I’d go for a last name people could actually pronounce, and Anita would be opted out for Claire or Scout (How much did do I love “To Kill a Mockingbird”?) or just about any female name beginning with the letters M-A, for no other reason than I love the sound and look of M-A names. So much so that if your name is Madeline, MacKenzie, Mallory, or Margo there’s every chance we could grow to become best friends on a purely superficial basis.
I came out to myself in 1994 and within six months I came out to my parents. After my family, I retreated for a while to refuel and then started to come out to people on a need to tell basis. I told old friends when it came to the point where I felt like I was lying to them by not telling and I told new friends so that it would be out on the table from the start. I’ve come out to one person at a time face to face, through email, and over the phone. I’ve come out to 100 people at a time when I showed up at my 20 year high school reunion with D at my side.
Over the years I’ve marched in gay pride parades from Chicago to San Francisco with faith-based groups and participated in public vigils and protests responding to hate crimes and anti-gay legislation. I’ve preached, taught, and told my story as a Christian lesbian at churches, interfaith worship services, national GLBTQ gatherings, community forums, and PFLAG chapter meetings. A rainbow hangs from the rear view mirror of my car. I read books at Starbucks with titles like “Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality” and “Ministry Among God’s Queer Folk” emblazoned in bold block letters across the cover, and when the hostess at a swanky restaurant asks D and I if we’re there for a special occasion, it never crosses my mind to not say “Why yes, we’re here celebrating our wedding anniversary.”
I don’t own a pink “Gay is Okay” teeshirt. I don’t have a dyke-do or wear two women symbols entwined on a neck chain, but I’m out. Way out. I breathe much easier here and the view is fabulous!
But…while I’ve been out for some time, that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten what it was like to be closeted. Not for a second. I remember it all.
I remember going to Barnes and Noble where I’d stand in front of the “African-American History” section and remove one book at a time, turning it over in my hands to examine the front and back jacket, flipping quickly through the pages and then placing it back in the empty spot on the shelf before picking up another book to begin the process all over again. The thing is, I never really saw the book in my hand, how it looked, what it said. Instead, my eyes were glancing sideways to the books nestled in the section marked “Gay and Lesbian,” a section I didn’t dare stand in front of at risk of being seen. I wanted so much to pick up a book, to see what it said, but I couldn’t even consider touching one of those books let alone opening one. Someone who knew me might see, and if they saw me standing in front of the “Gay and Lesbian” section looking through the books they’d know I was gay, and if they knew I was gay I was sure my life would fall apart.
I remember wanting so desperately to join an online support group for gay and lesbian Christians, but I wasn’t able to do so because the leaders required I give them my real name and phone number so they could call me and verify that I was legit for the safety of the other members. They tried to assure me to trust them, that they understood my need for confidentiality and would honor that but I couldn’t risk it and it killed me. There was a group of gay Christians I could be meeting and talking with online but I couldn’t put my name in the online application form out of fear that someone who knew me might gain access to the fact that I’d submitted my name to a gay Christian group and they’d know I was gay, and if they knew I was gay I was sure my life would fall apart.
I remember driving 120 miles each way on a Sunday evening to go to a gay-affirming church in another town even though there were several in the city where I lived, and then driving around the block four times before parking the car a block away. I remember making a mad dash on foot down the street, my stomach churning with fear that someone from my home town who knew me might be visiting friends in this other town 120 miles away and would be passing by the church at that exact moment and they’d know I was gay, and if they knew I was gay I was sure my life would fall apart.
I remember reading “Stranger at the Gate: Being Gay and Christian in America” [purchased through the anonymity of amazon.com] and then throwing the book away in a grocery store garbage can as soon as I finished the last page. I couldn’t take a chance of having the book discovered in my house by family and friends because if they knew I read that book they’d know I was gay, and if they knew I was gay I was sure my life would fall apart.
I remember registering to attend a conference for GLBTQ Christians but not until they consented in allowing me to do so using a pseudo name. I couldn’t have my real name on the conference name tag because someone might recognize my name and tell their straight Christian friend who would know me from when when we went to Christian youth camp together or from a church where I ministered and then they’d know I was gay, and if they knew I was gay I was sure my life would fall apart.
I remember the sick feeling in my gut every time the topic of homosexuality would come up in conversations among my Christian friends because I was afraid I’d look a certain way or say something by accident and they’d know I was gay, and if they knew I was gay I was sure my life would fall apart.
I remember the paralyzing fear. Afraid that my parents would discover I was gay. Afraid of disappointing them. Afraid of losing them. Afraid it would kill them. Afraid that my church would find out I was gay. Afraid I’d lose my ministry. Afraid I’d never be able to live out my calling. Afraid I’d lose all my friends. Afraid I’d have nothing and no one.
I remember the emotional, spiritual and physical weariness. Weary from being silent when comments were made about gay people I knew weren’t true. Weary from pretending to be who I wasn’t but who I thought people needed me to be. Weary from the internal struggle that I was fighting all alone because I couldn’t reach out for help. Weary from the weight of unnecessary of guilt that I was compromising my integrity by withholding the truth I couldn’t bare to say.
I remember the loneliness. And isolation. And despair. Not because I was gay but because of the secret of being gay.
I know what it’s like to be there in the closet. I know what it’s like to be here in the open wide spaces. I know what it’s like to travel the long journey from the one to the other; a journey filled with emotional pain, fractured relationships, and slamming doors; a journey filled with wholeness and freedom, surprises of grace, meaningful new friendships, and open doors.
When you’ve been in the closet you never forget. What do you remember about the closet? Are you still there? Are you still so far inside you can’t risk posting to the comment section because there’s always the chance that someone you know might stumble across this place and seeing your words know you’re gay and if they know you’re gay you’re sure your life will fall apart? I understand, and I’m so sorry you’re burdened with that concern.
All I can tell you from where I stand is that even though my life felt like it was falling apart in the beginning when I first came out, God held all the pieces safely. None of them were lost, and in time God put them back together and mysteriously, miraculously, created something even more wonderful in the putting together of my life than had ever been there before it had crumbled away. God makes all things new
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Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Coming Out
April 10th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I remember being afraid. What’s that all about? And the ones I was…still am, actually…afraid of are other Christians.
So I’m, what, mostly out? I’m out for all intents and purposes here where I live, but friends from my old church, and certain members of my family, I quake at the very thought. Not because I doubt God, because God made me this way and when I finally came out to God, all I experienced was relief, joy, and an expanding sense of peace. But I fear familial rejection and judgment.
And not in vain. I tried to come out (as best I could with such limited resources) in 89. And I was excoriated and humiliated. People found out I had a lesbian relationship some years later, and I was quickly branded a bad influence, out to destroy the church’s daughters, and just as quickly removed from ministry. Years after that, someone else found out, and I was publically humiliated and hated on for weeks on end. I don’t believe this would ruin my life, but I just don’t know whether I have the energy or courage to face such drama, again. And I don’t know if it’s legit that I live halfway across the country and won’t see many of these people again, or whether I’m just justifying not coming out.
What happened to the family of God that one member can be so afraid of being hated on by the others?
April 10th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Once again you are able to bring across with such clarity what it is like to be in the closet. I swear you peeked into my head and heart when I wasn’t looking. Great post looking forward to the next.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Bon –> Can I just tell you how much I feel what you’re saying? Reading your words took my breath away because I can only imagine how painful it’s all been. I also totally get not wanting to come out to some people because what sane person wants more judgment and to be treated harshly? As to those people who live on the other side of the country and whether to come out to them….there are old friends from Bible College or from my former ministry that aren’t an active part of my life anymore either because of distance or because of the passing of time. As a result there seems no point to contact them to tell them. Neither they or I would gain anything but instead it would create a conflict and for what purpose? Now, if I happen to see one of them and they went off on how ungodly and evil gay people were then there would be a reason for me to let them know that I was one of those they were calling evil. The only people I’m really committed to be out to at this time in my life for my sake is with those people who are part of my daily life since it would be impossible for me to hide my relationship with D and my passion around caring for GLBTQ people and still have an honest relationship with them. And your closing question….that should haunt the hearts of all us who are Christian…both gay and straight.
Hill–> If you connected with the things I shared then don’t you think that really witnesses to how very similar this journey is for all of us? I think that’s so important to realize, especially when we feel like we’re all alone or no one else could possibly understand.
April 10th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Anita,
your post made me both laugh and cry; where you were, that’s where I am, for the most part- except I have the internet, so I don’t have to risk getting a live book on the subject. Anyway, thank you for the post, I’m sure there is some healing work happening in these tears
April 10th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Oh, and to add to my last comment, I don’t even have the guts to go to a gay affirming church 120 miles away in another town!
April 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Nogalan (aka Notgonnaleaveaname)–> I’m pretty sure I’ve told this elsewhere on the site but when I was first coming out there weren’t all the gay-friendly Christian sites like there are now and so when I put “gay” and “christian” into the search engine the first hit took me to a porn site by a gay guy named…yes, you guessed it, Christian. I’m thrilled over all the resources that have grown over the years for GLBTQ Christians on the internet, not only for those who are closeted in our country but for the many GLBTQ people living in places in the world where coming out could cost them everything, including their lives. Anyway, I’m glad you’re finding support and a long distance community on the internet. Nice to know you aren’t alone, yes?
April 10th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Anita,
I really appreciate all of your hard work and having a heart full of compassion for the GLBTQ community. Because of all you and others do, there are outlets for people searching for answers, or just a place to be who they can just be themselves.
I can remember when I first sought out answers for so many questions I had, it was tough. Not only because of my own questions about me, but about homosexuality as a whole. I had been hurt deeply by someone I was close to. And I really needed information. I found out I could if I wanted to, know all about gay pornography! I was so surprised. I like to read alot, so I kept digging. It was such a breath of fresh air, to come across a website such as yours. And to know that there are people everywhere just like me looking for good healthy information.
Thank you for your honesty and your openness.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Anita thank you for once again sharing your heart with those who are hurting. I feel that living through the closet and the firey trials of trusting God enough to learn that His grace is enough for me has strengthened my faith and resolve to love others as myself. So I relive those feelings and fears as I pray, encourage and ‘walk’ with those who are IN that closet or enduring the moving out phase. No I never WANT to forget the closet where I was. For then the gift of understanding and compassion may be lost! Though Hope and Faith in God in coming out is personal and as individual as each person, knowing others have walked that path brings immeasurable comfort.
The saying you never know another person until you have walked a mile in their moccasins is so true. So if the only gift I can give is to walk with another may I never forget the path from the closet to freedom.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:49 am
What you are doing here is SO beautiful. It’s so easy to feel isolated, to believe no one understands even the most ordinary of pains. As a hetero woman who will never have to experience the fear of which you speak, I can say it humbles me to think that I wallow in my own pains when other people suffer so much more.
It really is beautiful, to see the way all of you women uphold each other and embrace each other. It is a model for what I wish I could see in every church!
April 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am
JB and Eliz–> Again, it’s my honor to have any part in making the way a little less lonely. Really. It’s totally humbling and when I hear kind words such as yours, I feel like I’m pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes because this is such a selfish thing for me in that I receive far more from all of you than I could ever give. It’s so amazing to see so many incredible resources and ministries springing up on the internet that provide encouragement and hope for GLBTQ Christians and particularly those isolated in the closet, and all those churches that are opening their hearts, minds, theology and doors to the inclusion of all God’s people. It will be such a grand day when we can look back together and say “Remember the days when…”
Shush–> Oh, go on with your sweet self! Seriously, there are certainly straight folks who deal with many of the same issues we do but in other ways. Pain is pain and while it helps us to be mindful of the greater suffering happening around us in the world, that doesn’t diminish the pain that each of us walk through. On another note, while I speak to a lot of the challenges of being GLBTQ Christians, there’s going to be plenty of occasions to speak to the celebration and joy of being GLBTQ and Christian, joys of which there are many!
April 11th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Anita,
Thanks for sharing your story, and posting it where others who are in the same struggle you were in can find it and know that they really aren’t alone. I identify with the lengths at which you went to hide your identity out of fear of what others might think or do if they “found out”. I went through that same thing at a much younger age, before I had a license to drive anywhere, and pulled the trick of checking out one “gay book” from the public library….along with about five or six “non-gay” books that I never opened. I struggled for years with the idea that God could not possibly love me as a lesbian….and certainly there were plenty of “loud-mouthed” Christians who wanted me to believe that. I think the danger for most LGBT people is confusing the words coming from any particular religious group for the Word of God. For Christians, it’s a pretty simple message that Jesus was trying to get across over and over: love God and love each other. No real ambiguity there. But somehow “people” have messed-up on that message, and have used the Bible to bully in ways that are *not* Christian. And it has left too many of us “others” feeling cut off and estranged from a God who wants nothing more than to love us for all that we are.
Thank God for people as truthful as yourself to help mitigate the meaness in the world.
The peace of the Lord be always with you,
Susan
April 11th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Oh, Anita, did I see myself in that post a couple of times. I’m ten years out (WAY out), and actually had a church wedding last October with the lovely woman with whom I came out.
But ten years ago, the day after our first kiss, I was in a roiling fit and employed my Retail Therapy of Choice: Barnes & Noble. Stood in front of the “Gay and Lesbian” section for the first time, trying to ignore the scrolling marquee lights that spelled out “Authentic Possible Lesbian,” pointing at me with a giant arrow. I can laugh about it now, but holy cats, was it Not Funny then!
It’s been a while since I visited this site; love the new look. And I want to thank you, Sister, for being a refuge for me in those early days. I spent a lot of time here, growing and healing and gaining strength for the next leg of the journey. Bless you for being there. I know that you’re the same visitation of grace for many, many other women.
Thank you.
April 11th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Wow. WOW! Awesome. Thank you for this. What a blessing you are.
April 11th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I Love this site. Thank you Anita for sharing yourself so willingly. My story is that I was saved in my early twenties while in a gay relationship, my partner at the time also becoming a Christian. I believed that “all things had become new” so we broke up and I married and had 3 children. Whenever I gave my testimony I always left out the part about being gay as I didn’t want anyone to find out knowing the attitude in pentecostal churches was extremely negative toward homosexuality. Had a long and at times difficult marriage. I made contact again with my ex girlfriend 30 years after we last met. She had lasted in the the church about 10years, went through Bible College but found she couldn’t change who she was. She required she said three months counselling to put herself back together and has been in a very happy relationship with her current partner for 25 years, however sans church. Over the years i lived much of my life on autopilot, loving God but knowing there was a secret part to me and I was terrified lest it ever be revealed particularly to my children.
Last year, I fell in love, she in America, I,m in Australia. There was no choice if we were to have a life together sometime ,I was out whether I liked it or not. The journey since then has been interesting to say the least. Friends have been wonderful but apart from a couple of really close Christian friends the majority of church people some of whom i have known for years have disappeared with their wheels spinning. My extended family are all interstate and I may never tell my elderly parents. Two of my children have been supportive, the third is finding it difficult. For myself I feel totally at peace, God has told me He loves me but I’m still trying to come to terms with being a Christian and being gay, 35 years of church conditioning is hard to put aside over night.
April 12th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
John–> Thanks for stopping by Torch Boy and more back at you!
Susan –>Even in camouflaging the gay book among all the others it was still an incredible act of courage to do even that in my estimation, and all the more so because you were young at the time. And you said it so well, how there exists no ambiguity to the overarching message of love one another in the Bible and yet somehow we humans complicate it with “I love you…but, if only, as soon as, except for….” The church and that includes all of us, has so much to learn and live out before we get near to how Christ demonstrated the love of God. I’m not talking about dying on a cross here…how about just sitting down and eating with one another?
Nancie–> What a powerful story! Thank you for sharing it here. I’m so sorry about the loss of so many friends but I hope if it hasn’t happened for you already that you’ll begin to experience new friendships developing with people who not only accept but celebrate all that you are. I know you know this but give your third child time. People close to us need time, different for each of them, to adjust to information about us they didn’t have before and but also to be assured that ultimately our relationship with them and love for them remains just the same. Now that you’ve said “I’m gay” to your kids, they just might need time to see that you’re still Mom, and they’re still your kid…even if they’re adult kids. Good wishes to you and yours.
Jodi –> Wow! They had marquee lights at your Barnes and Noble too?! Did they also have the sensors that went off every time a gay book was moved from the shelf that initiated the “Potential lesbian in the queer section! Approach with caution!”? Late congratulations to you and your Beloved on last October’s big event!
April 12th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
LOL, Anita–yep, the sensors were there. I activated them three times, and STILL managed to purchase “Stranger at the Gate” and a couple of other helpful books. Go, me. And go, YOU–go, ALL of us who manage to face our lives head-on, WHATEVER that may mean. God is good.
Peace, girl.
April 12th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Anita and everyone else who has responded,
I am very much still in the closet and what you shared Anita opened the door and shed a little light my direction. It made me feel not so alone. It gives me hope for when I am able to come out. Right now there are days it seems pretty lonely and dark…but God is good. To have this place and a wonderful women in my life that He brought me and the love I feel for her is like no other. Someday I will marry her and come out of the closet and face all the demons head on…but for now…I must stay in the closet which is hard…but I manage. Probably the hardest thing is not being able to be honest with the people around me…now that I know the truth myself. Well…the hardest thing actually is knowing that they wouldn’t treat me the same if they knew my truth…I think of that often. Oh well…thanks for sharing and allowing God to use you in such a might way. Thank you to all who have posted too!
Gods blessings
April 13th, 2008 at 12:31 am
Thanks Anita, I think they are wise words. I have heard from other parents that it has taken time for their kids to adjust. I suppose mercifully 2 of mine have done quite well. Its just difficult that the one who is a Christian is showing such animosity. Its interesting many of the people I now meet since coming out have been married and have children. And yes I have made some wonderful new friends who are enriching my life and making me feel that the decision I made to come out and live honestly was the right one.
April 13th, 2008 at 6:40 am
I guess you could say I’m mostly out of the closet. I’m out to people at work and my friends and am out to my parents, and all of them have taken it pretty well. I’m very newly out to my sister and brother in law, and this latest coming out has been the most painful. I told her because I didn’t want to hide who I was from her any more. While I am glad that it’s out there now, dealing with her response and her insistence that I’ve been deceived have been difficult. I feel like I’m being judged by the very people who are supposed to love me unconditionally. I want so much to treat them with the love and respect that I want them to treat me with, but it’s so hard when I’m so hurt and angry. They’re trying to condemn my parents for supporting me, and it honestly feels like they’re trying to take away the things I hold most dear. They don’t even see how I can be “saved” let alone be at peace with God right now. I know that this too shall pass, and I’m praying daily for strength and courage to continue to deal with their response.
April 13th, 2008 at 6:54 am
Thank you my friend, again my heart is encouraged and strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other has filled me as I read your words of experience and once again, I find myself whispering “thank You Father for bringing Anita into my life”.
I still feel the affects and pain of exiting that closet.. but the door is sealed, I’m not going back in. I am still on the journey of reconciling it all in myself. Gosh shouldn’t that be over by now?? I think it is more today than it was last month and last year… but gosh.. the ever roller coaster ride of knowing who I am and knowing who He says I am… only to then fall apart with is He really okay with who I am. I’ll be glad when that painful ride is over!!!!!
I am forever changed, but it isn’t because I came out of the closet… it is those things that happened when I did that have forever changed me. I pray that those things will one day dissappear as well.
Thanks Anita for reminding me that this wide open space that I have entered is where I want to dwell.
April 26th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Wow. Thats really all I can say. I actually snorted outloud, because I’ve stood in Barnes & Noble doing THE EXACT SAME THING!!! Its actually hilarious looking when I do it, because I am Caucasion with a capital “C.”
I just wanted to thank you for sharing this bit of yourself. You’ve given me, and women like me the hope and advice that can be so impossible to find some days.
I grew up Christian, from a Lutheran family. My parents are tolerant, but only to a point. They have gay friends, but I think they might bust if they found out their own daughter was a lesbian. Its been a tough process, figuring out that I’m gay, trying to accept that this is who I am, that its not a terrible mistake. I’m not out to anyone yet. But more and more I feel compelled to be out to those I love. The closet sucks, I have to lie to my friends and family on a daily basis. I hate it! Cathy Debuono said it best on her vlog recently, “Its hard to have authentic relationships when you’re hiding such a big part of yourself from them.”
In the last month, I’ve been working up to coming out to a few close friends, and to my mom, with hopes of doing it early this summer. I stay hidden! I refuse to look back several years from now and wish I had done it sooner.
Wish me luck, and thanks once again!
July 14th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I’m 45 yrs old married and have children. About 1 1/2 yrs ago I met a woman who I have grown to love very deeply. We wanted to be together so I didn’t have a choice on telling people, my husband, my older children and my son who is still at home. It was fabulous. I wasn’t afraid it was so refreshing and freeing. And my family took it well. So now everyone is happy and i’m able to go on with my life as a lesbian, which I am so looking forward to, should have happened years ago, back when i was 19. but thats another story for another time….. Thanks for letting me share.